Parks and Recreation

- OKAY, JERRY, WHAT HAVE YOU CHOSEN

TO PUT IN THE TIME CAPSULE?

THESE ARE MY MOTHER'S DIARIES.

WOW.

- YEAH, SHE LIVED IN PAWNEE ALL OF HER LIFE

AND RECORDED EVERYTHING SHE EVER DID.

YEAH, SO IT'S, YOU KNOW, KIND OF LIKE

A LIVING DOCUMENT ABOUT THE TOWN.

HMM.

A DISAPPOINTINGLY GOOD IDEA FROM JERRY.

- BETTER THAN GOOD, JERRY. PERFECT.

GIVE ME THAT.

"JANUARY 18, 1964.

"JERROLD STARRED IN HIS SCHOOL PRODUCTION OF PETER PAN.

HE WAS A BEAUTIFUL TINKER BELL."

IT WAS AN ALL-BOYS SCHOOL.

- JERRY!

- HEY, LESLIE, I HAVE AN IDEA.

WHY DON'T WE PUT EDUARDO IN THERE

AND SEAL THE TOP SO THAT HE SUFFOCATES AND DIES?

OKAY, TOM, YOU'RE UP.

- FOR MY ITEM, I CHOSE A PICTURE

OF MY EX-GIRLFRIEND LUCY

WITH A MUSTACHE DRAWN ON HER FACE

AND STINK LINES COMING OFF HER, 'CAUSE SHE STINKS.

SHE BROKE UP WITH ME. DIDN'T REALLY TELL ME WHY.

LUCKILY, WHEN YOU'RE THE GUY,

YOU CAN JUST TELL PEOPLE SHE'S CRAZY.

"HEY, TOM, I HEARD YOU AND LUCY BROKE UP."

"YEAH, MAN. TURNS OUT SHE'S CRAZY."

THAT'S WHAT THEY ALWAYS DO ON ENTOURAGE.

RON?

I AM SUBMITTING THIS MENU

FROM A PAWNEE INSTITUTION, JJ'S DINER,

HOME OF THE WORLD'S BEST BREAKFAST DISH,

THE FOUR HORSE MEALS OF THE EGG-PORK-ALYPSE.

WENDY LOVES IT TOO.

AND I AM SUBMITTING THIS.

A BRIEF HISTORY OF EVERYTHING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED

SINCE PAWNEE WAS FOUNDED.

NOT LIKE YOU GET EXTRA CREDIT FOR THIS,

BUT I DID TYPE IT FROM MEMORY.

AND FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER COMPILED,

IT INCLUDES A COMPLETE LIST

OF EVERY OFFICIAL TOWN SLOGAN WE'VE EVER HAD.

- OH, MY GOD, LESLIE. - I KNOW. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

- THAT'S CRAZY. - ISN'T IT?

"PAWNEE: THE PARIS OF AMERICA.

"PAWNEE: THE AKRON OF SOUTHWEST INDIANA.

WELCOME, GERMAN SOLDIERS."

AFTER THE NAZIS TOOK FRANCE, OUR MAYOR KIND OF PANICKED.

"PAWNEE: THE FACTORY FIRE CAPITAL OF AMERICA.

"PAWNEE: WELCOME, VIETNAMESE SOLDIERS.

ENGAGE WITH ZORP."

FOR A BRIEF TIME IN THE '70s,

OUR TOWN WAS TAKEN OVER BY A CULT.

"PAWNEE: ZORP IS DEAD. LONG LIVE ZORP.

"PAWNEE: IT'S SAFE TO BE HERE NOW.

BIRTHPLACE OF JULIA ROBERTS."

THAT WAS A LIE, SHE SUED, AND SO WE HAD TO CHANGE IT.

"PAWNEE: HOME OF THE WORLD-FAMOUS

"JULIA ROBERTS LAWSUIT.

WELCOME, TALIBAN SOLDIERS."

AND FINALLY,

"PAWNEE: FIRST IN FRIENDSHIP, FOURTH IN OBESITY."

*

- YES, PAWNEE HAS HAD ITS SET OF PROBLEMS,

BUT THIS TIME CAPSULE IS OUR WAY OF SAYING

THAT PAWNEE IS GONNA BE AROUND FOR A LONG TIME...

CAPSULE.

AND YOU CAN QUOTE ME ON THAT.

- OH, I'M ACTUALLY GONNA QUOTE YOU ON ALL OF THIS,

'CAUSE IT'S A NEWSPAPER ARTICLE.

- I THOUGHT OF A GREAT HEADLINE. - GREAT.

- IT'S TIME TO ENCAPSULATE THE FUTURE.

GOOD ONE.

THE PARKS DEPARTMENT CUTS THE CRAPSULE,

BURIES THE TIME CAPSULE.

- I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW WITH THE PHOTOGRAPHER.

OKAY.

LESLIE, THIS GUY'S HERE.

- HI. CAN I HELP YOU?

I'M KELLY LARSON.

I READ ONLINE ABOUT YOUR TIME CAPSULE,

AND I'M HERE TO MAKE A SUGGESTION.

- OH, I'M SORRY. WE'RE NOT TAKING SUGGES--

THE TWILIGHT BOOKS.

IT'S A BEAUTIFULLY-TOLD SAGA OF VAMPIRES,

WEREWOLVES, AND ROMANCE.

- AH, YOU ARE THE PERSON THAT'S BEEN EMAILING ME

ABOUT TWILIGHT.

I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE YOUNGER...

AND A GIRL.

- WELL, I'M NOT. I'M OLDER AND A BOY.

BUT I FEEL VERY STRONGLY THAT THESE SHOULD BE INCLUDED.

CAN I TELL YOU WHY?

- SURE, KELLY. HAVE A SEAT.

- AWESOME. - AND PLEAD YOUR CASE.

- THANKS. OKAY, CHRISTMAS EVE, 1973.

AUTHOR STEPHENIE MEYER, NEE MORGAN,

WAS BORN IN HARTFORD, CONNECTICUT.

- OH, YOU'RE GOING ALL THE WAY BACK TO HER BIRTH. OKAY.

- SO BASICALLY, ANN KISSED ME

AND THEN APRIL KISSED ME, AND I TOLD APRIL,

BECAUSE OF HONESTY IS IMPORTANT.

THAT'S SO TRUE.

- BUT NOW SHE'S GONE AND GOTTEN HERSELF

A VENEZUELAN BOYFRIEND WHO'S, LIKE,

THE HANDSOMEST DUDE I'VE EVER SEEN.

PRESENT COMPANY EXCLUDED.

OH, THANK YOU.

- UH, I WAS TALKING ABOUT ME.

HEY.

ANN PERKINS!

ANDY JUST GAVE ME A PHENOMENAL SHOESHINE

AND I DID NOT KNOW THAT YOU TWO ONCE LIVED TOGETHER.

- YES. YES, WE DID.

THANK YOU FOR CATCHING HIM UP ON OUR HISTORY.

- ANDY, THAT WAS AN AMAZING SHOESHINE.

I CAN LITERALLY SEE MY FACE IN MY SHOES.

SEE YOU LATER!

- HE DIDN'T-- HE DIDN'T PAY ME.

- WHY ARE YOU HANGING OUT WITH CHRIS?

HE JUST SAT DOWN.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? HE'S MY BOSS.

- NO, HE'S NOT. - HE ISN'T?

GOD DANG IT.

I CANNOT FIGURE OUT WHO MY BOSS IS.

ANDY, I LIKE THIS GUY.

PLEASE DON'T DO ANYTHING WEIRD, I BEG YOU.

I JUST STARTED DATING CHRIS, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW,

BUT ANDY'S GONNA SCREW IT UP.

ANDY SCREWS EVERYTHING UP.

WHEN WE WERE DATING, I BOUGHT HIM A FISH

AND I DON'T WANT TO GET INTO IT,

BUT SOMEHOW THAT FISH ENDED UP DEAD IN A COWBOY BOOT.

- AND COMBINED, THEY HAVE SOLD MORE THAN

100 MILLION COPIES WORLDWIDE.

NOW, HAVE YOU SEEN ANY OF THE TWILIGHT MOVIES?

NO, I HAVE NOT.

- WELL, LET ME DESCRIBE THEM TO YOU SHOT-FOR-SHOT.

MOVIE NUMBER ONE. TWILIGHT.

WE SLOWLY PAN UP OVER A MOSSY LOG

TO SEE A DEER DRINKING CRYSTAL-CLEAR WATER.

- OKAY, KELLY, THIS TIME CAPSULE

ISN'T JUST A BARREL FULL OF STUFF THAT PEOPLE LIKE.

IT'S ABOUT LIFE IN PAWNEE AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME,

AND THERE IS NOTHING IN TWILIGHT

THAT IS SPECIFIC TO PAWNEE.

I DISAGREE, OKAY?

THE TOWN OF FORKS, WASHINGTON IS EXACTLY LIKE PAWNEE,

EXCEPT FOR THE CLIMATE AND THE VAMPIRES.

- I'M SORRY. I HAVE TO SAY NO.

I BEG YOU TO RECONSIDER.

- AND I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE.

- THEN I'M GONNA HAVE TO DO THIS.

- HE BROUGHT HANDCUFFS WITH HIM.

THIS WHOLE THING WAS PLANNED.

I THINK IT'S KIND OF COOL.

IT'S NOT COOL.

IT'S TRESPASSING, AND THAT IS BREAKING THE RULES.

COOL PEOPLE MAKE THE RULES. THEY DON'T BREAK THE RULES.

AND IF THOSE KIDS WANT YOU TO BREAK THE RULES,

THEN THEY AREN'T REALLY YOUR FRIENDS.

- WHOA, WHO ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?

- I DON'T KNOW. I'M SORRY. I'M JUST ANNOYED.

BUT WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT,

YOUR FRIEND ORRIN WITH THE LONG BLACK NAILS AND THE CLOAK?

HE CONCERNS ME.

HE'S A GENIUS.

- I'LL CARE OF THIS TRESPASSER.

GIVE ME 30 SECONDS.

I'M JUST GONNA CALL SECURITY.

- GUYS, CAN WE PUSH THE MEETING AN HOUR?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

- SOME GUY HANDCUFFED HIMSELF TO A PIPE IN MY OFFICE

BECAUSE WE WOULDN'T PUT A COPY OF TWILIGHT

IN THE TIME CAPSULE.

DAMN IT. AGAIN?

YOU LOOK SAD.

YOU LOOK LIKE A WEIRD GOON

WHO'S OBSESSED WITH A KID'S BOOK.

IT'S A GIRL, ISN'T IT?

I CAN TELL.

IT'S THE LOOK THAT MIKE HAD ON HIS FACE

WHEN BELLA TURNED HIM DOWN FOR THE DANCE.

OH, YEAH? IS IT?

WHAT LOOK DID YOUR MOM HAVE ON HER FACE

WHEN SHE REALIZED HER SON WAS A COMPLETE FAILURE?

OKAY, I'LL BE QUIET.

BUT I DO KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT HEARTBREAK.

AND YOU KNOW WHO ELSE DOES?

- KENNETH "BABYFACE" EDMONDS? - NO.

A LITTLE LADY NAMED TWILIGHT AUTHOR STEPHENIE MEYER.

TRUST ME.

YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO HIM.

THOSE BOOKS ARE GOOD.

OH, I LOVE ANY BOOK ABOUT VAMPIRES,

WEREWOLVES, MONSTERS, ZOMBIES,

SORCERERS, BEASTIES, OR TIME-TRAVELING ROMANCES.