Parks and Recreation

- LESLIE. - WHAT'S UP, RON?

I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO GO UP

TO THE BUREAU OF MOTOR VEHICLES ON THE FOURTH FLOOR.

WE GOT TO TALK OURSELVES OUT

OF THIS LATE REGISTRATION FEE

FOR THE PARKS VAN.

COME ON.

I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE FOURTH FLOOR.

THAT IS THE CREEPIEST PLACE ON EARTH.

THE FOURTH FLOOR IS AWFUL--

THE DMV, DIVORCE FILINGS,

PROBATION OFFICES.

UGH.

THEY PUT A POPCORN MACHINE UP THERE

JUST TO BRIGHTEN THINGS UP,

BUT THEY USED THE WRONG KIND OF OIL

AND A BUNCH OF PEOPLE

HAD TO GET THEIR THROATS REPLACED.

- THEY'LL ONLY TALK TO YOU OR ME,

AND I CAN'T GO.

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO.

OKAY.

*

UGH.

[men arguing in foreign language]

HEY, BOO, YOU'RE PRETTY.

THANK YOU, SIR.

ARE YOU ON PROBATION?

I GOT CLEAN URINE.

YOU NEED FEMALE, I GOT FEMALE.

I'M GOOD. THANK YOU.

- HEY, YOU CLEAN? I BUY TOO.

TOM AND WENDY?

POPCORN?

AAH!

*

SO, TOM, HOW'S EVERYTHING

IN YOUR LIFE, GENERALLY?

AMAZING.

TOOK A RISK, BOUGHT SOME SHOES ONLINE.

PAID OFF HANDSOMELY, AS YOU CAN SEE.

UH-HUH.

AND HOW ARE YOUR INSTITUTIONS

THAT YOU'RE A PART OF?

- AH, YOU HEARD ABOUT MY DIVORCE?

- I SAW YOU ON THE FOURTH FLOOR.

I'M SO, SO SORRY.

HONESTLY, IT'S FINE.

LASTED LONGER THAN AVRIL LAVIGNE

AND THE GUY FROM SUM 41. AM I RIGHT?

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THOSE ARE.

LOOK, TOM, STOP WORKING.

WHA--?

WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO HAVE SAVED THAT.

- YOU SHOULD HAVE AUTO-SAVED THAT.

THAT KIND OF FEELS LIKE YOUR FAULT.

LOOK, I'VE HEARD YOUR VOICE

WHEN SHE CALLS YOU ON THE PHONE.

I'VE SEEN YOU LOOK AT HER ASS

WHEN SHE LEAVES THE ROOM.

YOU LOVE HER.

LESLIE, I REALLY APPRECIATE

WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO,

BUT I'M FINE.

LOOK. LOOK AT MY FACE.

ARE YOU WATCHING?

I DID A LITTLE RESEARCH,

AND DIVORCE IS THE NUMBER TWO MOST STRESSFUL EVENT

IN A PERSON'S LIFE.

OF COURSE MARRIAGE IS NUMBER SEVEN.

SO WATCH OUT, EVERYONE.

IT'S ALL BAD.

WE HAVE TO STEP UP.

FOR TOM'S SAKE.

I THINK TOM SEEMS FINE.

WELL, THAT IS THE PROBLEM.

TOM ALWAYS SEEMS LIKE MR. SLICKSTER COOL GUY,

BUT HE'S ACTUALLY HIDING HIS EMOTIONS

UNDERNEATH A VERY THICK LAYER

OF AXE BODY SPRAY.

WE HAVE TO HELP HIM.

WE ARE HIS SAFE BUBBLE.

SHE'S KIND OF RIGHT.

NONE OF HIS FAMILY LIVES HERE,

AND ALL OF HIS FRIENDS

ARE FRAT GUYS AND MORONS.

- THIS SEEMS LIKE NONE OF OUR BUSINESS.

BE SUPPORTIVE, OKAY?

DON'T BE ALL LIKE,

"NO, I DON'T WANT TO.

"I AM A GUY, AND I LIKE FIRE

"AND PLAYING HOCKEY AND EATING MEAT.

NO, NO, SAYS I."

THAT WAS A REALLY GOOD RON.

THANK YOU.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN--

- HEY, MARK. - HI.

THE SHOESHINE STAND

STILL DOESN'T HAVE THAT SYPHILIS MEDICATION

YOU WERE ASKING ABOUT.

ANN.

HEY.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE.

ARE YOU IN THIS OFFICE

PURELY FOR BUSINESS REASONS?

PLEASURE, ACTUALLY.

MY BOYFRIEND, MARK, WORKS HERE.

HE'S SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

HEY, ANDY.

WHAT A SURPRISE, UH,

RUNNING INTO YOU

ALL DAY EVERY DAY

EVERY SINGLE PLACE THAT WE ARE.

LIKEWISE.

WELL, I GUESS I'LL SEE YOU GUYS AROUND.

- SEE YA. - OH, UH, ALSO,

MARK, AGAIN, WE DON'T HAVE

THOSE EXTRA-SMALL CONDOMS YOU ORDERED.

I CALLED THE FACTORY.

IT'S GONNA TAKE A SPECIAL ORDER.

NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THE SIZE,

BUT BECAUSE OF THE WEIRD SHAPE AS WELL.

SOMETHING THEY'VE NEVER DEALT WITH BEFORE.

WE'LL TALK.

MARK NEVER ASKED ME

FOR ANY SMALL, WEIRDLY-SHAPED CONDOMS.

I MADE THAT UP.

EVERY DAY I SUBTLY CHIP AWAY AT THEIR RELATIONSHIP,

WEAKENING IT LITTLE BY LITTLE.

WHERE'S TOM HAVERFORD?

- FOR SAKE.

* SO YOU HAD A DIVORCE

* OF COURSE OF COURSE

* AND NO ONE ENJOYS A DIVORCE OF COURSE *

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, MAN.

I CAN'T BE LIKE, "HEY, LESLIE,

IT'S A GREEN-CARD MARRIAGE. I'M FINE."

- YOU KNOW, LESLIE JUST THINKS YOU'RE A WOUNDED ANIMAL,

SO HER FEMALE INSTINCTS ARE KICKING IN.

HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.

ACT SAD.

LET HER PULL THE THORN OUT OF YOUR PAW

AND WRAP A BANDAGE AROUND IT.

THAT'LL MAKE HER FEEL BETTER.

SHE'LL GET OFF YOUR JOCK.

YOU STILL CAN'T TELL ANYONE

ABOUT THE GREEN CARD THING.

APPARENTLY YOU CAN GET IN TROUBLE

EVEN AFTER DIVORCE.

DAMN THE MAN.

WELL, HEY, YOUR SECRET'S SAFE WITH ME.

THANKS, RONDOLEEZZA RICE.

OKAY, EVERYONE, THE RUMORS ARE TRUE.

WENDY AND I ARE SPLITTING UP.

YEAH, I'M REALLY HURT.

I'M SO SORRY

YOU FEEL THAT WAY, LITTLE FRIEND.

WHY DON'T WE GO OUT TONIGHT,

HIT THE TOWN AFTER WORK, HUH?

WE'LL MAKE IT TOM'S NIGHT.

YOU CAN GO ANYWHERE YOU WANT. OUR TREAT.

OH, I KNOW THERE'S A REALLY FUN DOCUMENTARY

ABOUT TANDEM BICYCLES AT THE ART HOUSE.

SUPPOSED TO BE PRETTY UNAPOLOGETIC.

OR WE COULD GO TO A RESTAURANT.

STRIP CLUB?

DID SOMEBODY SAY STRIP CLUB? - NO.

- DID SOMEBODY SAY STRIP CLUB? - YOU DID.

- I DEFINITELY HEARD SOMEONE SAY STRIP CLUB.

YOU JUST DID.

WOULD THE GLITTER FACTORY

BE OKAY WITH WHOEVER SUGGESTED STRIP CLUB?

- I DON'T THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, TOM.

THERE IS A GREAT

DINOSAUR-THEMED RESTAURANT IN PATTERSON.

IT IS CALLED JURASSIC FORK.

I HAVE GONE THERE THREE TIMES A WEEK

FOR THE LAST 15 YEARS.

OOH, DINOSAURS, HUH?

- ALL RIGHT. SOUNDS OKAY.

- OKAY! IT'S GONNA BE A CRAZY NIGHT, GUYS.

I WILL SEE YOU AT JURASSIC FORK

45 p.m.

YES.

- HI, WELCOME TO JURASSIC FORK

WHERE THE ONLY THING THAT'LL BE EXTINCT

IS YOUR APPETITE.

YOU READY TO ORDER?

YES.

I WILL HAVE THE JAMAICAN JERK CHICKEN VELOCI-WRAP.

- I'M GONNA GET THE TRICERA-CHOPS, PLEASE.

HOW DO YOU WANT THAT COOKED?

MEDIUM ROAR.

MEDIUM RARE?

NO, MEDIUM ROAR.

FOR LEGAL REASONS,

WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE PUNS

ABOUT THE TEMPERATURE OF THE MEATS ANYMORE.

- I'LL HAVE THE SURF AND TURF-OSAURUS,

AND A COUPLE OF BOTTLES OF WINE?