Little Britain USA

Britain and America, the two greatest goddamn nations in the world.

Anyone who disagrees with me, is a dirty foreigner.

We share so much.

A language, a moral high ground, and a love of war.

But what about the people of Britain and America?

The ordinary folk who make these lands so great.

Who are they? What do they? How do you do?

Let's take a looking at them now, in Little Britain USA.

One thing both of our countries can be proud of

is the finest juvenile delinquents in the world.

At this boot camp in Utah, some new inmates have arrived.

Everybody out!

On the double!

Make a line, move it ladies, move it ladies, move!

Let's go!

Welcome to Wilderness Lodge.

You are here for a reason.

Arson, drug-abuse, violence, it's going to be tough.

But if you stick to the rules, you'll survive.

OK. Roll call.

Leitasha Dean? Yeah.

Haley Evans? Yeah.

Natalie Kirk. Yeah.

Vicky Pollard.

Yeah.

But, no, but yeah, but no, but yeah.

It is me, but, I shouldn't actually be here

let me tell you the whole thing. Because something I know nothing about

Because A whole load of us went to Disney World,

only we all got chucked out for beating up the Aristocats,

and Hanna Garvey said we should all go back in after midnight

and burn down the Peter Pan ride, as a joke.

So we all went back.

But I never done nothing, only pour the petrol,

light the match. That is it.

All of a sudden, I well started getting blamed for it.

But if Kelly Rayman says it was me, don't listen to her,

cos everyone knows she dyes her moustache.

I have no idea what you just said. What the hell are you talking about?

Oh my God, you're so racist. I just told you the whole thing, so shut up!

Have you been talking to Shelley Cayman? Because I've to talk about Shelley Cayman Because is well a mixer.

She completely hates me because she really fancies Tony Tozer,

and she's really had it in for me

ever since Tony fingered me round the back of the youth hostel

When she found out, she went totally mental.

Anyway, I was never even anywhere near that river,

so how could I have pushed that woman in?

OK, shut up now, you're giving me a headache.

I never even said anything anyway.

Cos this place is like, well gay.

I said shut up!

Yeah, and I have shut up.

So shut up telling me to shut up. Shut up!

Yeah, everyone, shut up.

I said SHUT UP!

Shut up.

That was an echo.

OK, everybody inside on the double.

You will be given your bunk assignments. Move!

Can I just say something, actually,

cos I haven't actually had the chance to say anything yet?

I'm well not sharing. Can I just say that?

Know that fat girl with the manky foot?

She was eyeing me up on coach.

I reckon she's a lezzer.

I don't want to be getting changed

and have her staring at my Dawson's Creek.

RUN!

Fine.

Britain has had rude and unhelpful receptionists for thousands of years.

Carol Beer exemplifies this fine tradition.

Hello.

Hi. Hello.

Welcome to St John's Hospital.

My name is Carol. How can I help you?

We need to go straight to the maternity ward.

Right. Admissions.

Name? Helen Fisher.

You don't look like a Helen.

No. I'm Helen Fisher. I'm Graham Fisher.

Are your brother and sister?

No, we're married. My wife's about to have a baby.

Computer says, "no".

What? Baby's not due yet.

I've got you down for next week.

Oh, woah. Look, her water broke. OK.

She's having it now. This is urgent.

Right. Better put you under urgent admissions.

Just waiting for the page to come up.

The computer's a bit slow today.

Right. Name?

Helen Fisher.

How did you hear about the hospital?

It's just our nearest hospital. OK?

How satisfied are you with the cleanliness of the hospital?

It's fine, it's fine! On a scale of one to 10?

One being extremely dissatisfied to 10 being almost too satisfied.

Look! My wife is about to give birth.

Can you just call the doctor, please? It's Dr Seymour.

Computer says, "no".

Why?

We've got more than one Dr Seymour.

Do you mean the Dr Seymour in the maternity ward

or the Dr Seymour in the artificial limb unit?

Well, what do you think?

I think it's probably the one in the maternity ward.

Oh! I think it's coming.

This is unbelievable.

Would you just call the doctor, please!

Dr Seymour.

Dr Seymour!

He's not responding.

On the telephone!

Hello, Ticket Master?

I'd like to book a ticket for Phantom Of the Opera, please.

Yes, I'll hold.

I'll call him straight after.

British people have always been fascinated by the Deep South.

We marvel at how liberal your views are there, compared to ours.

Did you hear on the local news about the man downtown?

They say he got attacked just for the colour of his skin.

That's terrible. There's so much racism nowadays.

There was plenty of racism in your day, Grandma.

You may think that, but truth is,

folk were pretty tolerant in them days.

I remember in the town there was a black gentleman.

He was a preacher, man of God. And he run for mayor

And some of the townfolk elders were up in arms,

"We ain't gonna vote for no Negro," they said.

But he was a popular man.

- And he became Mayor. - that's wonderful

Turns out, he was also a Jew, so we shot him.

Divorce is now such a cultural phenomenon in America

that Dolly Parton even wrote a famous song about it

called, of course, 9 To 5.

So, you're leaving me for a woman?

- Yeah. - Now you're a lesbian.

Yeah. Look, can we just get this over with?

I think this is your Scrabble.

Yeah.

I just didn't see the signs.

I had no clue you were into women.

Ellen DeGeneres Live In Lesbos?

Yeah, it's mine.

No Balls, Please.

The autobiography of Billie-Jean King?

- It's mine. - You sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Jodie Foster's Comfortable Shoes?

- Oh, yeah. I asked for those for Christmas, remember? - Yeah.

KD Lang action figure?

Anne Heche, The Early Years.

Cagney And Lacey massage oil?

Yeah, these are all mine. Yeah.

Set of The L-Word egg cups.

Oh, yeah, I never use those, but they are mine. Yeah.

Virginia Woolf blow-up doll?

Oh! That was a present from... from Gillian.

So her name's Gillian?

Yeah.

Oprah and Gayle's Big Book Of Dungarees?

They're not lesbians, are they?

No. No.

Martina Navratilova's Guide To Drinking From The Furry Cup?

Yeah, that's...

mine, too.

I guess...that's it.

I suppose this is goodbye.

Wait a sec, what's this?

Sir Ian McKellen's Book Of Men's Bottoms?

Oh, that's mine.

80% of Americans are morbidly obese.

The other 20% are just plain fat.

That's why British weight-loss instructor, Marjorie Dawes,

has come to dispense advice.

Hello, fatties!

Hello. My God, some of you are big.

OK.

I'd like to start with a little game that I play with my British chubs,

called, What's My Low-Fat Option? All right?

Now, we all like fattening foods, don't we?

Yeah. That's why we are fat, isn't it?

Well, you are, I'm not.

So, what I'm going to do is,

I'm going to ask you each to tell me your favourite fattening food,

and then I'm going to come up with a low-fat option for you. All right?

Who wants to go first?

Pop your fat paws up.

- This , my love - Hi, I'm Jenny.

And I like ice cream.

Mmm, ice cream.

I think you LOVE ice cream,don't you? Mmm.

Well, my advice to you, big Jenny, would be,

instead of ice-cream, have an ice cube. Yes?

They are delicious and very low in fat.

So, I'm going to put that up on the board

because that's your low-fat option.

Ice...

..koob.

It's quite fun this, isn't it? It's a good laugh.