Kicks

Minus 15...

T-minus ten, nine, eight, seven, six,

five, four, three, two, one, zero.

Sometimes, I wish I had a spaceship.

Just hang out in space where it's quiet.

And no one can fuck with me.

Even when I dream, I dream about getting chased.

I got the mack in my knapsack loungin' black, smoking sacks, up in acts

Sidekicks with my sidekicks, rockin' fly kicks

I've never been in a real fight.

Mainly because I've always been fast.

Mom says when you're small, like me,

you gotta watch out for yourself.

I ain't gonna lie, though.

Kids at school are always fucking with me,

making fun of my shoes

and how broke I am.

I don't tell my mom 'cause I don't want to see her upset.

I once heard this real famous comic say that

deciding to wear flip-flops

is like saying, "I hope I don't get chased today. "

That's why I don't wear fucking flip-flops.

I'm from the East Bay, Richmond, California.

Cheez-Its. That's where you need to start the story.

We eating Cheez-Its...

Those are my two best friends... Cheez-Its?

We eating Cheez-Its... You don't even got Cheez-Its...

What up, man? You look like a little girl coming down the street.

We do everything together. Tie that shit up.

Anyway, look, we chillin' eating Cheez-Its.

Out of nowhere, she just starts sucking my dick. I swear to God.

That's Rico. I put that online.

He don't take shit from nobody.

Like, all he do is just sit around and smoke.

But he's still ripped.

Guys don't fuck with him.

But girls do.

He can't give it to you like I can, baby!

That's Albert.

You fuckin' around.

I'm going to leave.

All he do is talk about pussy.

But I don't think he ever seen one.

He says he's some kind of R&B genius.

All you got to do

Hey, bro... Hey, run that shit back one time.

Put that auto-tune all the way up...

Bitch, shut the fuck up! Can't you see me in the studio?

Nigga, fuck you.

You in a motherfucking closet with your fat ass.

The greatest of all time.

Hey, bro. Pussy Mix Tape, bro.

Hottest shit out. Volume Four, bro.

Man, don't nobody want to buy my shit, bruh.

'Cause you wack.

Man, fuck you. I'ma make it, nigga.

Every day we do the same shit.

I don't know, man. Red Ones...

We talk about the same shit.

They're not just freakin' shoes. Those are J's.

You know how much head I would get if I had...

Albert's got the 6's.

Rico's got the 3's.

Them 11 's, though?

That's the shit right there.

Fresh feet equals...

Respect, nigga.

Balls-deep, nigga.

Right?

You know it. You don't know.

Fresh feet equals balls-deep. I knew that.

Quiet 'cause they 'bout it 'Cause it's too loud

You know what, I'm rapping now I'ma pass it to my nigga B

You're up. All right...

What the fuck?

Come on, man.

Said nothing like the rest, nigga Sicka then the next nigga

The Bay ain't behind me 'cause I keep it on my chest

Sometimes, it feel like everybody cooler than me.

You're supposed to push me next.

No.

Hey, you trying to get faded, B?

You got a light? Yeah.

Maybe because I'm small...

Get the fuck out of here!

I don't know.

You see my friend over there?

That one over there.

What you laughing for? Go talk to him.

Like, in school,

I can't play pick up,

can't take a piss,

can't pull no girls...

Boo, nigga. Can I help you?

Bruh, she must have had the balls in there, and everything.

Shit. You know I love it when they do that shit, too, nigga.

Shut the fuck up. You ain't never had your dick wet.

Nigga, fuck you.

Damn, B, that kid looks like you.

Except, he don't have shoes from middle school. (LAUGHS)

(CONTINUES RAPPING INDISTINCTLY)

The Bred 1 's.

The black and red ones.

The originals.

First Jordans ever made, man.

Damn.

If I had those...

Excuse me.

Yo, what up?

Do you have these in a seven?

Nah, they don't make kids' sizes.

How much are they?

$350.

Mom always hides my birthday money.

She say, I got to save up for emergencies.

Hey, little boy. You.

Curly-haired little boy, come here.

Yeah, you, come on. Talking to you. How you doing?

Ol' Will-Smith's-son- looking little boy.

What's going on with you, man?

Check it out, man. Look what I got for you, baby.

How you doing?

Now don't hurt your eyes right now,

I'm gonna show you some stuff

that you might not never seen before.

Where'd you get all these at? Don't worry about that.

Why your shoes look like that? I got some stuff for you.

My name's Daryl. What's your name?

Brandon. What's up with you, boy?

Let me show you some stuff, man.

You might want some of these stuff.

Your foot game is everything in this world, man.

Let me show you these. You seen these?

Brand-new. You feel me?

Those nice. You like those, huh?

I got something that's gonna be nice on you, though.

The stores don't even got these, boy. These exclusive, you see.

But these right here,

these cost more than your life.

Damn!

Blood, you did not buy these. Your mama got 'em for you?

I bought 'em.

Nigga, please.

The "Bred" Air Jordan 1 's?

Yeah.

Nigga, are these fucking originals? Yeah.

Man, they, like, a grand on the Internet.

How you get them? Hold on, hold on, hold on. Look, look, look.

I swear to God, I bought 'em. Like, for real, I did.

Listen, I was walking home when I saw Crazy Daryl on 23rd.

So, I'm like, "Yo, Daryl."

And then, he like, "What up, my nigga?"

So, you know I'm talking to...

No, he didn't.

Man, anyway... I'm like, "What you got?"

And then, he, like, "Hey, blood, check this out right here.

"Nigga, you ain't gon' find this shit anywhere else.

"This shit cost more than your whole life. "

When I seen them rereleases looking sweet,

I had to cop 'em.

So I'm, like, "How much?"

This nigga, like, "200, bro. "

So, I turn to walk away knowing this nigga playing me and shit.

Then he's, like, "Wait, nah, I meant 150. "

And I'm like, "Yeah, nigga. That's more like it!" (ALL CHUCKLE)

And I was, like, "Peace. "

That's how I got 'em.

Whatever, nigga. Your dick get bigger, too, or something?

Bro, leave his dick out of this.

I'm just saying, man. Your feet got bigger...

Did your dick finally get longer?

Why you love my dick so much, man?

Got 'em.

This li'l nigga was born tonight.

l'ma tell auntie on your fat ass.

Ridin' that bike over there like Mr. Kool-Aid-on-a-bike and shit.

Somebody call Captain Save-a-ho!

Dumbass lookin' nigga.

I need to get me some of them shoes, though, on the cool.

Hey, B. Come play with me, nigga.

Nah, I don't wanna fuck up my shoes.

Nigga, they're called Jordans for a reason. He plays basketball.

Stupid ass.

Who's your friend?

Who?

Fat Albert?

No, not Fat Albert. Who's that?

Little B? Yeah.

Hey, Brandon!

Get your ass over here, man.

Go talk to him.

No, not you.

Where'd you get your shoes?

This place.

I like them.

Want some? Yeah.

Um, we're gonna go smoke and drink in Jamica's garage later,

and probably go see a movie. You should come.

I don't know. Probably busy.

"Probably busy"?