King Rat

- Good morning, Asbury University

on this beautiful day,

you're listening to the campus news

with Cha Cha in the Morning.

Rise and shine, get your game faces on,

and start closing those books,

'cause finals are winding down

and graduation is preparing itself to fuck us in the ass.

I'm pretty sure you can't say that on the air, Phil.

Dave, don't you worry, Dave.

Nobody's listening.

I'll tell you one thing I'm excited for, Dave.

Oh, yeah, what's that Phil?

Our commencement speaker, Seann Taverner.

Ooh, tell me a little bit about him, P.

We may know him as Asbury University Trailblazer,

but the world knows him as Seann Taverner,

Hollywood screenwriter.

Over in La La Land, they call him the

hop on, hop off bus.

He gets more ass than a car seat in LA

rush hour traffic and to top it off,

he's the best seat in town.

That's all the news fit to sit in my radio brain.

We'll be on tomorrow for more and remember,

if the water ain't boilin', then it ain't my cup of tea.

- I don't know what any of this means.

- Well they're numbers, Seann.

They are small numbers.

- You usually put it in a pie chart for me.

- Well then it would look like a great big pie

if that helps.

So um,

with the test screenings, and the um, blow up at Cannes,

production snafus with the generally negative reaction,

they just decided to forgo a standard release.

Uh, what does that mean?

- That the theater route, that's not gonna happen.

They think this just might be a film that's better off

served for the home market.

Straight to video?

Uh, ooh, straight to digital.

But the negative stigma behind that is gone.

Okay, the marketplace for independent films

on video on demand these days, thriving, thriving,

I'm telling you.

- So you're saying there's still a chance for to--

To make our money back?

No.

There's no chance of that.

That, that, that is hopeless.

- I'll do another cut, I mean, I'll tighten it up.

We haven't found it yet.

Yeah, listen.

I think it was Karen who said, and she did not

mean this in a bad way, but she said you were dead weight.

You're dead weight.

She didn't mean it as a negative.

Do you mean it as a negative?

No, Seann, of course not.

It's an objective.

It's like, it's like I was calling you Jewish.

Or a Pisces or something.

It's just you are dead weight, a dead weight.

Okay.

Well, I'm working on something new.

It's sort of a college campus thing.

You know, I'm giving that commencement address

at my alma mater, so, I figured.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's great.

You working on something else.

Yeah?

Good.

Yes, yes.

And the best thing, obviously is to really

polish it before you start shopping it around

at other agencies.

What do you mean?

Jim.

Weston.

Thanks for comin'.

Take a seat.

You, uh,

moving offices soon, or?

No.

- But a big promotion's coming, or?

- Do you know why I asked you here today Weston?

Advice?

Advice about what?

- Well you haven't asked me yet, but if we're just

spitballing here, change the name of the class.

Jim's Gym.

You will crash the registrar, trust me.

- Thank you I don't need advice from a 21-year-old.

22.

Whatever.

No, Weston, I was wondering what your plans were

for after college.

- I'm thinking of teaching a gym class,

one of those online colleges.

You think there's a market for that?

So no job then?

No I've got a job--

- Because I'll tell you why I asked you here.

What?

It's been clear from day one.

I missed day one.

Weston.

I know you think I'm a joke.

I know you think that this is an easy class,

everyone gets an A.

Do you know why everyone gets an A?

Because all you have to do to get an A

is to show up.

That's it.

I don't care if you're the worst athlete at Asbury.

All you have to do is show up.

And you

didn't.

You wouldn't know this but there's a kid here

in a fucking scooter this semester with no legs.

He's gonna get an A.

Now normally in a situation like this,

I'd be a little forgiving but,

I don't like you Weston.

And I'm gonna fail you.

You're kidding.

Oh this is no joke.

It's gym.

I know, and you failed.

Coach Peoni, I'm graduating.

- I'd look into those online gym courses.

You gonna get that?

Yeah.

Okay.

Stay there, I'll help you in a minute.

All right.

- So did you really have a kidney stone

removed or is that?

I really did, yeah.

Okay.

- Yeah, it's been terrible.

Yeah, that sucks.

Thank you.

You're Seann Taverner, right?

Yeah, that's me.

Great.

No, it's okay, I got it.

It's my sister's car.

Come on, come on.

So I guess you got some words of wisdom for us, huh?

Apparently.

So what are you, the film club president or something?

- Uh, student body president actually.

You're kidding.

Hey, good for you.

I actually am kidding.

Hm.

Oh.

No, I got it.

That's all I got.

Thanks.

You son of a bitch.

Holy.

You can get lost for a while, kid.

Come inside.

Here he is, Academy Award winner.

You have fun last night?

- Yeah, Paul, I made all the jokes.

I'll bet it was a good time.

- Yeah, hey, you're welcome to come along

any time you want, bring your friends.

No, no.

No.

You got it.

Would you like a drink?

It's 11.

Am?

Go for it.

Okay.

Oh shoot.

Oh shoot.

Goddamn.

No ice.

No ice.

But, you could drink it neat, okay?

And if you don't want it neat, you don't drink.