Robin Williams: An Evening at the Met

Ladies and gentlemen,

may I have your attention please.

There will be a minor change in the program tonight.

Tonight the part of Robin Williams will be played

by the Temptations.

Ladies and gentlemen.

From the Metropolitan Opera House in New York City,

Mr. Robin Williams.

Oh, ho ho!

Thank you.

Howdy!

Oh, wrong opera house, thank you.

I would like to thank Imelda Marcos for her earrings.

Thank you Imelda, thank you.

Goddamn, now I'm wondering what the fuck am I doing here?

This is incredible.

How do you get to the Met?

Money, lots and lots of money.

Goddamn, wonder if Pavarotti's at the Improv going,

"Two Jews walk into a bar."

Yes.

Hello.

Goddamn.

This is an incredible place.

Look at this and these sets.

Placido Domingo does The Music Man,

This lovely coach left over from the second royal wedding.

And if you're royal too, you have to

learn to do this all the time.

It came from this but means this, anyway.

Thank you!

Isn't it amazing?

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that

someone in the royal family knew someone

in the royal family? Now, come on.

His big old ears.

Boy, if you saw ears like that

on someone down south, he'd be going

Jeez, look at this, I keep going, what...

Easy Lumpy, we'll be right with ya.

How you like the play, Mr. Lincoln?

Duck!

Thank you.

This is like a place where Robin Leach could go,

"Welcome to Adnan Khashoggi's living room!"

"Yes, this man makes more money than

"you could ever goddamn dream of.

"I'm Robin Leach with a voice so loud even animals go,

""who the fuck are you?""

Thank you.

Nice to have you here, you're a little late.

We have to go back and start at the beginning.

We had a quick thing, I'll show you.

I kinda ran out, we did this, we kinda played around,

went back, did a quick thing with the coach.

And we walked around, looked around here,

and basically I'm scared shitless, I can't lie.

And they also have ballets here.

Ballets, men wearing pants so tight

you can tell what religion they are, yes!

Hmm, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Goddamn, Oscar Levant said that ballet is the fairy's football.

I say, yeah!

If that's true maybe you should have

Tom Landry working with the ballet going,

"Alright Baryshnikov, come over here, everybody huddle up."

"I want you to take Giselle out, lift her,"

"throw her down, five yards."

"Everybody else..."

"You know the ballet's not over until the swan takes it"

"in the ass, you know what I'm saying, everybody come on!"

Maybe you have a choreographer

working with a football team.

"All right, everybody line up, everyone line up."

"Oh, my God, a smorgasbord, look at this!"

"All right, all right, who's the tight end?"

"Fabulous, you stay right there, I love you."

"Okay."

"All right, what I want you to do, a simple pattern."

"Everybody run long, do this, attempt to catch the ball."

"The rest of you push, push, push, push, push."

"I love it, I love it."

There's a little man in here going,

"I'm sorry, he's not here tonight."

Hmm, take a little sip here to relax.

God, thank you for coming, I uh...

Damn.

Little sip of Perrier here, I had to stop drinking alcohol

because I used to wake up nude on the hood of my car

with my keys in my ass.

Not a good thing.

"Hi, can I help you?"

"No thanks, it's just flooded. I'll be okay."

"Beautiful, baby, beautiful, yeah."

Because you're sucked into drinking beer

by believing it's a healthy thing.

All these beer commercials usually show big men,

manly men doing manly things.

You've just killed a small animal,

it's time for a lite beer.

Why not have a realistic beer commercial.

What's the realistic thing about beer?

Where you go, it's five o'clock in the morning.

You've just pissed on a dumpster, it's Miller time.

It's a scary thing, because you realize the

first purpose of alcohol is to make

English your second goddamn language.

Eventually you may be quite fluent.

You may be a Nobel Prize physicist.

After nine, maybe ten Heinekens you're going,

You're speaking fluent drunkinese, bravo.

Next thing you know you got a couple more beers,

you've got a friend in a headlock going,

"I love you little fucker, I love you."

"That's the kind of love I have for ya baby, goddamn it."

And then you work your way beyond beer.

You go beyond beer, you start into wine.

For the very elegant people, people, a lot of people

who are very elegant are in Montauk going,

"Damn it, I wish I could've been there, but no, I'm not."

Some people who have, you know, I don't know whether to have

the red wine with the fish or the chicken.

What's it matter asshole, they're dead.

The chicken's not gonna reach up from the plate and go,

the red wine, ugh.

It's over with.

No, you know what I'm saying?

And I'm not talking about Pouilly-Fuissé

or pussy fussy, uh uh.

I'm talking about Mad Dog 20/20.

Mmm.

You know, the very elegant wine,

the type of wine with a lovely screw top.

A bottle of which after you can

actually see vapor trails as people pass you.

How you doing?

You've gone too far and you must pay your dues.

This is why I had to give up alcohol,

'cause you have to pay the next day.

Pray, dear Lord, please don't hurt me now.

There you are lying in bed and you feel like

the scene from the movie The Fly going,

"Help me, help me!"

The entire room is spinning like a roulette wheel.

Place your bets, place your bets.

And there's the old toilet in the corner going,

"Talk to me.

"Talk to me." Oh ho ho!

And you realize, oh God, next stop for me,

Betty Ford Hospital.

There you are, you become a reformed alcoholic.

You've got a steaming glass of Perrier, going,

"I feel so much better about myself."

Goddamn it.

"I feel really healthy now."

"No, go ahead, have your cocktail."

"I'll be over in the corner hurting the cat."

Oh, goddamn it!

What is it about that?

But of course, there are people in the bathroom right now

or a little late for the show, these seats going,

"Has the show started?"

"Well, you think this has any speed in it?"

"I don't know, yes, probably Lumpy."

"There ya go."

Yes, we're talking about cocaine.

Mmm, what a wonderful drug.

Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent,

give me more of that.

Mmm, what a great thing to do.

Whoop, we're back with sound again.

Sorry about the sound.

I got the sound from Hollywood.

Alright, people from the balcony were going,

we understood him, I guess Juilliard

helped for a brief moment.

I could enunciate to the back row,

just like Sylvester Stallone doing Hamlet.

This would be a place where Stallone could do Hamlet.

"To be, or what?"

"Yeah, yeah damn."

Jeez, we're back again.

We were discussing cocaine for a brief moment.

The sound crapped out,

but that's why I'm using Suppos-i-sound.

No one wants their tapes back, I wonder why.

We were talking about how cocaine basically affects you.

There's also something called freebasing.

It's not free, it costs you your house.

It should be called home-basing.

Here's a little warning sign if you have a cocaine problem.

First of all, if you come home to your house,

you have no furniture and your cat's going,

"I'm outta here prick," warning.

Number two, if you have this dream

where you're doing cocaine in your sleep,

and you can't fall asleep, and you're doing cocaine

in your sleep, and you can't fall asleep,

and you wake up and you're doing cocaine, bingo.

Number three, if on your tax form it says