President Curtis

[ Reporters conversing indistinctly ]

- Press: What's your source? - Press #2: What's your source?

My fellow Americans,

as many of you know, I killed Paul Bunyan today.

- - I'll take questions in a moment.

Paul James Bunyan was a frontier folk hero

turned modern nightmare.

He used his legendary size and status to disguise

a 30-year spree of murder, arson, and cannibalism.

As leader of the nation that Bunyan helped build

and as the man who took off his head

with an obsidian boomerang, I'll say this much

to anyone who thinks they're taller than the law...

Timber, bitch. Questions?

- - Stuckey.

The New York Times recently accused you

of using taxpayer dollars to play Batman.

The Times can ask Paul Bunyan if I was playing. Munson.

How do you respond to People Magazine

calling you the President with the greatest voice?

- - Good looking redhead in front.

Oh. Uh... Do you think killing Paul Bunyan

will hurt your approval rating?

I think the families of the people he was eating

will approve. Others will disapprove,

like people who print menus for pancake restaurants.

Look, folks, I took an oath to protect the People.

Sometimes that means I won't get likes and subscribes.

If you don't like it, all I can offer

is an emoji of a dinner plate and an emoji of my ass.

- - Thank you and God bless America.

- - Bluebird bound for Oval.

Ma'am. Please stay ten feet back.

Oh, I'm Banks, I'm the new Chief of Staff.

- I don't know that. - Ohh.

Special Agent O'Doyle.

You run things by the book when you're not being booked.

Ugh, felon much?

Those charges were dropped.

It's not murder to finish a ghost's business.

And waving a hologram of me when I was three pounds heavier

does not give you clearance.

I've been cleared to come into the United States Press Room.

How could I be here and not be who I say I am?

You could be a dopplegobble. That's a hybrid of doppleganger

- and a... - I know what a dopplegobble is.

O'Doyle, what are you doing?

Possible dopplegobble.

There is no possible dopplegobble.

Sir, I'm Chief of Staff Rho Banks.

You might wanna curb Agent Bro before he shoots me.

Hey! Not in front of press. All of this is off the record.

That's not how that works. You have to say

something's off the record before it happens.

What are you, Professor Record?

Steve, why are you checking to see

if your name is Professor Record?

Some kind of creature attacked me in the Press Bathroom!

[ Screeching, reporters screaming ]

Dopplegobble!

Everyone, stay back. Swapping ammo.

Shape-Hold. Shape held.

Swapping again. Mentos. Cover your mouths.

Well, ma'am, I guess that clears you.

- Dopplegobbles are solitary... - I know they're solitary hunters!

Okay, put that shit on the record.

Okay, o-okay... now unlearn Polish and learn origami.

Oh, and the screenplay for RoboCop!

O'Doyle! What... What do you think??

I think she's an unregulated synthetic.

"Well, give the man a hand!"

Origami RoboCop! She can do anything!

Shut yourself down.

Byuuu... Byuuup.

Doesn't work like that. And I'm not a "synthetic."

My brain has just been maximized for neural plasticity.

Sounds so organic.

Sorry, O'Doyle's half leprechaun,

so he's wary of deception, magic, et cetera.

Don't leprechauns like those things?

So you've literally hired my mother...

Sir, maybe we should go over your schedule for today?

You've got that trade meeting...

Hey, you can learn karate, right?

Actually, better question... If we intercepted

one of those giant Japanese monsters...

- Kaijus. - If we intercepted a kaiju,

Could we put a helmet on it and have you hack into its brain?

Then we'd have our own kaiju.

That would be a violation of international law.

Oh, god, you're one of those legal people?

Oh, god, you're not?

- - Yes, Janice?

Sir, an almost handsome man from the CIA is here to see you.

Shit. Do not let him provoke you.

Don't mention the names of anyone you hold dear.

You're afraid of the CIA?

They killed Kennedy, they Nixon'd Nixon,

and I think they stole one of Carter's fingers.

Don't send him in, Janice.

Nah, nah, send him in.

Hi there, Mister Presi... Gun! Gun! I've got a gun!

Come on, man, you gotta be faster than that.

Oh, by the way, I'm not from the CIA. The CIA doesn't exist.

- Or does it. - Ugh.

Oh. It's this week's new Chief of Staff.

No intro neccessito, I've read your file.

Targeting Officer Jack Coffey.

Bluff called, she really reads the files!

Loser. So what's your gimmick?

Gotta have an action hero gimmick

or this man child wouldn't hire you.

Like this guy. You know he never lies?

I'll show you. You gay? He can't answer.

Cuz of the Kinsey scale. We're all a little

Except me. I'm lying.

What do you want, you fuckin' sociopath?

Glad you asked.

This, as you know,

is a hockey puck with a hologram of the country in it.

Thought you might like it.

Plus it came with this cool telescoping pointer.

Uh-oh, hand held apparatus exceeds the eighteen-inch limit.

You have been detained by Secret Service.

Please! I don't want to die! That's my one weakness!

Do you know what it's like to work for people

so deceptive they can train you to cry on cue?!

Why are you here?

I dunno, we just love Presidents.

Bomb AI voice: Bomb. Bomb. Bomb. Bomb. Bomb.

- Bomb. Bomb. Bomb. - Shit! Move, move, move!

Evacuate West Wing!

Really? First day of work?!

Bomb. Fake bomb... Sound off.

Fake bomb... vibrate. Fake bomb... gentle beats.

Yuck. Carter germs.

Goddammit! I can't believe we fell for that!

He went down FDR's fireside shaft!

- O'Doyle, can you scan his aura? - He went north.

He tends to micromanage, but he'd probably be a good dad

if he stopped getting in his own way.

Okay let's chase him, not humanize him.

- Sir, how do I report this exactly? - You don't.

But none of this is in the Constitution!

Neither is your mama, but you did what she told you, right?

Gun.

Revise that. Hologram of a gun.

That wasn't me lying.

- The hologram was a lie. - We get it.

Bomb AI voice: You, with a gun.

You, not masturbating in a Zoom meeting.

You, proudly attending a school play.

Coulda been a good dad?

I said probably.

He took something from the tape vault,

he's headed for the exit, and he fears rejection.

Who craves rejection? Let's go!

Dammit! And he took the fastest one!

Uh, what about one of those?

Curtis: That's Reagan's experimental vehicle bay,

but it's locked with a facial scanner that thinks I'm Mr. T.

Fortunately it's using 1980s-era encryption.

I should be able to patch in.

- Go left! Right! Go right! Hold, hold! - No, no! Up, up! Hold, hold!

Very helpful.

Got it.

Come on, Ronald. Let's go teach gangs how to break dance.

The car doesn't really talk. Those are recordings.

There is no such thing as AIDS.

I'm not making it say that.

What are you doing? Ram him.

Ram him? We're in a car, he's in a wheelchair.

It's a stolen wheelchair!

It is still punching down!

Okay, now it's punching up.

Aah!

- You get him, I'll get the tape! - Yes, ma'am.

Impact detected.

Planting evidence to avoid liability.

Are you running at my speed to make me feel better?

- Did it work? - Go!

Hey! Bad dog!

Actually, wait. I'm the problem!

All your bad behaviors are because I'm a lazy,

undisciplined owner!

- Ah! - Shit!

He's jigging! We need to get the hell out of here!

I'm so sorry, sir. I let you down.

You did not. Breathe.

Excuse me. Are you the President?

No, I'm a lookalike. I do mattress commercials.

Oh! You're lucky, he's a handsome man to look like.

Well, bless your heart.

Got it! Don't know what it is but I got it!

- Can we do a selfie? - You better believe it.

- Um, sir? - I'm glad you're really not him.

A lot of his policies concern me,

and I don't love that he's divorced.

Yeah, well, stick that up your ass.

Sir, why are there two tapes of the first Moon landing?