Daddy's Home

Here's a question for you.

What do kids need more? A father or a dad?

What's the difference?

The way I see it, darn near anyone can be a father...

...but not everyone has the patience or the devotion to be a dad.

As for me...

Anybody caught a Monarch yet?

...I've always wanted to be a dad.

Let me tell you, I love it!

Yeah!

And I love my Ford Flex.

It treats me to a smooth ride, and you know what?

It didn't break the bank.

Room enough for the whole family.

Yes, I love being a dad.

And I love these two adorable little rays of sunshine.

Hey, Dylan! Good morning.

Whatever.

Okay. I'm not their real dad.

Good morning, Mr. Whitaker.

- I'm their stepdad. -Good morning, Megan.

Can you please put this on the fridge?

Well, sure. Did you do another drawing of our family?

- Uh-huh. -Huh?

That's me and Dylan and Mommy.

So great.

And over here, far, far away,

is you.

Oh? And am I wearing a baseball cap?

That's the knife in your head 'cause I was killing you in the eye.

Oh, I see.

Well, I love how you drew my hair.

That's poop.

Well, it's well-drawn. And I'm guessing it's dog poop?

That's homeless man poop.

Oh.

All right. (SIGHING)

I actually can't father my own children,

ever since I hit a little snafu at a dental office.

I've got a little bit of a gag reflex.

Uh, close your eyes, breathe through your nose, you'll be fine.

Oh. Okay.

Oh, you got a really weird tongue. You need to floss better.

Ever since then, my testicles have been

more decorative than anything else.

Hey!

And I thought I'd never have a family.

Until I met a stunning mom named Sara.

Would you look at her?

I am one lucky so-and-so. I hit the jackpot.

- Hi. -Hi.

Sorry I'm taking so long.

I have to show that Sixty West building to those new clients.

- I know. -(GASPS)

- Oh, my God! The kids' lunches. -Already packed. I wrote them

little inspirational notes to start them on their day.

They've already eaten their breakfasts, and you look perfect.

You are amazing.

Look at this, huh? Another family drawing.

Oh, no. I am so sorry.

No, I think you're misunderstanding. This is the first drawing

where I'm not dead already.

Sure, I've got a knife in my eye

and some homeless man poop on my head,

but this is showing real progress.

I think she's starting to accept me.

You can find the good in just about anything.

I love that about you. You know that?

Thanks.

Hello. I'm home.

Hey-

How was the, uh...

What's wrong?

He won't talk to me. He said he only wants to talk to you.

You want to talk to me?

- Really? -Mmm-hmm.

- You mean me and your mom? -Mmm-mmm.

- Just me? By myself? -Mmm-hmm.

Sure. I'm...

I'm totally free. Let's go to the den. We'll sit there.

We'll sit. We can do it sitting or standing?

Doesn't matter. We're just gonna do it.

We're not gonna overthink it. Yeah. Great. Okay, good.

Just the men, yeah. A little rap session. Great.

on, my God.

I just want you to know that I'm just here to listen. All right?

No judgments, no lectures, just a compassionate ear.

- Well, there are these kids at school... -Mmm-hmm.

...and they're bigger than me, because they're fourth graders.

-(SHUTTER CLICKING) -And...

Oh, was that weird?

I'm sorry, I'm just...

It's a big moment for me, and I'm just trying to capture it.

It just came off awkward.

So, go ahead, continue telling your story. Fourth graders.

Anyway, there are these fourth graders, and...

He actually confided in me.

I mean, it was that father-son feeling I've been dying for,

and it was even better than I thought it was gonna be.

I mean, he really needed me. Me.

That is so great, honey.

He even said not to tell you.

So I'm actually totally betraying his trust right now. (CHUCKLES)

What are we gonna do about those little snot-nosed fourth graders?

Oh, I think it's going to be fine.

He's going to try to do some trust falls on the playground.

Really? You think that's gonna work?

As long as they catch him. Yeah.

Hey, Brad.

Yeah?

If I ask you something, you promise you won't cry again?

Of course, sweetie. What is it?

Well, at school, they told us about this thing,

and it's called a Daddy-Daughter Dance.

So, do you want to go with me?

You said you wouldn't cry, Brad.

I'm not. Megan, yes. A million times yes.

I thought big people weren't supposed to cry.

I think it's sweet that he's crying like a little bitch.

Megan!

You are not supposed to call people that word.

You know what? It takes a real man to show his emotions.

All right, that's a bit much.

No more rhymes now, I mean it!

Anybody want a peanut?

We were finally becoming a family.

-(PHONE RINGING) -I'll get it!

After being pushed away and treated like an outsider,

I was finally becoming the dad that I always knew I could...

Daddy!

Hi! Where are you?

Where's Cameroon?

Is that gunfire? Cool!

Daddy, Daddy! I want to talk to Daddy.

Hi, Daddy.

Good.

- So your ex is calling, huh? -(SIGHS) Yeah.

What a treat for the kids. It's been a long time.

- Yeah. -Yeah.

We're watching a really funny movie with Mommy and Brad.

Oh, Brad is Mommy's new husband.

Wait. He doesn't know about me?

Well, I haven't talked to him in six months.

We've been married eight months.

Brad, Daddy wants to talk to you.

- No! No, no. Don't, don't... -I'm just going to say hi.

You don't need to do that. Brad, don't.

Thank you, sweetie.

Hello, Dusty? Super to make your acquaintance.

In fact, I just wish I could shake your hand

and offer to buy you a cold one.

- Tomorrow? -What?

Daddy's coming! Yay!

Oh, yeah, I guess I could pick you up.

-(WHISPERS) No. -Hmm?

It's Whitaker.

W-H-I-T-A-K-E-R. (CHUCKLES)

No, I'm not comfortable giving you

my Social Security number over the phone.

Uh, okay, yeah, my credit score is 752.

I'm very proud of that. (CHUCKLES)

I'm sorry? What sort of fighting styles am I proficient in?

I don't know if I've ever been asked that before.

Hello, Dusty, hello, hello? Hmm...

I lost him.

What just happened? Did you just invite him to come here?

Is he coming tomorrow?

Well, I didn't know he'd accept my offer so soon.

I mean, he reallyjumped at it.

Remember when I said he was like Jesse James

and Mick Jagger had a baby?

Yeah, I just thought maybe he was really skinny and

jittery, and had like a little bit of a British accent, or something.

He's wild and he's crazy. That's why I fell in love with him.

Then you end up with two kids.

And I'm stuck there holding the bag and he's nowhere to be found.

It doesn't matter how much love or passion,

or you can't breathe without each other.

All of that stuff is stupid in comparison.

When you have kids, you have responsibilities.

He doesn't understand that.

Honey, this is actually a good thing.

-(SIGHS) -I'll welcome Dusty into our home,

and we'll establish some kind but firm boundaries.

All right? It's what Step-By-Stepdad calls "setting up a Loving Fence."

A Loving Fence? Wow, that sounds really great, honey.

But your self-help books have never met Dusty Mayron.

He sounds like a rascal,

but I don't think it's anything I can't handle.

Check. Check, check.

Chinese Checkers, Czech, Czech Republic, pop,

sibilance, sibilance, pop, one, two, six, seven,

check, check, check, check.

What do you got for me, Brad?

Oh, Mr. Holt, hello. Well, hopefully the new voice of The Panda.

Oh, listen.

I gotta leave early today. I gotta go pick up my wife's ex at the airport.

Jesus, kid, how'd you draw that shit detail?

Brad, why do you want this deadbeat in your home?

Well, it's not that I want him in my home,