Everybody Loves Raymond

Oh, look who's here.

Guys, I got to go, okay? I'm late.

- Okay. - I'll see you guys.

- All right, bye. - Bye.

- Bye, dad. - Bye.

I'm late.

Yeah, ray, listen, ally drew this picture of our family,

And now she wants to put it up on the fridge.

Yeah, so?

Well, look at it.

There's ally and the twins,

And there's you and me,

And, look at your parents.

Oh, she made them giants.

Yeah.

With sharp teeth and claws.

Yeah, and they're attacking our house.

Stop it, I'm showing him.

No, this way. It goes this way.

She's very perceptive.

We can't put this on the fridge.

Your parents are going to see it.

Do you like my picture, daddy?

Um, yes, I do. I do, sweetie.

Honey, how come you made grandma and grandpa.

Look so scary?

That's not grandma and grandpa.

Those are Halloween monsters.

- Oh. - Okay.

Grandma and grandpa aren't monsters.

- Ah, youth. - Yup.

Hi, I'm ray, and I live here in long island.

With my wife Debra,

My six-year-old daughter, and twin two-year-old boys.

All: Whee!

My parents...

Live across the street.

That's right.

That's right.

They're gonna call it, man. There's no way.

There's no way they're gonna get it in.

So none of these are real massages?

Well, Andy, why would a real masseuse.

Have a black bar across her eyes?

You know why? The black matches her whip.

So all of this is sex?

Yes, it's sex.

Then these prices are very reasonable.

Press box.

Yeah, hold on one second.

Kevin, it's roy fire stone.

Ooh. Roy's calling.

"Ooh. Roy's calling.

"I'm on tv with roy.

Mmm, roy fire stone."

You're not a little jealous, are you, Andy?

No, I'm not jealous.

So Kevin does the play-by-play for the mets,

And I'm just his humpbacked stat guy.

Well, you know what?

Without me, he wouldn't know what to say.

He'd open up his mouth, and meat would fall out.

Thanks. Yep, I'll tell him now.

All right, roy.

Yeah! You know who that was?

That was roy freaking fire stone.

Did he ask you to a sleepover?

You, my friend, are gonna be on tv.

Me? What are you talking about?

Harvey johnson's taking a vacation,

And roy wants you to fill in with us.

On sports call with roy fire stone.

Get out of here.

Come on, I don't...

I don't know tv.

I'm a sportswriter.

Roy specifically asked for a newspaper guy.

Or a Chinese person.

Wait a minute.

Wait, wait, wait, that's a live tv show.

It's 30 minutes.

Come on, it's the easiest money you ever made.

Easier than the 40 bucks he got.

When you couldn't do seven push-ups?

It was ten, Andy.

I couldn't do ten push-ups.

It doesn't matter because you stopped after two.

So you're in, right?

I don't know. I got to...

Come on, I got to think it over.

I got to let them know tonight, ray.

Roy wants me?

Come on, he knows who I am.

Everybody knows who you are.

You know sports, you...

You get to the heart, the poetry, that is sports.

Oh, I'm having the stomach that is nauseous.

You're sure he knows me.

- Yes! - He's read my stuff?

He knows it all. Come on!

But you think I'll do all right on there?

You're gonna do great, man, come on.

All right, I'll do it.

Yeah, that's the man I know.

Oh, man, I got to call Debra.

Yeah, look at you.

Debra's gonna flip, man, when she hears this.

Whoo! Tv big shot.

Hi. Oh, hi, Michael.

Michael answered the phone.

His first time. He's never done that.

Huh, first time.

What is he, 14 now, ray?

He's two.

Yeah, hi, it's daddy.

No, I know daddy's not home.

I'm daddy.

No, I'm daddy!

Yeah, I... is mommy...

Hello?

No, don't go get daddy!

He dropped the phone.

Is somebody there?

Somebody there to pick up the phone?

Debra. I hear you, Debra.

You're walking right by the phone now.

Look down.

Look down, Debra!

I'm in the phone!

You know what my mother did?

She sent flyers out all over the neighborhood.

My father told everybody at the elks.

Give me... give me some tips, man.

Tell me something.

Just make love to the camera, ray.

Hey, what do you say, fellas?

- Hey, roy. - Good to see you.

You all know James worthy.

Hey, James, good to see you again.

Ray, good to see you again.

You all ready for the big show?

I guess so.

I don't do tv much.

Ever.

First time.

Kind of got some butterflies going.

Well, you know, I don't get the butterflies.

I just throw up before every live show.

We're live in 30 seconds.

Wait, I didn't throw up yet.

How do you sit?

Do you sit... do you cross your legs much?

I don't, but I can't.

Okay, everybody, stand by.

In 5, 4, 3, 2...

- Listen, can I get... - hello again, everybody.

I'm roy fire stone,

And this is sports call.

Our guest all this week.

From the great laker championship team.

Is mr. James worthy,

And as always,

The radio voice of the new york mets,

Mr. Kevin Daniels.

Good to see you, Kevin.

Roy. James.

How are you, folks?

And a brand-new face from news day,

A fine columnist, mr. Ray bar one.

Good to see you, ray.

Howdy.

Our subject tonight...

Athletes and steroids.

As you might know,

There's an increasing use of steroids.

Among amateur athletes,

And, ray, you wrote a very interesting piece about that.

Ahem, yes, I did, roy.

Why don't you tell us about that, ray?

Um...

It's a growing problem.

It's a growing problem.

Steroids is...

I'd say it's even...

It's gotten to be a bit of a...

Epidemic?

No, no, no,

It's not an epidemic. It's out of control.

It's kind of like a...

All: Epidemic.

Yeah.

What they did was,

They took a group of olympic athletes,

And they axed them if using steroids.

Would guarantee you a gold medal.

But would also kill you in five years,

Would you still do it?

64% of them said yes.

Wow, really?

That's alarming.