That Mitchell and Webb Look

Yeah, it's day 15, and we're somewhere over Kazakhstan.

Unless I've got this upside down!

But, no, the good news is we're still on schedule,

aren't we, Johnny boy? Yes, chef.

Me and Johnny got this whole chef, sous-chef thing going on!

Let's put that down there.

Ah, yay!

We've done some mad shit in the past, but this really takes the...

(My name is... Oh, God!

(My name is Phillip,

(Phillip Phillips.

(I design stationery for WH Smith.

(I think this man means me harm.

(I've...

(I've worked out that he's some sort of...celebrity chef.)

(He thinks this is a travel programme.

(He's taking me round the world...

(in a fucking balloon!

(We never land!

(Every time I wake up,

Who are you talking to?

(I miss you, Rebecca.

(Tell the kids I love them.

(If you see this, if anyone sees this, send help!)

Yaah, wah! Yaaah! Ha-ha!

Eh? Eh? What do you reckon?

What do you reckon? What do you reckon?

She's always coming over to my desk to "get a pencil"

and, you know, brushing against my shoulder and smelling my hair.

It makes me feel very uncomfortable.

So basically, you're accusing Claire of sexual harassment in the workplace?

No, I...

Well, sort of.

Well, let's get her in here, see what she has to say.

Claire, can you come in here, please?

I'll have to call you back.

Ah, yes. Claire, come in and shut the door, please.

Claire, this is a little bit delicate.

Mike says that you have been a bit inappropriate in the office.

What?!

Well, what do you mean? It's just it sometimes feels...

I feel a little bit uncomfortable sometimes with the touching.

I'm sorry, genuinely. I thought I was just being, you know, friendly.

She was just being friendly, and from my point of view,

I don't know what you were complaining about.

Martin! I know this seems

like a lot of fuss about nothing, but if I were a woman...

KNOCK ON DOOR Maintenance!

Yep, come on in. Oh, I'm really not comfortable with...

It's fine. Just something with the wires in the ceilings,

none of them can speak any English anyway. Sorry.

Sorry. Mike, you were saying?

I was just saying, I think you would take this

a lot more seriously if I were a woman.

Yes, you're right, Mike.

Perhaps I was being unfair.

Sorry, Mike. Claire?

Yeah, I'll make more of an effort to respect your personal space, Mike.

Thanks. There, that's all sorted.

I think we'd probably better stay here until he's finished. Yes.

So, got any exciting plans for the weekend?

Not really. Not really, no.

Yeah, yeah, me neither.

I am going to Center Parcs!

It's Saturday night. It's 6.38pm, and it's time

for the various top entertainment show,

Reports Mode.

Good evening. Good evening, und welcome.

Zat's enough about ze time of day,

so let's get straight down to show business. Sharpen your pencils!

It's Report One!

Tickety bonk!

Stable at 5.6.

0.2 above the arithmetic mean, so...arty-farty!

Now, hold on to your helmets...

..as we head down to the quarry for Report Four.

Everyone a crackpot.

Get it? Stop. I am killing you!

Und now, Reports Mode correction time.

Thank you, Feldman.

Hmm.

Of course, as many of you spotted in last week's Report Two,

Cell DS should have read "moderate".

Honky tonky.

So let's take a break from all these reports to see

how we at Reports Mode are doing in efficiency.

Our levels have been maintained, as they always must be!

Isn't that right, captain?

Ha-ha! That's right!

So this Deep South sketch...

Yeah? Are we doing the accents?

Yes, of course we're doing the accents.

We're also wearing the costumes!

What did you think we were going to do - just hold the script up?

All right. You'd love that, wouldn't you?

No, in fact, I'll tell you what your ideal sketch show would be. Oh, please do!

It's us, wearing dinner jackets, sitting behind a desk

reading the scripts to camera on autocue.

Finished now? "Hello, welcome to the sketches." Evidently not.

"Interior day. A shop. A gentleman

whose attire proclaims him to be from the southern United States enters.

"Dialogue: Ah, Mr Beauregard, good day to you.

"And good day to you too, Harlan."

Couldn't think of another southern surname?

The point is we're doing the accents.

Can you do a southern American accent? Of course I can. Go on then.

Boss Hog!

Bass Hag! Ba-ss Ha-ag!

Are all the lines in this sketch "Boss Hog"?

I can say other things, too.

Ah'm just a girl who cayn't say no,

ah'm in a terrible fix.

That's Welsh!

Mammy, mammy, tear down the curtains and make me a drey-ess. That's backwards!

Y'all, y'all...

bawl, mawl, cawl...

Here.

That was very good. Thank you.

All you have to do now is teach me how to do it, and we're away.

Mr Beauregard, good day. A very good day to you, Harlan.

The designs are ready and waiting, if you step this way.

To clarify, this is for everyone in your club to wear, not just the leaders?

No, no, no. This is for all of us.

We require a smart, functional uniform that

identifies us and gives us a certain authority.

Exactly as I thought. Well, I think you'll find this is perfect.

What the hell is that? I knew you'd like it.

It's a ghost costume!

No, it's imposing and awe-inspiring.

It is if you're nine. And scared of ghosts.

Otherwise, it's a big nightie.

Oh, you're being very unfair.

And what's this all about, the pointy hat?

It will make you look taller. It will not!

What it will make us look is pointier.

But you specifically asked for a pointy hat.

I meant like a tricorne hat, like a highwayman, not a Rapunzel hat.

Look, just try it on. That's all I ask.

Once you see the effect...

Oh, terrific! That's the perfect finishing touch, that is.

Would you say you have an unusually small head? No!

All right, fine. Fine. I can cut eye holes. Eye holes?!

It will increase your mystique.

Perhaps you're under some misapprehension.

My companions and I have banded together to promote

the resurgence of the Confederacy

and subjugate the insolent slave race, not to go trick or treating!

And what's this? "KKK"?

It's the initials of your society.

The initials of the Confederate Campaigners' Club?

Er, no.

No, no, of course not. It's, um...

I came up with a new name. We don't want a new name.

Yes, you do. Mine's much better. What is it, then?

What is it? It's the...

The K-k-k... Er...

Funny, it's just gone out of my head. Goodbye. Wait! Wait!

It's the K-k-ku Klux Klan.

The Ku Klux Klan?

Yes.

Those are just meaningless noises.

How are we supposed to introduce ourselves to people?

"Hello. We're the new death-dealing militia of white supremacy.

"We're called the Ku Klux Klan.

"Affiliated with the Whip Whap Whop and the Bingly Bongly Boo.

"We're easy to recognise - we're the ones wearing bed sheets and peeking out

"through the eye holes in the massive pointy hats we wear over our faces."

You don't like it. Fine. There's the other one.

I never thought you'd like that one. This is the good one.

This will strike fear into the hearts of your enemies.

That's a massive little girl.

Exactly! What could be scarier than a massive little girl? Freaky!

So this is it - for our big, inaugural rally tomorrow night

we either have to go dressed as pointy ghosts or enormous girls?

Well, I'm sorry. It never occurred to me you wouldn't like either.

Fine! We'll take 60 pointy ghosts, but I'll expect a discount.

Why, Harlan, you did it!

You'll make those bigots look like tway-ats.

We said we're not doing the accent.

HE LAUGHS

That was a whole crock of fun!

Well, if you've just joined us, you do not

understand that Reports Mode starts at 6:38, after ze Bavarian anthem.

And now over to Unhelm!

Let's have a look at some of your reports. Beata has

sent in this very interesting report.

I like what Gunther has done with these bottle tops.

I do not like what Pippi has done with these bottle tops.

This could be from Italy, but it is not.

Kuntlich has cleverly sent in this report as a soup.

The peas represent valve production, and the deliciousness represents time.

Reports Mode will be back after 22 Cows.

Minister, we've run every model through the computer

and it looks like there just are no easy solutions to this recession.

Raising VAT, cutting VAT, raising interest rates.

Raising interest rates and VAT, lowering income tax and raising VAT...

None of it seems to really help.

Have you tried "Kill all the poor"?

Sir, with respect, we've had this conversation before.

Just saying, have you tried it? Of course we haven't.