Ryan Hamilton: Happy Face

Please welcome Ryan Hamilton.

Thank you. Wow!

Thank you very much, thank you very much!

Thank you, thank you!

This is so nice. Thank you very much.

Where do you want to begin? Should we start with my face?

Should we? I always look like this.

I look really happy all the time and I don't feel like this.

I really don't. I feel...

I feel OK and I look crazy happy.

And I don't even buy it.

I wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and I go,

"Well, that is inaccurate."

Uh... I don't know...

I don't know what you want me to do? I just walk around, people go,

"Look at that chipper fella."

And I go, "I'm OK. I'm fine. I'm fine."

I think I could sell ice cream in the 50's, maybe.

I think that's the kind of look that I have.

- -

Yeah. No, I think I can really move some ice cream, you know.

I can't go places like this. I can't just show up at a funeral.

You know, uh...

"I'm so sorry for your loss."

It's very inappropriate, very inappropriate.

I can't ask a girl out, you know.

"What're you doing tomorrow?"

I don't want to drop a bomb on you right away like this but I'm single.

-Now, uh... -

Yeah, well, I'm trying not to be single,

which sounds desperate, doesn't it? I mean, you shouldn't say that out loud.

It's true, but there's no woman in earshot of that statement going,

"That's the one."

Dibs on that smiley, desperate fella over there, you know.

But it is real. I mean, part of your single life's great,

you got freedom, you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, right?

Maybe somebody wanders into your life, maybe not, you don't care.

It's a great place to be. Do you know that place?

I'm not there, anymore.

Here's where I am.

I sit at home alone, wondering, "Is this healthy?"

That's where I'm at right now.

Maybe it's not healthy, you know.

Freedom is great but I don't pop up alone in bed in the middle of the night going,

"I can do whatever I want."

I'm not rolling around in bed going,

"Look at the freedom. I have so much freedom.

Freedom..."

I'm not bravehearting in bed at 3:00 a.m. Do you understand?

I'm not watching infomercials and eating a lean cuisine

because I'm living life on my terms.

You're the only people I've talked to today.

This is it. This is all I do. I just do this, then I go home

and think of things to tell strangers tomorrow.

It's a weird way to live...

life.

Sometimes my phone will ring at 4 o'clock in the afternoon

and I have to warm my voice up.

Have you ever had that terrifying moment?

You're like, "The world needs me.

"Hello, how are you?

No, I've been up for hours but I'm laying down. I'm laying down."

Thank you for being here. It's so nice to be in New York City.

Yeah... I do love this city.

I'm from Idaho.

Nobody's disputing that.

I look like where I'm from.

Don't I? I mean...

You don't look at me right away and go, "That guy is from Idaho."

But when I say it loud, everybody thinks,

"That makes sense to me. I think that guy...

is legit from Idaho."

New Yorkers have no clue, you know.

"Where are you from?" "Idaho."

"Why?"

That's what it feels like, "Why?"

I don't know, that's where I done been borned, that's why.

That's where God done birth me.

Then they'll try to connect. They go, "I know it."

"You know it? Congratulations. It's a state in your country.

You should know it."

Then they go, "No, I know it."

This is what you tell me, "It's in the Midwest."

No, it isn't.

I know there are people in here right now going,

"He doesn't know what he's talking about."

That's how New Yorkers are. I'm from there.

I'm telling you, you're wrong.

And you're still, like, "He doesn't get it."

You have created geography that does not exist.

If you are a New Yorker, it's New York, LA...and the Midwest.

That's all there is, in your heads, just...

Yeah.

It's just one big red state.

Everything past Jersey is corn cob pipes and coveralls.

In a New Yorker's fantasy Idaho, everybody I put down my banjo,

so I can harvest all the 'taters in my backyard, you know.

I'm just waiting for the dinner bell to ring,

so I can go in and watch some Hee Haw with my ma.

I could be from Narnia,

I'd get the same response from New Yorkers.

They have no clue.

I'm from a town of 1,000 people.

You say that out loud in New York City and the feeling that comes back is,

"Can we send money?"

Yeah. I'm from a small refugee camp in Idaho.

Anything is helpful. Anything.

There's a little attitude in this city. We can be honest about that, right?

New Yorkers say stuff, like, "I could never live anywhere else..."

Come on.

I think you could pull it together. I really do.

I think if you really focused,

you could learn how to grocery shop in Milwaukee, you know.

This is the only place you can live? This is the only place I've been

where people just walk around openly weeping.

-That's the only place... -

...you feel comfy.

Every other street corner there's a shattered man and nobody cares.

That's where I feel most at home.

"I could never live..."

New Yorkers think they are going to wander into any other town and be, like,

"I'm the mayor now."

-"Oh, really?" -

"Yeah, I took a look around the city

and I'm the mayor."

"Why is that?" "I'm from New York City."

"I had no idea. Here's the key. Please.

Everyone, our savior's here. We have so many questions."

Then they always come back with this, "But Ryan, Ryan...

if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere."

No.

That's not true.

Frank Sinatra put that in one song and everybody went "that's a fact."

It's not true. I've never heard a more blanket statement

with zero evidence behind it in my life.

It's, like, one New Yorker said that and every other New Yorker went...

Mm-hmm.

You know what he said, "We can do anything, anywhere."

I'm from a town of 1000 people in Idaho

and I don't think New Yorkers could make it there.

"What happened?" "I don't know, we wandered off

looking for gluten-free cupcakes and, uh...

Where are they? They are always right here.

They are always right here."

Three days later we found a body.

Uh...

turns out he couldn't make it here.

Maybe New York City is the easiest place to make it.

Have you ever thought of that?

I mean, sure, you get lost but you pop up out of the subway

and go, "The streets have numbers and I see six delis,

I think I'm gonna make it.

I made it."

What do you mean, "You made it?" What do you mean?

Like, there are people who came to this country

and this city with nothing and made it.

But I don't feel like those are the people who are saying those words.

What do you mean, "You made it"? It feels like your father's paying your rent

and you got a job tweeting for a startup is what it feels like.

Look it, half of the room shut down right there. Hey!

-Hey! Hey! -

"Wait a minute, I'm a social media director

and I'm a writer, and I had to live in the Village.

It's the only place I feel inspired.

I had to ask my father. It's the bravest thing I've ever done."

Look...

it's a strange time to be from anywhere in our country.

People keep going, "I don't know who all these Trump voters are."

I'm from a town of 1000 people in Idaho.

I know who they are.

I know who they are, you know.

And I'm not a political comedian, but it's, like, I am now, a little bit, uh...

How can you not be, a little bit?

I haven't had a conversation in a very long time

that hasn't ended with, "Well, it's going to be interesting."

Gonna be real interesting.

I will never forget election day.

Did you go to an election viewing party? Those turned around quick, didn't they?

Have you even been to a party that became not a party in the middle?

Halfway through everybody went,

"I guess I'll go watch this alone in the dark. I don't know."

I think even people who voted for Trump looked at that and went,

-"That doesn't look right." -

But the next day, that was the strangest day of all, wasn't it?

The next day that was--

You went home, you slept for four fitful hours,

then you woke up wide-eyed,

and you walked over to your window, you looked outside, and you went,

"Looks okay, I guess.

I guess I'm gonna go out there."

And then you left your home and that was the strangest feeling

on the strangest day, wasn't it?

Just walking outside, like, "Here we go.

All right.

Out into the new normal. Okay, just walking around."

-You know, just... -

- -Wha...

Making eye contact with people, like,

"I don't know. I'm going to work, I guess. I don't know.

Are you going to work? We're all going to work."