Back in the Game

What are you doing out here?

You promised yourself you'd never let baseball

into your life again.

Come on, dad, hit it out and send these freaks home.

I'm gonna take you so deep,

you're gonna be makin' me breakfast, baby.

Today is a great day. Isn't it a great day?

You're gonna be so good, I can feel it.

So, baseball, huh? Hold on.

Was it him?

Did my father, sir drinks-a-lot

get in your ear and tell you that you have to play baseball?

Because you do not have to play.

Unless you really want to.

Mom, the Cannon didn't say a word.

You wanna know the reason?

It's her.

Oh! She go to your new school?

Yep. Vanessa. And she digs ball players.

You're doing all this for a girl?

And I know you have problems with the Cannon and baseball,

- but things will be okay. - Things are gonna be great.

I got a couple of job interviews lined up,

and we'll be out of his house in no time.

Good, 'cause it smells like a hot van full of monkey ass.

Man over P.A.: If you're trying out, please report to the field.

Okay, buddy, that's you.

Now you go out there and just have fun.

Come here, kiddo.

Now listen to me.

When you get your shot at the bench, fire it as hard as you can,

and hit that first kid right square in the face.

You got it? You'll scare the crap out of all of 'em.

No, no. No, let's not hit any kids in the face.

- Okay, go have fun, bud. Go. - Yo.

Don't do that.

Why not?

Remember when you hit that kid in the side of the head?

They had to put one of them giant Frankenstein shoes on him

- so he could get his balance back. - I was nine.

I threw that pitch because you promised me ice cream and a pony.

How big a sucker could you be? How big?

Where hell was I gonna get a pony?

I do remember that you threw six perfect games that year,

and we went to the championships.

Yep, and I remember you peeing on home plate in protest after we lost.

The guy was out by ten feet.

- And that's the way I protest. - Exactly.

Sane people argue that call.

They don't pull out their junk in front of little kids.

- He was out. - Ugh!

What don't you get?

- Hi. - Hello.

How are you?

Come on, buddy, you can do this. You can do this.

Kid stinks. You stink!

Throw it overhand, throw it overhand.

He's gonna be fine.

Here.

Go ahead, it's just Tequila.

Usually I'm a scotch girl.

Oh, scotch. I've got scotch. Rocks?

- No, thank you. - Okay.

- Hello there. I'm Lulu. - Hi. I'm Terry.

My boy and I just moved here from Michigan.

Oh, I love Canada!

- It's not in... - I love it.

- So which one's yours? - Oh, um, him over there.

- That's Michael. - Is he dancing?

- Yes, he's so gay. - Ball.

- Just like his father. - Your husband's gay?

Dead. Died. Behind me.

Yeah, produced movies, left me millions, silver lining.

So anyway, tell me about you.

Oh, well, let's see. Messy divorce. Lost everything.

Living with my father who crippled me emotionally.

Silver lining.

You're funny. Okay, look.

Here's the D.L.

So they are the smarmy army.

The one in blue is Dick Slingbaugh.

League president, recently divorced.

Rumor has it he's carrying quite the bat down there.

Old hickory, I call... they... call it.

- Like the bat. - Yeah.

Oh, darling, look, your boy, he's up.

Oh, come on, catch it!

Wow, that kid screams single mom.

Wish I was 12 so I could punch that kid.

Come on, guys, we're here to build these kids up,

- not tear 'em down. - Shut up, Stan. Don't make me use my belt.

What kind of a parent lets their kid come out here

and embarrass himself like that?

The only thing that kid's gonna catch is a beating.

Who threw that? Was that you, freckles?

You have issues.

- We're gonna be great friends. - Mm-hmm.

Hey, um, empty.

What am I doing?

I am not your ten-year-old waitress anymore.

Get it yourself.

Would you close your eyes for a minute, please?

No. Last time I closed my eyes, you farted on me.

I am sitting down. Come on, honey, just for a sec, please.

- Absolutely not. - Close your eyes for a sec. Please.

- Okay, now what do you see? - Nothing.

And that's exactly what you pay here.

So if you and the kid want to continue living here,

you'll start bein' a little nicer to me.

What is that noise?

A raccoon got caught in the wall a couple weeks ago.

- Probably not dead yet. - Okay. Where's Danny?

Who?

Hey, buddy, what you doing?

Well, the Cannon said that I have to throw 1,000 of these,

- or we can't live here. - 1,000 throws?

I know you think you're trying to help, but please don't.

First of all, get that toilet thing outta my face.

Second of all, did you see that kid throw?

He's got an arm like a duck.

- Ducks don't have arms. - Precisely my point.

Look, I can teach that kid some things.

Oh, no, no teaching.

No screwing him up like you did me.

- I screwed you up? - Yeah.

How about when I got my first period?

- You told me to walk it off. - There was no Internet then.

And then, after college, do you remember what you said to me then?

Take the dog or he'll die.

After that.

You promised me you would see every game I ever played in.

I would look up in the stands, I never saw you once.

Danny is never going to feel that, okay?

The Gannon curse of being a minor leaguer in life

will stop with him, I'll make sure of it.

That is fine.

Tell you what, go get Donny, and I'll apologize to him.

- It's Danny. - Whatever.

Go get the guy, go get him,

and I will apologize.

Hey. Hey!

You get back here.

Twenty bucks if you can nail him.

I told you he sucks.

Hey.

- You dropped this. - Thanks.

- I'm Danny Gannon. - You were at the baseball field the other day.

Yeah, I'm gonna be playing this year.

- Cool. - You have ridiculously brown eyes.

She's mine. You don't ever talk to her, you got it?

David, he's new. Leave him alone.

Did you know that bullying, at our age,

is linked to compensating for a small penis?

Listen, freak, I see you around here again, I'm gonna beat your ass.

And you know what? There's not a thing...

You stay away from her, and me.

- Weirdo. - Why did you do that?

That kid's scared of me now.

He doesn't know why, but he is.

You're weird. I like that.

- See ya. - Bye.

Raccoon, lunch.

Oh, oh. Come here a second.

What the heck happened to you?

I kissed a boy.

Here we go. You're not a piccolo player, are you?

Cannon, I'm not gay.

A kid was picking on me, so I thought kissing him

would freak him out and throw him off his game.

Yeah, I get it.

- Both: You do? - Absolutely.

I once batted against Vida Blue with my johnson out.

He walked me on four straight pitches.

- My kid punched me. - Okay.

You get a pipe or a brick.

When the kid comes around the corner,

- you come out, and you crack him. - No, no.

No bricks, no pipes. Hello.

A bag of nickels.

Let me see that.

It's gonna be okay. It's nothin'.

Go and get three cans of beer.

Put one of them cold ones right on your eye, all right?

- What do I do with the other two? - Hands.

No beer. Ice.

What's with the face?

Problem with the she-gina, somethin'...

That was someone from the league.

You didn't make the team.

- I'm really sorry, buddy. - Well, that sucks.

Now how am I gonna impress Vanessa?

Maybe you stop kissin' boys.

Vanessa's just gonna have to learn to love you

for your brilliant mind and your boyish good looks.

Well, I'm screwed.

God, I feel so bad for him.

- You're full of crap. - What?!

You're relieved.

Now you don't have any reason to go to that field,

or be around that miserable game,