The Three Don'ts

Sir,

the drugs... the key... They've been stolen

Get Banger on the phone.

Now.

- Is it done? - Tis, hai.

Sorted the fucking clowns what robbed your merch.

And your efforts will be rewarded.

Fucking want to be, boss.

Do I need to remind you of the Three Don'ts?

Hmph. You don't need to tell me anything, boss.

I know the Three Don'ts as good as anyone.

Aye and you learned them from me.

So what's next?

I'll call your boys, organise the meet,

drop off the merch. You can sort us out then.

You didn't, uh, find anything else, did you?

Uh, nah.

Not a thing boss. Only the drugs.

You wouldn't lie to me now, would you?

Hmph. Wouldn't dream of it boss.

Fine.

Organise the meeting. We'll chat soon.

There ye go lads.

- Nice one man. - Sound.

Look, it's a simple job

and we could be set for life off the back of this.

How the fuck are we meant to trust these lads?

I mean this sounds like some seriously risky shit.

Of course it's fucking risky

but sure when has that stopped you before

You go from A to B to get a bag of weed this is basically the same thing

No, No.

Only this time we're getting paid.

No, No, No. Look. Yeah, I get that but man

This sounds super fuckin...

The guys name is Banger!

He's hardly a trustworthy gentleman.

Jason: How the fuck do you even know these lads?

Well, I don't really know them.

But they're supposed to be grand.

I know them through Mickey. He got a lot of yokes off them

Mickey? Yeah.

As in Ridley?

- Load of yokes. - Yeah...

sound like a fucking basket of kittens

Jason: Man... OK, look...

Call up these boys and find out exactly what it is

that they want you to do.

Call them and find out. e?

Because college is the last of my worries, if I end up in fucking jail.

Should you have a codename?

- What? - Reservoir dogs shit.

I'm not using no codename.

What if the guards are listening to the call?

Sure, how are the fucking boys supposed to know it's me?

Just call them up and be like:

Well, this is B. They're going to know it's you,

they're expecting a call for the job.

I am not using no codename.

: OK, OK. No codename. But just do me a favour,

for the love of god

Please don't mention my name.

Grand. Jason: I don't want these lads

- knowing anything about me. Alright? - Grand, grand. Give me the phone.

Fucking tit.

- Well, who that? - Oi, Banger. It's B. How're you doing?

B? I don't know any fucking B's chief...

Didn't I tell you before, I don't be dealing

with fucking initials. Who the fuck are you?

Benson. Benson, I'm Harry's nephew. He said you might have some work for me.

Harry's nephew. Yeah, Yeah. Yeah, I might have something for you.

Where are you now?

Can you meet me there by the old abandoned pub in Clonlara?

Just finishing off a pint here, but I can be down there in about...

say twenty minutes, is that alright with you?

Not a bother boss. Will you be on your own?

Nah, I'll have my mate Jason with me.

- What the fuck? - Shut up you Gowl.

Twenty minutes now. No longer. No later. Right.

Good luck.

- I told you not to mention my name. - Sorry...

Nah, well, fucking...

if anything goes down with these lads, you got us covered

Mr-Fucking-Miyagi.

Nah man. I bet if shit goes down, you'll throw yourself like a sack of potatoes.

A sack of spuds?

- Yeah. - What kind of fucking analogy is that?

Sack of fucking spuds... Ah no, remember it, wth Ridley...

Ah, I didn't need that memory popping back up. - Oh man.

Smoke off that.

- Yeah. One more pull. - Come on will ya.

Alright, now. Shut up.

Let me talk to these boys.

Boys!

Nice to meet you.

Aren't you going to answer the man.

Yeah...

Calm down. Just pop one, just pop one...

They're not real Tic-Tac's you know.

Yokes, like.

Mad fucker do be popping them like fucking panadol so he does.

Anyway cheers boys.

Simple aul' job right,

hop into the car there right? Go out to the woods.

Meet the boys for drop off.

If it's such a simple job

and it's good paying cash, why aren't ye doing it?

Is he for fucking real is he?

Are you fucking...

are you giving me cheek, are ya?

Amount of fuckin' boys who'd be killing for this job

you're fucking give me

Stall a second now. He's only asking a simple question.

I'm sure ye would ask the same thing if ye were in our positions.

Just checking to see if he had the balls to do it.

I've a bit of hating on me.

A few of the big boys, you know, out to get me.

Last thing I want now is them catching me with a boot full of X.

Oh, ah, whoa, oh, hold on now.

Ah. What do you mean by full of X exactly?

Full of.

As in the fucking boot is full of fucking X,

are you stupid are ya?

Fucking 750k worth in there so there is.

I need to get it out to the boys to be distributing it for me.

What did you was coming to sell you milk, is it?

Before we do this now, is there anything we should know?

No, nah, nothing. It's all good.

Simple job, simple job.

Follow the Three Don'ts, you'll be fine.

The Three Don'ts?

Yeah, ya fucking shit stain.

The Three Don'ts!

Don't number one,

don't be asking stupid fucking questions,

but you broke that one didn't ya.

Don't number two,

don't be fuck acting. Gowling around.

Get the fucking job done.

There's another don't though, lads.

Don't ever... mess with a fucking traveller.

Ha, ha, ha. I'm only messing with ya boy.

Did ya see his face did ya?

Did ya see him? His fucking chest puffing out, he was ready to go, so he was.

And this fella? I could've sworn he grew some hair on his balls.

And don't number three,

don't be looking in the fucking boot, right? Tis not for yer eyes.

What's the thing they say? Curiosity killed the cat isn't it?

Do ya get me?

'mere.

Ye be taking our car, right, we'll take yers.

- Grand. - Go on. Good luck.

Good luck boys.

What the fuck are we doing?

Road trip.

- Want some? - Nah man. I'm alright.

Man, you used to be way more fucking fun when you went through college.

Don't give me that shit. I've enough pressure on me.

Doesn't that usually go the other way around

I've enough stress on me already and I've a fucking headache.

Ah yeah. You know what's good for that?

Let me guess? A joint...

- Will you fucking watch what you're doing? - Oi, fucking stop will you.

You get for fucking smoking weed

It's the fucking country roads, man. Fuck you.

Fuck sake.

- Fucking hell... - Why the fuck are we stopped?

Shit, the boot man. The boot is open.

You're some fucking man, you know that?

What?

What is it?

Was it the smoke, was it?

Those fucking cunts...

- It's Banger. - Well Banger... It's Benson.

Ah jesus, Benson lad, how're you getting on? Are we rich yet?

No Banger, we're not fucking rich yet.

We've got a problem, that's what we've got.

What kind of a fucking problem?

The problem is, instead of a boot full of X there's a boot full of

...Fucking bodies ya cunt!

Sounds to me like you didn't follow the fucking Three Don'ts.

What was don't number three Benson?

Hoi, don't mind that fucking shit with me.

Don't look in the fucking boot.

You stupid fucking prick, I'll fucking kill you.

I'll rip your fucking head off, you bastard,

- do ya hear me? I'll fuckin... - Fucking tyre blew out, man.

I had to check the boot for a spare.

Right.

There was probably a bit of a mix up alright.

Seems like you got the wrong car, wrong delivery.

All you have to do now is just bury the two bodies.

You'll still get your money.

Here, no fucking disrespect at all right, I signed up for a fucking courier job...

I didn't sign up to be a gravedigger.

I don't think we can do this, man.

Alright, Alright. Just dig the fucking graves, alright

We'll be out. We'll find ye. Alright.

Ye still get yer money, alright. Deal? Deal? Deal?

Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. Grand, grand. There's fucking shovels