BoJack Horseman

You shut down production?

Just for a couple of days.

What is going on over there?

-It's a minor injury issue. -A stunt went slightly awry.

Again?

And one of our stars got a little strangled.

-What? -Just a little strangled.

Like, the minimum amount of strangled.

Everyone's fine now. It's like it didn't even happen.

-Except... -Except what?

Some crew members might have taken some video of the incident

that could leak to the press at any moment.

But that's it!

Okay, I'm pulling the plug.

- What? -No!

It's too dangerous! We gotta cut our losses.

Cut your losses? Philbert is a monster hit!

We put your site on the map, boy-o,

so don't get squeamish now about sunk cost.

Face it: You need us like a fish needs a bicycle

in Portland, Austin, Boulder, or Minneapolis, Saint Paul!

You are out of order.

Fine. Switch Boulder and Austin and move the Twin Cities to the front.

Now, can you give me a chance to get everything under control?

- Yes! Yes! Yes! - You have one more chance.

Do you promise me you can take care of this?

I'm clearing my docket. This is my only priority.

Good, because my boss has made it very clear

that if we let him down, he will, quote, "eat my ass for dinner."

- -

- -Hello?

Hey, buddy, well, how ya feeling today?

Weird. Am I supposed to be on set right now?

You just stay right there. I'm coming over.

-Okay. -Do me a favor, though?

Maybe don't watch any TV, or go on the Internet,

or take any phone calls from anybody else until I get there, okay?

-What? -

-Ugh. -

-Stuart. -What up?

Draft an email to Biscuits Braxby.

I wanna set up an interview for-- Hold on, I'm getting another call.

You want that part in the email?

-Hello? -Princess Carolyn! It's Sadie.

Remember me? You wanted my baby, and you came down to Eden,

then you thought about your past a lot, and I decided not to give you my baby?

Of course I remember you, Sadie. Unfortunately, this isn't a great time.

Anyway, I got to thinking... I interviewed a lot of people for adoption.

After I said I wasn't gonna give them the baby,

They all went cold or nasty. Except you. You were still nice.

- -I think that's a sign.

-How fast can you get to Eden? -Why?

My boyfriend left me, my mama stole my truck,

-and I don't want this baby no more. -Oh, fish, Sadie.

I'm kind of in the middle of something now.

You're in the middle of something?

I'm about as deep in contractions as an apostrophe!

- -I know. This is all just coming so fast.

I... Let me call you back.

Okay, but if this baby pops out and you're not here,

-I'm putting it in a dumpster. -

I'm kidding, I'm giving it to someone else.

-Hey. -Hi.

I always forget how tiny and Dickensian this place is.

It's really great how you don't need nice things to be happy.

-Yes, I agree. What do you want? -

For the last couple months, I've had work to distract me,

but now that we're on strangle hiatus, I can't stop thinking about that "thing"

that happened in the prepiere of the Philbert.

-"Strangle hiatus?" -Diane, stay on topic.

-You know what "thing" I'm talking about? -Yes.

-The thing between us? -Got it.

When we had sex?

I was on top and then briefly on bottom. Human-y style?

Yep, I remember.

Pickles has no idea, and I've never felt so guilty in my life.

I hate keeping secrets from people.

It's like Rob Schneider's surprise party all over again.

You cheating on your girlfriend

is not the same as Rob Schneider's surprise party.

You're right, this is much less sad and involves more people.

-Just tell Pickles the truth. -Oh, I'm not good at giving bad news.

-Could you do it? -What? No!

But you're so good at bumming people out. I'm more of a "good news" guy.

You want your ex-wife to explain the fact

that you cheated with your ex-wife to your current girlfriend?

Well, of course every idea sounds stupid if you describe what it is.

You're not the only one who feels gross about that night.

Do you have any idea how shitty I felt after you left?

So I made you feel gross, and now...

No, you didn't make me anything! I am gross.

I feel, all the time, like a garbage fire.

And not a cozy dumpster in a quaint alley,

but a barge, floating out to sea, with no rudder.

I am a rudderless burning large garbage barge.

Well, I'm sorry that you feel that way all the time,

but I don't usually, and now, for the first time ever, I do,

and I don't know what to do with that feeling!

-Good! You should feel bad! -Well, I do!

-Great! Me, too! -Great!

Great!

So, what, exactly, do you think happened last night?

Uh...

I don't know. We shot some stuff?

There was an accident on set and Gina got injured.

-Oh, my God, she did? -She's fine.

-But some footage has gotten out. -Footage?

And because of how it looks,

some people might get the impression that you were trying to hurt Gina.

-They're gonna get the impression. -Right.

-But I wasn't. -Of course not.

What did happen?

So, the two of you are gonna do a sit-down interview with Biscuits Braxby.

She makes news fun!

Yes. All you need to say is that you know the footage looks bad,

but you and Gina are actors.

You performed a convincing scene,

and you can't wait for everyone to see the new season.

Well, it seems like you've got everything under control.

I'm sorry things got so messy with the show.

I didn't always look out for you as much as I should have.

I can take care of myself. I know you've got a lot on your plate.

It's just been so crazy, this adoption process,

but I think once I get a baby, my life will be less hectic, you know?

Oh, sure.

That is why new mothers always seem so chilled-out and well-rested.

Okay, buddy.

Why don't you save your funny jokes for the interview?

But please don't make jokes at the interview.

Sorry I broke every piece of furniture you own.

-Will 20 dollars cover it? -Don't worry about it. But, yes.

-So, what happens now? -I don't know.

-I have to tell Pickles. -Yeah.

-I'll tell her you and I had a talk. -Okay.

-And we're getting back together. -Wait, what?

-But she's a great girl. -No, no.

But she is a great girl. You just don't know her.

No, Mr. Peanutbutter.

I don't want to get back together with you.

-What? -I think you misunderstood.

-Then why do you keep doing this? -Why do you keep doing this?

-Because I love you! -Don't say that.

It's true. I never stopped loving you.

No. We can't do this ever again.

-I'm sorry. -

See? I told you you were great at giving bad news.

That is not what I wanted to hear.

BoJack, Biscuits. Biscuits, BoJack.

This interview's gonna go down smooth, like a 1995 Zinfandel.

You ever try one of those '95 zins? Good year for Zinfandels.

Bad year for Oklahoma federal buildings.

-M'kay. -Here's how it's gonna go down.

Red light on the camera goes bloop! I go, "Hey!" You go, "Hey!" I go, "Video?"

You go, "Nah!" I go, "Really?"

You go, "Well..." and you roll me through the rigamarole.

-Oh, don't-- -Don't forget to plug your show.

Then I go, "Wow. This has been so illuminating. Thank you so much."

Red light goes boo-de-de-boop, we'll be out of here before Traffic.

And, yes, I'm talking about the Stephen Soderbergh movie Traffic.

It's playing on FX tonight, and I'm hoping to catch it.

Love me some Cheadle.

Am I crazy or was she kind of hitting on me?

Yeah. You guys have a real flirty energy,

like Matt Lauer and those magazine cut-outs he now interviews in his kitchen.

-This should be fun. -Now that's the spirit!

You gotta show me this video.

No, I really don't think that's necessary.

I'll look like an idiot if I don't know what I'm talking about.

Just let me see it. How bad could it be?

Cut to: "Ooh, it's really bad!" But, no, seriously, can I see it?

- -Hey, wow, look at me go.

- BoJack! -Oh. Oh!

Oh, look out, I'm getting really, um...

Well, this looks like...

Yeah.

Because I'm actually...

Yeah.

Diane! What have you been up to? Tell me everything.

Actually, I've been working on a book of essays--

Okay, I was obviously asking to be polite,

and it's very rude of you to assume that I care.

I have news that's actually interesting.

Girl Croosh is pivoting to video, and I want you to be the face.

-The face? -Of the site.

Every woman under 40 will tune in to hear what you have to say.

And possibly women over 40, but we have no way of knowing

because they're invisible to our site metrics.

Stefani... no.

I don't understand. My parents never said no to me growing up,

so I'm literally incapable of processing it as a concept.

I'm a hypocrite. I'm miserable and I make other people miserable.

I don't know what I'm doing. I can't be a trusted news source,

or an authority, or a role model for anybody.

Uh, no one called you a "role model." Settle down.

-Oh. Um... -You know what your problem is?

You hold everyone to an impossible standard,

including yourself.

It's super helpful for writing hot-take shakedowns,

and clickbait take-downs, but totally toxic for your personal life

and internalized sense of self-worth, girl.