The Four Seasons

["Qui tollis peccata mundi" from Gloria in D Major by Vivaldi playing]

Well, kids, sorry to love you and leave you,

but I got a hot date in Philadelphia.

Oh, Danny!

- Your car is three minutes away. - Aw.

How's your mom, Danny?

Mm. You know Beverly.

She fell off her porch and she's acting like she got a bug bite.

Oh, she's a tough cookie.

I just got to be there until she gets out of the hospital,

and then Aunt Pam can take over.

You think you'll make it back before Christmas, though?

I'm going to try.

In case you don't make it back before Christmas,

maybe we should have a really fast Christmas now.

- We still have three minutes, right? - Actually, we're down to one right now.

- Oh, fuck, Danny, I'm your Secret Santa! - Oh!

Get out the Christmas cookies! Start singing a Christmas carol!

- Uh… - Go!

That's what you're going with? It's so fast and high.

It's just a couple of days.

- You're sure you don't want me to come? - No.

But I want to be here.

I promise.

Okay, I got it.

It's a sexy gingerbread man calendar.

And there's one where he's wearing icing for chaps.

I love you. Oh, uh…

- Your car is here. - Oh.

This song is stressful as shit.

- Holy shit! - Watch out, Pentatonix!

- You guys! -

["Qui tollis peccata mundi" by Vivaldi playing]

Okay, so this cathedral was the site of the Council of Trent

during the Protestant Reformation.

You guys want to hear more about it?

- No need to answer. Your faces betray you. -

Mama?

I can't come now! I'm with my friends.

Don't cry.

I'll come. I'll come!

Do you mind if I leave the tour early?

Just my mother's Christmas tree is tilting.

She worries it will crush a grandchild. I have to go pick up my cousin's chainsaw.

Now Italian Claude is wielding a chainsaw.

Okay.

All right. Um…

I promise I'll check in later, okay?

Enjoy your tour. Love you, bye. Ciao. Ciao!

So, you want to go inside and read all the little plaques?

You know what? No.

I mean, since we've been here, we've visited three churches

and walked by five live nativities.

No, look, another one. Six.

Wow, Joseph is stacked.

Hm.

What if we did something not religious tonight,

like a romantic meal?

Oh, I could definitely eat.

Okay, yeah, uh, great. So, table for three.

Oh--

Sorry.

You guys want to have a romantic dinner.

- No, Anne, we can all go. - No. You know what?

Yesterday, I promised myself, today I would be a new woman.

So,

first things first, a new walk.

["Tu scendi dalle stelle" by Alphonsus Liguori playing]

Okay.

Wow, wow, wow.

I thought she said "new walk."

["Tu scendi dalle stelle" by Alphonsus Liguori continues]

How wonderful, Claudio!

You're our savior!

- Eh. -

Hold on, Mama. It's Danny.

- Hey! - Hi.

How's Beverly?

Oh, I'm right as rain, baby.

She cracked her pelvis and she needs surgery.

Oof.

I may need to stay a little longer.

I should be there.

Should I come tonight?

No, no, no, it's all under control.

But the doctor says that we may need to look into

a living situation with more hands-on care.

Aw, you better not be talking about putting me in no home.

People get raped in those. I saw that on Action News .

I'm not-- I'm talking about Aunt Pam.

Pam's on her way.

- We'll figure out a plan once she's here. - I'm already here.

Aunt Pam?

I'm sorry I'm late.

I got on the wrong bus and went to Delaware.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Hi. - You all right, sugar?

- I'm all right. How you doing? - Wait, is that Claude?

- Hey, baby. - Hi.

Oh my God. She's shrunk like a sweater in the dryer.

She can't take care of your mom.

- I'm getting a flight tonight. - No, no, no. I've got it all handled.

Um… I love you. We'll check in tomorrow, okay?

- - I like your wig.

This is just like the Olive Garden in Secaucus.

Think I can take my shoes off here?

I have seen more than one person do it there.

This is very nice, Jack. I'm glad we're doing this.

Me too.

- Look, I know I've been a bummer. - No.

But I kind of had a breakthrough yesterday.

Oh, tell me.

I have spent so much of this year trying to pretend I'm fine.

But the only way to feel better is to really admit where you're at.

Yeah, kind of like how I decided to start telling my doctor

the real number of drinks I have every week.

It is not zero to two.

Right. And where I'm at right now is my lowest low.

I feel like a loser who's failed at everything he's tried to do this year.

- What do you mean? What did you fail at? - Everything.

I mean, honoring our friend. Thanksgiving. I didn't run the marathon.

Listen, you tried your best. And you did honor Nick.

Remember you got that website to name a star after him?

That was nice. I shouldn't have called it a scam.

And when I get more ink, I will print the certificate, okay?

Okay.

Yes, let's decide what we're going to get. What looks good to you?

I don't know.

Hey, can we just have, like, a nice evening?

We are. Wait, I mean, I just said, "I don't know."

Right? I haven't even read the secondis.

Yeah, but you failed at everything this year?

I mean, honey, you don't always have to sink to the depths.

Well, no, I don't always have to. But we can't never go there.

This year was hard on me too, Jack.

But I don't dwell on it. I just try to keep moving.

Wow. Well, you're so strong and cool.

- Congratulations. - Oh, come on.

The only thing that I'm trying to get at here, and I--

May I play a song for the beautiful couple?

Yes, please.

How are things in Philadelphia?

Mama, I don't know.

He doesn't want me there.

He just wants to decide it all himself.

We're back to how we used to be.

If you think you should go, go.

But he told me not to.

What do I do?

No one tells you what to do.

You are Claude.

["Winter" from The Four Seasons by Vivaldi playing]

Hi! Hey! Are you in Italy?

I am.

Are you busy?

Uh, no, I am just, you know, trying to decorate for Gino's first Christmas.

But I have not really had time yet.

His stocking is like a knee sock from when I was Britney Spears for Halloween.

Oh, honey, he's just a baby.

You have at least until they turn five until they remember your fuck-ups.

Hey, hon, um, do you remember that

duck that I gave Gino when we were down the Shore?

I do, yeah. He plays with it in the bath sometimes.

Did you happen to notice a phone number on the bottom of it?

Yes, I did.

Hang on. It's somewhere in here.

Uh, but if I can't find it, can I interest you in this guy?

Oh yeah, he seems like a very generous lover.

- - Ah!

I got it.

Ooh! Texting you a pic right now.

Yeah.

So, are you gonna call Mark Brett?

- Thanks, Ginny. -

- -

Hello.

Hi, Mark?

It's Anne.

We met and had… sex at the Jersey Shore.

Mm, I had sex with, like, 30 people at the Jersey Shore, so…

Oh, you did.

No. No, I didn't. That was a joke. I'm joking.

Oh.

That was funny.

Hi, Anne. How are you?

Oh, I'm good.

I'm actually in Italy.

No way.

Yeah, and I was…

I don't know. I just was thinking about you.

Uh, wait, Anne, I feel like I should tell you that I have a girlfriend now.

Good for you.

- That is not why I was calling. -

That sounded weird.