Joey

Do I smell Mom's special chicken noodle soup?

That's right.

Box of Lipton's and a cut-up hot dog.

Man, that woman can cook!

What are you so happy about?

It's Michael- he's sick.

And that's a good thing?

Yeah, a sick boy needs his mother.

I'm necessary again.

Oh, look at him! He looks so pale.

Dude, you look awful.

Yeah, I feel awful. I think I got the flu.

Oh, don't you tease me!

Come on, sit down, honey. I want to take your temperature.

You have a thermometer?

Uh, I think I do, yeah.

When I left Days of Our Lives, I took a whole box of their stuff.

They just let you take all that stuff?

When you shove it down your pants, they don't seem to mind.

Why is there writing all over everything?

Oh, that's dialogue.

I used the props as cheat sheets when I had to remember difficult medical jargon.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Ramoray. "

That took 20 takes.

Man, this stuff really takes me back.

All those years playing a doctor, I feel like I actually became one, you know?

And these were the tools of my trade.

Knee hammer...

ear looker...

necklace.

Hi. I'm here to read for the part of "Outraged Man. "

Just sign in right here.

Like hell I will!

Sorry, I bet people have been doing that all day.

Nope, you're the only one.

All right.

Sure are a lot of people here for such a small part.

There are no small parts...

only small actors.

You mean... children?

I kinda need to go over my lines.

Not me. Got it all right up here.

Nope.

Hey, buddy, you need to look on?

Yeah, thanks, man.

All right. Got it.

I'm Brian Michael David Scott.

That's a lot of names.

I'm a lot of actor.

I'm Joey Tribbiani.

Oh, please, I know who you are.

Dr. Drake Ramoray from Days of Our Lives. I'm a big fan of your work.

Really? Well, thanks, man.

I'd offer you a Days of Our Lives T-shirt, but I only got two left,

and I like to trade those for sex.

So, I guess we'll be seeing a lot of each other.

You know, probably up for a lot of the same roles-

male, mid-'30s, dangerous, but sensitive.

Man, this audition is taking a long time. I'm going to call my agent.

Speed dial...

Hi, Lisa, it's Bri-Mi. Look... Huh? What?! You're kidding?

No, wait, wait, don't blame yourself. I'll call you back.

Bad news, man.

They canceled this audition.

They gave the part to someone else.

And no one here told us? Now I really am Outraged Man.

Well, who'd they give it to?

Probably somebody who's willing to sleep with the producers.

That's how this town works, isn't it? There, I said it!

Well, I guess we can go then, huh?

You know, you go. I'm going to stick around.

My, uh, apartment doesn't have air-conditioning.

- Really great meeting you, Brian... - Brian Michael David Scott.

- How do you feel about "Dude"? - Awesome, my brotha.

Joey Tribbiani?

Joey?

Hey, did-did someone say my name?

No. Uh, no one did. But someday soon, everyone will.

I'm going to go fix you more tea.

Hey, Gina, look, uh, you've been here for a couple days now without a break.

Why don't you let me take over, you know?

Go have a little "Gina time".

I don't have "Gina time" anymore. I'm a mother.

I don't go out. I don't go on dates. I don't have fun.

I don't do anything for myself anymore.

So, you got those for Michael?

She's not going anywhere. How you feeling?

Not great.

But everything's going to be fine tomorrow.

How do you figure?

Well, if she doesn't leave by then, I'm gonna kill myself.

Don't be so dramatic.

She said we're going to "flush" my system, Joey.

I don't know what that means.

Yeah, your grandmother was the same way when I was sick.

I've had my system flushed.

Makes you ask yourself some big questions.

Come on, Joey, you got to get up.

Michael's about to take his nap in here.

She makes me take a nap every day at 1:00.

Not tomorrow, though.

Fine, all right, I'll go watch TV in my room.

No, no, no. You can't. I put the humidifier in there.

It's filling up with steam.

What? You just take over my room? I've got private stuff in there.

Well, if you're worried about me reading your diary, it's too late.

"Dear Diary, Gina's mean to me... "

That's going straight in the book.

Look, Gina, I know Michael's sick.

But this is my apartment. I need some space.

Look, why don't you just go to my place?

You can stay there till he gets better.

I don't want to do that.

There's lasagna in the fridge, and I have Cinemax.

Get me the keys.

No, thank you, thank you.

It's easy when the words are this good.

- Hey, dude. - Hey, Joey!

- How'd you do in there? - Really well.

Hey, I know we're in competition for this thing, but you know what?

If I don't get it, I hope that you do. How 'bout that?

You are awesome.

No, I'm just Brian Michael David Scott, Joey.

Hey, you added a "Joey"!

- Joey Tribbiani? - Yeah, right here.

Oh, hey, buddy. Listen.

I got some inside info on this audition,

and I wouldn't feel right about leaving without sharing it with my new best friend.

Oh, great. What do you got?

Uh, this casting director is deaf,

so you gotta scream all your lines.

Thanks. That is good to know.

Maybe your husband's funeral isn't the best place to tell you this,

but I love you, Sharon!

I love you with all my heart!

So, when will I know if I got it?!

What's the middle finger in sign language?

Yeah, well, Mother, I don't understand what you're so upset about.

So, they're going to remove your uterus?

What do you need it for?

Look, I gotta go. Yeah, I love you, too. Bye!

What'd you want to see me about?

Well, I wanted to explain to you how the business works.

See, you book a job, and I get ten percent.

Do you know what ten percent of zero is?

Uh, six goes into 40...

Oh, God!

I have never wanted to slap you more.

Look, you are screwing up your career!

You don't show up for an audition, you scream at a casting director...

Well, the only reason I did that is 'cause he's deaf.

Who told you that?

This actor. I see him at all my auditions. He gives me pointers.

Oh, wait a second.

Is he the reason why

you went into an audition,

you threw away your script and you start barking?

Yeah. Did I get that part?

Oh, Joey, he's messing with your head.

What?

Yeah, your little friend is shoving crap up your pooper.

Joey...

you're such a sweet, naive guy.

But you can't let people take advantage of you.

I really liked him. I can't believe this.

I can't believe they take the fat out of my ass and put it in my lips, but they do.

"But then she surprises me.

Like tonight, she generously offered me her place to stay...

Well, I guess that's all for now.

Until tomorrow.

Sincerely... "

"Love, Joey. "

Hey, baby doll.

- What?! - What?

What? Wha...?!

- Who-who are you?! - Who are you?!

- I'm Roger! - I'm Joey!

Well, that doesn't help us at all!

I'm Gina's boyfriend!

Gina doesn't have a boyfriend! I'm her brother. I would know.

You're her brother? Oh, you're not supposed to know about me.

Can you just pretend you don't know what's going on?

I don't know what's going on!

Now all we do is decide which one of us gets to stay.

Get out of here!

Hey. So, I found out about your little secret last night.

Oh, my God. Last night was Wednesday. I forgot. Poor Roger!

Poor Roger?! Poor Roger's bed buddy!

That guy's all hands!

Look, let's not make a big deal about this, okay?

He's just some guy I've been seeing.

Well, so why didn't you just tell me about him?

Because I knew you would tell Michael.

So?

So, he doesn't like to know about that stuff.

When he was 12, and I was seeing this guy,

he built a BioDome in the backyard,

and he wouldn't come out till I stopped dating him.

- What's a BioDome? - It's, like, a nerd fort.

Look, he's an adult, all right?