The Chaser's War on Everything

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, good evening, we're on our own, Australia.

Welcome to the war for another week.

And as always, it is great to have your company.

It is, although, frankly, I'd rather have that company

owned by Kevin Rudd's wife.

She is making some big bickies there, isn't it?

I mean, I had no idea underpain workers was so lucrative.

Now, exactly. Well, she's now agreed to sell off half the company.

Look, I think it's only further, Jeanette Hounds follows suit.

I mean, Jeanette needs to make a sacrifice too

and give up her role of doing bugger ore.

Absolutely. It's John Howard's role to do bugger ore

for the country.

Jeanette does it as well. There's a clear conflict of interest.

Yes, it is. It makes me mad.

You make me mad too.

Oh, and I tell you what else makes me mad.

What else? And it's not cracked pepper.

LAUGHTER

But it does funnel enough to involve waiters,

specifically drinks waiters who try to take away your drink

before you finish it. Oh, I hate that.

I hate that. Who gets the stupid thing?

You throw them in bars all the time.

They swoop on your glass like hooks.

Oh, I know. I thought I was the only person who got annoyed by it.

So I was keen to see this week

if other people found it just as annoying as I do.

LAUGHTER

I'll finish here.

No. No.

Still going on there?

Yeah. Oh, sorry.

That's all right.

That's all right. That's all right.

It's not that bad.

Yeah, that's...

It's how much you've heard.

That's all I've got.

It's full of wet, half of the wood.

Oh, in one view it is.

It's...

It basically is the sediment, so that's...

What?

I've finished.

Oh, yeah.

And the water you've done with?

No, it's still going with that.

Are you wanting us to leave the table?

No, no, no, you're right.

Come on.

You want to crack pepper?

Finish with the coffee?

No.

No.

Sorry, madam?

That's all right.

That one's finished?

No.

No.

All right, burgers today.

Nice.

Finished with the drink?

No.

Still going on that?

Yes.

Sure.

Same as originally empty.

Just keep us that drink back, right?

No, I...

Oh, no, no.

It's not taking half of it.

Lovely.

Finished?

Yeah, but it's mine, so I'm going to give it.

Excuse me.

Yeah.

You're finished with that?

You're going to need the fire?

Still need the fire.

Still need the baby?

Still need the baby?

You want to get the straw?

Do you want me to...

When did your pleas go away?

Quite happy?

No.

All right, all right.

You should need the food you're doing.

You finished with those?

What?

I don't know.

Okay.

I don't know.

Thank you.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

I think that is finished.

No, it's not.

I think it is finished.

I think it's finished.

What?

What?

You fucking do it!

It's definitely finished now.

Yeah, it's 100 metres.

It's very nice.

It's in this fucking country.

It's going to be so cool.

It's going to be noah-jewel-o-it's going to be great.

The blow-up guys.

Ponies.

Even young children on swings.

Now Adam and Jamie take on their biggest challenge yet.

Tire up.

All right.

We're almost ready to blow up.

Myth vusters.

This is going to be great.

What are you doing?

7.30 Monday on SBS.

I have that usual.

But I don't know what spam email,

like we've found out so called internet university.

Oh god, yeah, they're so annoying, aren't they?

They're annoying.

They're great.

I mean, what else can you get a university degree

in seven days for $450?

Yeah, but mate, you've already got an university degree.

Yeah, I do.

But I'll tell you, it doesn't.

My dog's sunny.

Now, he's been hand-grinned for an education for some time now, Jules.

And I thought this was a golden opportunity.

So I logged on to that helloed institution,

the Ashwood University website.

And forget your heart, but I'll yail,

this is where all the top students go.

And I applied for a medicine degree for my boy, Sunny.

I told them all the relevant life experience,

Sunny's had,

such as eating out of hospital rubbish bins

and sniffing out the dog's bumps.

I paid them my $450 and then I waited.

And a week later,

Sunny became Dr. Sunny.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

And they even gave him an academic transcript.

It looks like some very impressive work.

They've got an A in immunology,

an A in medical bacteriology.

Although this is a bit disappointing,

oral communication and presentation skills,

an A minus.

What's Sunny doing?

Give him a break, mate. He's a dog.

You're not a very communicative one, obviously.

I've got to say, I have never been proud of

the day Sunny graduated.

The only question now is,

where is he going to practice medicine?

So I took him to a top hospital to see if they take him on.

Go on, Dr. Sunny, let's get straight into it.

Good doctor.

Give me guys, um, we've got your new staff member here, Dr. Sunny.

Does anyone with me, Dr?

Here you guys are on the staff.

We've got a new doctor here,

we just graduated from Ashwood University.

Oh, I know, we haven't got your patient yet.

Hang on.

You need a doctor?

Yeah, let me tell Dr. Sunny your symptoms,

and he'll diagnose it.

No, the accident will work.

Yeah, the accident will work.

So what do you think of that, Dr. Sunny?

Ooh, okay, did you get that?

Just follow his instructions, you'll be right as well.

Okay.

Oh, that was Dr. Sunny!

Oh, excuse me.

Who's lying, cats in this hospital?

It's totally unhygienic to allow cats in this hospital.

I think it mattered here.

He's been studying for six years.

Don't look going.

He's got to go.

Bloody cat.

Got that cat to know, Dr.?

Unless Jess wears it, then it do you guys.

Wow, just in thanks.

I'm so kidding.

Who wants to pick him up with her?

Oh, I would very much like to it, but may just put a very pressing question.

Although I've opened up my heart to you,