Scrubs

Yesterday seemed like it would be a good day.

Then it happened.

- Hey, everyone. - Brace yourself, Newbie.

Carla, my ex-husband is in love with you. It's true.

Ask your boyfriend, he knows. He and Perry talk about it all the time.

Ah... And, Bob, when are you going to tell Perry

that promotion you're making him jump through hoops for

was filled months ago?

Which brings us to Twinkie.

If you don't have the courage to tell your colleague, Dr. Dorian,

that you're still crazy about him, I'm gonna do it for you.

'Cause that's what friends do.

And finally, Perry. You are not gonna believe what happened

the first time I met your protégé here.

No!

I slept with him. And it was good.

Oh... Bye.

Call it wishful thinking, but I couldn't shake this feeling

that this was nothing more than a very, very bad dream.

Good morning, tiger. - Of course, I've been wrong before.

You let a woman kick you out of your bed?

Baby, why are you so cranky in the mornings?

This is unacceptable. You said we'd sleep head to foot.

Either way, the naughty bits are still in the middle.

But with the head to foot alignment, they can't lock in.

- Could you be more homophobic? - I'm not.

- - Ready to go?

Morning, boy.

I can't remember the last time I was in this foul a mood.

- Rowdy, no. - Is that supposed to cheer me up?

Who would laugh at that?

Yeah, Rowdy, hit that!

- - I'm outta here.

Babe...

I hate it that everything's so messed up between all of us.

Well, just remember what I said to you this morning in bed.

I had shoes on. It would've been impossible to lock in.

Everything's gonna be fine, okay? Just be cool.

- I'm cool, I'm cool. - Two.

Hey, babe, come on. Where you going?

Just keep it down. Shh.

Nighty-night.

I wish one of my relationships could be back to normal.

Ooh. Looks like someone switched to big-boy pants a little too soon.

Oh, that's very clever. It looks like I wet myself.

Do you actually think that's funny?

Yeah.

Good God, that's cold.

Life in a hospital is made up of highs and lows.

For instance, my spare pair of scrubs doesn't match,

but I put my underwear in the microwave to dry them off and they feel gooood!

- What are you smiling at? - Can I have Mr. Buckley's chart?

No problem. I keep it right down there in the "get it yourself" file.

You know, Bob, I've been thinking about all the times

you've manipulated me and toyed with me,

and well, I can't help but recall that children's fable

about the race between the tortoise

and the pain-in-the-ass chief of medicine that everybody hates.

The chief of medicine that everybody hates

kept running out in front of the tortoise and taunting him,

but right at the end... Oh, gosh, I'm sure you remember what happened...

the tortoise bit clean through the chief of medicine's calf muscle,

dragged him to the ground where he and the other turtles devoured him alive

there on the racetrack.

It's a disturbing children's book, Bob, I know,

but it's one that's stuck with me nonetheless.

- Buzzy, buzz, buzz. - I beg your pardon.

That's the sound of all the bees in your bonnet.

And even though I could give a rat's ass, I still think it's a pretty sound.

And just like that, it was my turn to face the music.

Steady now. Be brave. Don't cry.

- Good morning. - What the hell?

- Dr. Dorian. - Woo!

- Here you go, whiz kid. - Ooh, is that my new nickname?

I thought people would cal me that in high school

when I was in The Wiz.

It was a hip version of The Wizard Of OZ.

Nipsey Russell played the Tin Man.

Remember that? No?

Kids can be mean and everyone just started calling me Dorothy.

High school was hard.

Oh, I'm sorry, sport. I was thinking about soup.

Now, Mr. Zerbo was admitted with a high fever and suspected meningitis.

But the head C.T. and the lumbar puncture came back negative.

I have a full patient load.

You can't drop this guy on me and expect me to make him a priority.

You want me to say "ta-dah" so it seems more like a trick?

Mr. Zerbo is a major hospital benefactor

and, by golly, it's a lot harder

to write a big, fat check if you're dead.

Neurology, rheumatology, hematology...

He's been to every service in the hospital.

What do you want me to do?

- I hope it's navy bean today. - Dr. Kelso.

Well, gee, sport,

stop whining, find out what's wrong with him, and treat it.

Or you can be damn sure

I'm gonna give you something to whine about.

Okay, fine. After all, I'm the whiz kid.

You are now.

Ladies, now that the Todd is a resident,

he wants to clear things up so you don't have to wonder any more.

Yes, yes, no, yes, no and yes, if I've been drinking.

- Come here, Wonder Bread. - What's up, doll?

If you ever get this close again, I will end you.

I'm changing you to a yes because you're feisty.

- Carla, I'm sorry. - For him? It's not your fault.

I'm talking about us. I'm sorry for what I did wrong.

- Which was? - You know.

See? You don't even realize why I'm upset. That...

- Why are you smiling? - Because I set your ass up.

Baby, I should've told you how Cox felt about you,

and I was wrong to talk behind your back,

which is a violation of the trust our relationship is based on.

That is why I'm sorry.

My boys got mad apologizing skills.

Todd, not now!

You can't just point out the obvious, you have to go deeper.

Todd, if you say, "That's what she said," I will brain you.

Now, come on, baby, connect with me. Why am I really upset?

I'm gonna stick with violation of trust. Final answer.

- Yeah, right. - Ohhh.

You know, I got half a mind to ask her out.

Too soon?

Well, thanks for the loaners, Chet.

Don't stain 'em.

Once you're a resident, you get a decent locker.

Still, it's a co-ed room, so if you need to change...

you do it fast.

Dude, that was, like, some sort of record or something.

Hello...

Sorry, Mom. It's got really awkward with this guy I was seeing.

And... Yes, Mom... Yay! I'm straight.

Look, I don't know what to do. Every time I see him, I get so embarrassed.

And... lonely, and mortified,

and I guess I was just hoping that you could...

Um, about 115 pounds.

Phen-phen kills people, Mom.

Because I'm a doctor. That's how I know.

- You look pretty. - Don't start.

- You look horrible? - I look fantastic.

And that's starting. I said not to start. Laverne?

- That's what she said. -

That's "don't start" in Spanish. - Bueno.

I planned to avoid Dr. Cox all day, but I needed his help.

I have this patient, Mr. Zerbo, I can't quite...

Maybe he just decided to let the whole ex-wife thing go.

- Auto-immune serologies? - All negative.

Then again, maybe he's just letting me stew for a while.

- Bone marrow biopsy? - Negative.

What kind of man tortures people like this?

'Fraid you got yourself a toughie.

Okay, fine, I'm sorry I slept with your ex-wife.

- I think I'll sit back down. - It was an accident.

First of all, it's not like you tripped and fell into her.

And then out of her and then into her again.

And second, you know that I don't want to talk about this.