Schitt's Creek

- Immigration? - Revenue.

Mrs. Rose! There are people here from the government!

I've been gutted!

John, I've been stripped of every morsel of pleasure I earned in this life!

Well, how do you think I feel, Moira?

Eli was family, for God's sake!

"Leave your finances to me," he said!

Son of a bitch!

Baby, it's crazy. People are just, like, taking our stuff!

I said, they're taking our stuff!

Can you just step out of the club for a second...

Hold on, hold on!

Those bags are not for you.

My boyfriend bought those for me.

So, theoretically, they are his!

Please, sir, can you step aside?

No, you step aside! You step aside!

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around

what kind of a sick person wants to get paid to destroy another person's life!

Destroy another person's life!

Where are you taking that?

My very soul has been kidnapped.

There's no ransom. No one's coming to save me!

We've got 15 minutes to collect our personals.

- Can we pick up the pace? No.

No! Did you put Kristen with Robin? They don't like each other!

No! No! (SOBBING)

Eli really did a number, Johnny.

He took everything.

They're still looking for him. They think he's in the Caymans.

He was our business manager. He's supposed to pay taxes!

Hmm.

There is a very small amount set aside for you,

and one asset the government has allowed you to retain.

The kids.

The children are dependents, Moira.

You bought a small town in 1991, Johnny.

Yes, I bought that as a joke for my son.

Wait, you actually purchased that town?

Yes, I purchased the town. How else could I get the deed?

You could've photoshopped the deed!

And saved the money! Saved the money!

Why would I Photoshop a deed? The joke was owning the town!

- Okay, stop. - That was the joke!

- Oh, my God! - Well, that was the joke!

To Johnny's credit,

this town might just be your saving grace.

- At least for a while. - What do you mean?

You can live there for next to nothing, until you get back on your feet.

I'm sure there's a penthouse we can move into.

Please, there are other options.

Well, homelessness is still on the table.

The whole time I was surrounded by old women wearing visors,

who smelled like yams!

There was nowhere to lie down!

There was nowhere to lie down. There was no bed!

- (DAVID GRUNTING) - There was no kitchen.

I know! No.

I don't know what to tell you.

There's like, cows all over the place.

Like, everywhere.

I don't know if there's an infestation.

I don't know what's happening. Yeah.

Johnny Rose!

Roland Schitt.

You're the mayor we're supposed to meet.

That's right. I'm the mayor.

So if you're looking for an ass to kiss, it's mine!

Oh, this is my family, my son...

Let's get you all squared away in the office there, Johnny, okay?

The gals can grab the bags. You follow me, all right?

Right this way. Watch it, honey. Here we come.

The Cheaters marathon we watched, it's like that.

Children, keep an eye on these bags.

Apparently in hell, there's no bellman!

- David, what are we... - Shut up!

- You shut up! - You shut up!

- Um, you shut up! - You shut up!

The name is Rose.

I don't see a reservation under that name.

It's okay, Stevie. I set aside two rooms for them.

Well, there's nothing here.

Well, okay, fine. Just book 'em in with two rooms.

These people own the town. They're big deals.

We'll need three rooms, minimum.

Ooh, no can do, honey.

Look, we have a one-room comp policy here,

and I am personally throwing in an extra room out of sheer decency, so...

What about suites? Do you have a couple of suites?

This guy!

Um...

No, this is a motel.

So we cater more to off road truckers and drunk teenagers.

Please, someone just give me a key, to a door, to a room, any room!

I just want a bathtub and a long extension cord, please.

There you go, ma'am.

Smells like a gym bag.

Dees anyone else feel light-headed?

Oh, my God, this takes me back to high school.

You know, I did the deed in just about every room in this place.

Yep, if a forensic team came in here with one of those blue lights,

this place would just light up!

Okay, that's good.

- Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! - Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, hey, chief, the other room's right through there.

Here you go.

And there's the bed.

I should probably pull off that cover and burn it.

All right.

Good, Roland. Thank you very much. Appreciate everything...

Have a ball in the land down under!

Ever wanna ride a kangaroo?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay, okay.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Okay!

Okay. Okay. I love you!

Oh, okay, well, looks like you got all the channels

except for Channel 19 for some reason. I don't know why.

Well, the thing is we won't be watching a lot of television.

But again, thank you.

Don't want to keep you. I know you're a busy man.

Whoa!

- (DOOR OPENING) - (MUSIC PLAYING)

- Hi. - Can I help you?

- I'm looking for an extra towel. - Okay.

And this might be a stupid question,

considering the state of the rugs in our room,

but do you have a business center here?

Yes, we do have a business center.

You can find it right outside the doors to your left,

right beside the Hammam spa.

Would you like me to book you a treatment while you're at it?

Thank you. No, just the towel, thanks.

I'll get those right out.

Well, Roland, once again, thank you

for giving us the lay of the land here,

but we have some serious unpacking to do.

- If you don't mind. - Oh, sure!

No problem there, Johnny. I don't mind helpin' out.

- Listen, one thing before I go here... - (CLEARS THROAT)

Do you mind if I use your toilet?

Is it absolutely necessary? (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, I would say it's absolutely necessary!

Excuse me. "Absolutely necessary."

Yes, that train has left the station, if you know what I mean!

I need that bed.

Why?

- Because I need it. - Why?

Because if someone were to break in here

in the middle of the night wanting to murder us,

they would attack this bed first.

So I need this bed.

So you're saying that you want me to get murdered first?

In front of you? And then what would you do?

Would you just run away and leave me to bleed out on the floor?

Sort of, that was the plan, yeah.

Okay.

Well, you can have the bed when I leave.

Well, where are you going?

Stavros is flying in to get me. I told you that.

What do you mean Stavros is...

What do you mean? When? When is he doing that?

Like, whenever stupid Mary-Kate stops hogging his plane.

Well, where are we going?

Okay. At present, he's just coming for me.

But then I figured that

we would just come back and grab you guys at some point.

What kind of sociopath abandons her family in some vomit-soaked dump

to gallivant around the world

with her dumb shipping-heir loser boyfriend she's known for three months?

David, it will be four months next month!

Oh, my God!

And he just told me that

he could potentially see himself considering saying "I love you"

at some point sometime soon, so...

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I'm telling Mom.

I'm telling Mom and Dad. Have you told them?

No! No. David, I'm waiting for the right opportunity.

Okay? Otherwise, Dad's gonna cry,

and Mom's gonna do that thing where she pretends that nothing's wrong,

and then just doesn't talk to me for five months, and I don't want that.

Well, I need this bed. I need it. So...

You know what, David?

You get murdered first for once!

No, you get murdered first!

David, you get murdered first!

- No, you! You do! - Yes, you get murdered first!

David, you get murdered first!

I actually think this place is kind of cute.

Did you say cute?

No, Alexis. Martha Stewart's Hampton home is cute.

Where's that weird man?

Where?

He's in the bathroom. He won't leave!

Well, he's been in there for a very long...