The Critic

Hello?

Jay, this is your sister.

Mom just gave me your old room.

Um, do you still want this leif Garrett poster?

It stinks.

Our last film tonight stars Al Pacino

in scent of a jackass.

Whoo-ha. Charlie, you pimply little preppy,

I'm gonna kill myself.

Good.

I mean it, you m.T.V.-Watching momma's boy.

I'm gonna pull the trigger.

Fine, if it'll shut you up.

You're gonna miss my whoo-ha,

my tangoing,

my blind driving,

my whoo-ha.

You said that already.

I say it a lot. Whoo-ha!

Talk about overusing a catch phrase.

Hotchie motchie. It stinks.

Good night.

Doris, I've just finished a screenplay

and I wondered if you'd tell me what you think of it.

All I read is smokers digest.

Did you know that Jesus smoked 3 packs a day?

Please, Doris.

I had to write this

because I needed artistic stimulation.

You know what that's like?

I have some idea.

A work of art.

On the lighter side,

N.Y.U. Scientists have discovered a virus

in the local drinking water

responsible for new yorkers' antisocial behavior.

Hey, I got your cure, right here.

Now, let's go to Chuck smiley, our happy weatherman.

There's a snowstorm headed for Jersey,

and there's a 30 percent chance

i give a rat's butt.

Nobody called about my script.

Maybe a little exercise will take my mind off it.

Jay, I just finished your screenplay.

Really? Oh, what did you think?

Oh, it's wonderful. It really is.

That means so much to me.

You know, I only showed it to my closest friends.

Barney, the butcher.

It had heart.

Jazzman Joe.

It had soul.

Hasidic Harry.

It could have been worse.

I read it in the tub.

I want to get to know the man who wrote it.

Really?

Well, shrimp gives me gas.

That's enough.

Wait, there's more.

Jay, bubbee shayna,

the people who do my reading for me

think this script is great.

All it needs is a few car chases,

a rap song by salt-n-pepa, and a message of some sort.

You know, like, "don't tinkle in the ocean."

Well, I don't know.

Come on, my friend,

we're going to Hollywood.

Does it smell funny in here to you?

Oh, yeah.

Boss, I'd like to go on sabbatical.

You people sure have a lot of holidays.

No. I've written a screenplay,

and I'm taking it to Hollywood.

But since I'm a film critic,

there might be a conflict of interest.

You want to hear conflict of interest?

I own a cigarette company

and a company that sells nicotine patches.

I own a baseball team and I bet against them.

I love America, but for tax purposes,

I'm a citizen of the Dutch antilles.

Gee, thanks for sharing all that with me.

Now that I know all your secrets,

you don't have to kill me, do you?

If I do, you'll never see it coming.

just think.

Down there, between New York and L.A.,

are all the people that go to my movies.

Look, pa! The 925 to Hollywood.

Yep. Those are the folks who fill our lives

with blockbuster movies, moronic situation comedies,

award shows where award shows win awards.

Get my gun, boy.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seatbelts.

We're being shot at by farmers again.

Gary Grossman, head of the studio,

meet Jay sherman.

Jay sherman?

Ooh, one of the most revered film critics in America.

I'd like to wring your pudgy neck.

Your bad reviews have cost my Japanese masters

over one billion yen.

Jay's written a remarkable screenplay.

It's phenomenal!

I'll give you $100,000. Agreed?

Oh, agreed!

Whoever said this studio

is totally lacking in artistic taste?

You did, on your show last week.

How awkward.

Wow, I can't believe you're really going to make my movie.

Jay, we're not making your movie.

What? Why?

It's too good.

We're not making i, claudius here.

Well, we are, but we call it Claudia schiffer's toga party.

What are you doing with my script?

I'm putting it with the others that were also too good.

Look at this: A lesbian love story,

the biography of some clown named Galileo,

revenge of the nerds iv?

What are you doing here, you beautiful thing,

when you could be making me a mint?

Hey, fellas, start shooting!

Way!

My script.

Wait. I just had a brilliant idea.

Jay sherman, you are going to write...

are you ready?

Ghostchasers III.

God, I'm good.

And they said an illiterate ex-gigolo

couldn't run a movie studio.

Ghostchasers III?

Why would I want to write that?

I hated ghostchasers I and ii.

Exactly! I want to use that hate.

You'll be like the kid who told the rich guy

to put on some freaking pants.

You mean the boy in "the emperor's new clothes"?

Exactly. Now, I see macaulay culkin as "the boy."

And the only person who could play the emperor

is John Goodman, unless he looks too beefy.

I mean, this guy smells buffet and "get out of the way."

But, hey, I'm getting ahead of myself.

I don't know, jer', ghostchasers III?

It's just another mindless sequel.

Jay, sequels allow you to be creative.

Why, in crocodile Gandhi: Part ii,

they allowed me to do my kirk Douglas impression.

The past is over.

Now I'm gonna fill your bellies with lead.

Jeremy, I have spent my entire career criticizing hacks.

And now if I do ghostchasers, I'll be joining them.

Instead of criticizing Hollywood,

you can make it better.

Then they'll let you make the kind of movie you want to make.

The kind that wins oscars.

Mmm. Oscars.

And as I accept this Oscar,

there is one issue I cannot remain silent upon.

Independence for quebec.

Vive Jay sherman! Vive quebec!

Vive Jay sherman! Vive quebec!

Vive Jay sherman! Vive quebec.

Vive Jay sherman! Vive quebec!

I just don't know what to do about this movie.

If I only I had some kind of sign.

Mr. sherman, compliments of quality pictures,

a division of scumco.

Hollywood loves me and I love Hollywood!

But be gentle,

I've been burned by so many cities.

Lido, oyster bay,

oh, both Kansas cities.

But, Hollywood, you is my woman, now!

Stewart? Stewart?

You're not on the list.

Now are you... are you...

are you sure about that?

Move it, old man!

Hitchcock, is that you?

Hello. I'm Jay sherman, your new lord and master.

Ow.

Welcome, Mr. sherman. I'm keeley.