Cavendish

Hm. Hey man. I found a hornet's nest in the backyard.

I was gonna go swing a stick at it and then run for my life.

- You wanna join? - Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Normal answer. What you got here?

It's a letter from a literary magazine I submitted to.

- Good news? - I haven't opened it yet.

- What are you waiting for? - I'm just a little nervous, 'cause...

- Give me this! - Oh! Mark, Mark, Mark... Mark!

- I am going to read it. That's what I'm here for! - Yeah, but what if it's bad?

- What if it's bad? What if it's good? Hm? - Yeah.

For all you know, Andrew, they gave you the centerfold of the damn thing.

- Literary magazines don't have centerfolds. - They don't? They should.

Here we go. "Dear Mr. Tennesen."

- That's a good start! That's a good start. - Not bad, not bad.

"We are writing regarding your short story, A Tall Drink Of Winter...

"We feel, given your numerous past submissions,

a detailed response is only fitting."

How many times have you submitted to these guys?

- Thirty. Keep going. - Alright. "You have achieved something very rare

"with your latest story in that it manages to be both

technically inept and artistically worthless."

- Yeah, alright! - Alright, let's just...

"That you achieve both with your weak chinned prose...

- is no small feat of ineptitude." - Mark, can you just...

- Just give it to me! - "Weak chinned prose." Hold on! There's way more!

Thank you for saving my son, Travel Dog.

- And good luck to ye... - What is this?

Is this The Littlest Hobo?

Travel Dog. It's like The Littlest Hobo

except the dog in this one isn't neutered.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I see that now.

He is really going to town, there.

Great. Yikes. Okay, Andy,

come on, pal. Let's go outside. Let's go have some fun.

- What is "fun"? - Alright. Look at me.

Look at me! Hey! Up here!

There is a little saying I like to quote when I get knocked down

and it goes like this: "I get knocked down,

"but... I get up again

'cause you are never gonna keep me down."

You know who said that, Andy?

- Chumbawamba? - Chumbawamba.

In their 1997 opus, Tubthumping.

A song about a young, presumably

Irish lad named "Dany Boy", who always got up

after he'd been knocked down.

Now that's what we're gonna do, Andy. So let's get on our feet!

- Let's get up again! Come on! - No.

Respect my boundaries, Mark!

Respect your brother's boundaries, Marky.

- Fine... - Is everything okay?

Yeah. Andy's just being a mopey piece of crap

because his stupid short story got rejected by some magazine.

Oh! Well, there are two ways of dealing with rejection.

You can either sit and mope about it all day 'til your soul

shrivels inside you like an old dead shrub,

or... or you can kill yourself!

That's it? Those are my two options?

I always think a support system is very important.

I mean that's what I get from my coven.

- I think we should get these goodies back. - Ruth, before you leave,

I heard the word coven. What about some elaboration on that if possible?

It's nothing too exciting. It's just a 200-year-old

pagan society that gets together in their various moon phases

to spend quality time together.

- Bryn's a part of it. - I blow the horn.

Yeah. The summoning horn.

Actually, tonight is her monthly esbat.

That's witch speak for meeting.

You're more than welcome to join us. Might make you feel better.

Oh. Thank you, Ruth, but I think I'm just gonna

- stay and watch... - Now, that, that sounds wonderful, Ruth.

- We will absolutely be there. - That's the spirit, boys!

Ah! Look! Travel Dog!

I used to love this! Did you know

this holds the record for the most dog pregnancies

- ever on set? - Oh! That is fun!

- Bad dog! Bad! - This is great.

Man, this town is light on appropriate witch wear.

What about this? This is too sexy, right?

You are not gonna fit in that. Looks like an IUD.

- I'll make it work. - Why are we doing this?

- Doing what? - Hanging out with a bunch

of middle-aged women pretending to be witches?

Are you kidding me, Andy? This is gonna be awesome!

How often do you get invited to be part of a coven?

Oh man, we get to slit our palms into a goblet

and make a wish for what we truly want to Manon!

What would you wish for, Andy, from Manon?

- Who's Manon? - Who's Manon!

Manon is the force that controls all things

in at least one teen witch movie.

We have to be careful, because he will take your peer group

and split it apart faster then you can... Yo!

Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Shut up for a second.

- You were talking. - The hell is that?

Woah!

Oh! Where the hell did this place come from?

Some say it appeared out of nowhere one night.

Others say that we obtained all the necessary permits

and opened 2 weeks after some quick renos.

It used to be a Marvellous Muffins. How may I help you?

Well, we were recently invited to join a coven

and we were hoping to get something to wear for our first "esbat".

Oh... May I interest you in robes?

- Oh, hell yeah! Now we're talking! - We have many options.

Full floor length for the traditional witch.

Knee length for the naughty witch. And sheer

for the witch who's looking to turn up and horn down.

I think traditional sounds good, unless... Andy?

Are you looking to turn up and horn down?

- Traditional's fine. - Traditional then.

- Would you like them wrapped? - No, that's okay. We'll just wear them on outta here.

I do have a question about this curtain behind you. Seems to be housing

something rather fun. Any chance I could snag a peek back there?

The things contained in that room are not for the casual consumers.

Therein lies a darkness you could not possibly understand,

you who appear to have known no true suffering.

Oh yeah. You know what? That is true.

You, on the other hand,

you are more than ready to see what lies therein.

It's clear you've suffered much during your...

I'm gonna say 45 years on this Earth.

I'm 34! And I don't wanna see what's in your stupid room.

- Suit yourself. - But take them off!

Were you boys looking to pay cash...

...or credit?

I knew we shouldn't have worn these.

- No one else is dressed up. - We look good, man!

You look good, I look amazing!

- You look like a porno wizard. - Yeah. Like I said,

I look amazing. Anyway, don't worry.

This is all just preamble. Things are gonna get real weird

- before long. - Okay,

everybody! Thanks for coming to the esbat!

Let's get this thing formally started. Bryn, sweetie,

want to skronk your horn?

Terrific. Bring forth the quilt!

Hey! What's gonna happen with this guy later?

Are we gonna sacrifice him or sacrifice something to him?

Oh no. Monty is my emotional support snake.

Having him nearby helps me with my anxiety.

Okay.

That... That sucks.

A little bit of housekeeping. It's solstice this weekend.

So we will be adding a new panel.

Also it's a potluck so this time, let's coordinate so we don't all bring deserts again.

Thank you, ladies. Thank you.

Now, it's my favourite part of the night.

I'd like to introduce one of the newest members of our group,

Andy Tennesen, to come up and open our sharing circle

with a few words about what it was that brought him

here, tonight. Andy!

- I'm okay. Thanks. I'm alright. - I'll speak, Ruth,

if you want me to say some kinda dark weird stuff.

Oh no! I'd like to hear Andy.

Come on, Andy. Give it a chance. Might make you feel better.

- Attaboy. - Alright.

I'm not usually...

one to talk about myself but I guess I'll give it a try.

Ooh! It's been a rough day. Um...

Actually, it's been a rough couple of years.

I'm trying to be a writer;

But it seems like with every new rejection,

it's more and more of a pipe dream.

I had so much to say. I just feel like

the world doesn't wanna listen sometimes.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - It's alright.

- I'm sorry. - It's alright. Just let it out!

- I'm sorry... - Let it out!

Oh, God, this feels so good. Oh, my God...

How is this for a new vibe?

You guys into this?

Cut our hands open for Manon, hey?

Manon!

- What you got there? - Oh!

Just making a little list of... Well, have a seat. Have a seat.

- I wanna run some stuff by you. - Okay.

So last night, huh! Oof!

- What do you mean? - Just the whole vibe, you know.

Hanging out, hugging, eating cheese. Am I the only one who searched witchcraft? Hello?

So I compiled a bit of a list of things

that I was going to propose at the next meeting,

just to see if we could all move towards a more "coveney" direction

in the future, so... number 1, and this one seems obvious: More spells.

- Any spells, really. - Yeah...

Number 2, movie night. Blair Witch, Witches of Eastwick...

If it's got witch in the title, it's probably gonna take us in the right direction.

- Number 3... - I don't know, Mark.

They've been running this whole thing for 200 years.

- Everyone seems happy. - Yes, but is the point

of a coven to be happy? That's sort of a bigger picture question. Where are you headed?

Oh, I'm actually headed to hang out with some of the people from the coven.

Oh! Great! We can talk about these things there.

Oh! Ah...

They specifically asked for me not to bring you.

You kind of gave off a bit of a weird vibe last night.

- What? - Well,

you asked to sacrifice Deb's snake. That's her pet.

It's a snake in a coven, Andy. I mean, come on!