King of the Hill

We are now finished with the American history portion of our class.

So today we begin our unit on Texas history.

Yes. Texas history.

I can't wait to tell my dad.

There'll be steaks for dinner tonight.

My book is broken.

-Well, listen more carefully. -(clangs)

-Tah-dah. -(gasps)

New textbooks?

They're so... they're so beautiful.

Now, don't let the science teachers hear about this.

Their Bunsen burners have been hooked up to nothing for years.

I've never even seen a new textbook.

Now I get to decide who gets mustaches and who gets devil horns.

Okay, now, remember, these represent Texas and a lot of money.

So keep your naked ladies and your words to rock songs out of the margins.

You doodle in these books and I am gonna "doodle" you an F.

Now, that's what I call a clean pair of glasses.

What are you looking for, Bobby?

A cover for my new textbook.

Fire up the grill, Dad. We just started Texas history.

Texas history?

Son, today you are officially a Texan.

Congratulations.

Bobby, you can't cover a book that important with aluminum foil.

You need to use a paper bag.

Okay.

This one's pretty.

No.

I've got a brown paper bag in the garage.

And your mother only went here to buy athletic socks.

They make a very good athletic sock.

I'm sorry. I can't go walking, Shug.

I have to answer this mail that came to the station.

Well, that's okay. I'm on that all-you-can-eat bacon diet.

And my time would probably be better spent eating more bacon.

Listen to this.

"Because of your inaccurate forecast, my wedding was ruined, you ass."

Oh, my God. Look at that picture. She is dripping wet.

This, Shug, is the ugly side of meteorology.

It isn't all free makeup samples

and riding in a convertible in the Arlen day parade.

What the hell is this?

Some kind of voodoo doll?

My nose is not that big.

That is Flat Stanley.

Teachers have their students send them out to faraway places.

Then you take pictures of him,

send it back, and the kids learn about geography.

What do these people want from me?

I am not God.

Although I am not teaching at school this week,

the world is my classroom, Nancy.

I'll take care of Flat Stanley.

Now, I'll start with a photo at Lake Arlen.

Is it gonna rain today?

Why am I asking you?

Well, Bobby sure is lucky.

He's got 30 more years of Texas history to learn than we did.

I defy anyone to sit through that class

without becoming a man of courage and conviction.

I truly believe that if I hadn't taken Texas history,

I'd be dead by my own hand.

Dad, you got to help me.

My first Texas history test is tomorrow and I left my textbook at school.

Can't use Joseph's.

Don't worry. I still have my old textbook. You can study from that.

Didn't they make you turn it in?

The student with the highest grade got to keep their textbook.

Back then, they knew how to motivate a teenager.

Thanks, Dad.

I don't want to fail and end up in summer school.

There's no air conditioning and half the kids are pregnant.

Well, no son of mine is gonna flunk Texas history.

Now, what does the test cover?

Texas, 1830 to 1840.

That's the Texas revolution.

If you were only gonna learn one piece of Texas history, that'd be the one.

New Year's Day, 1830.

"The smell of fresh chopped cottonwood wafted across the plains."

This isn't in the book. I just wanted to set the mood.

Now, this is the perfect place to take a picture of Flat Stanley.

More frozen poultry passes through this loading dock

than any other in Heimlich County.

It is like the Ellis Island for dead chickens.

Aunt Peggy, I have a Flat Stanley question.

Why is he flat?

Exactly, Luanne.

And if you're asking that,

how many other eight-year-olds who sent a Stanley ask the same thing?

Why is Flat Stanley flat?

Because he wasn't careful and got tragically and painfully flattened.

Flat Stanley can do more than just teach geography, he can save lives.

Put him under that semi.

I will call this one "look both ways before dying."

Dad...

I failed.

-Failed what? -My Texas history test.

It looks like I'm on my way to summer school.

But how? We went over everything.

-Didn't you listen? -Yes.

Stephen F. Austin, imprisoned 1833.

Battle of Gonzales, 1835.

But none of that stuff was on the test.

"The planting of the first poinsettias?"

Is that your new book? Let me see it.

"The introduction of the accordion?" A whole chapter on Selena?

Where are the chapters about the Alamo?

Oh, here we go.

"The Alamo was a mission in present day San Antonio,

population 1.5 million."

That's it?

Maybe the Alamo just isn't that important.

It is the most inspiring event in all of Texas history.

Heroes giving their lives so that Texas could be free.

There's got to be more in here.

Wait. Wait. I think I saw something else about it.

Oh. That's the first taco bell.

How can you call a book Texas history when there's barely any history in it?

You familiar with a little thing called the serenity prayer, Hank?

Because this is one of those things I can't change.

But where's the Texas history we grew up with, Carl?

You wore a coonskin cap from the eighth through the eleventh grade.

Davy Crockett isn't even mentioned in here.

Sorry, Hank. But you're gonna have to take your complaint

to the school board.

Hey, and while you're there,

could you ask them why it's taking so long to get some chalk?

But don't say I told you to ask.

Now, firearm safety

is one of the most important issues facing our children today.

Wouldn't it be easier to just have the children not shoot guns?

Snap out of your dream world, Luanne.

Fire!

Aunt Peggy, no.

How many times does he have to get shot?

-Until he learns his lesson. -(shutter clicks)

Mr. Hill, there are several factors

we have to consider when ordering textbooks.

They have to be relevant to today's kids and hold their attention.

We're competing against MTV, you know.

No, you're not.

The fact is some things just have to go.

Our lawyers are very concerned about the weight of books.

Do you know how long it takes for a 60-pound kid

with a 20-pound backpack to destroy his back?

Two point five years.

We actually use that question in the new math books.

But the Texas revolution?

How could you not include that?

It was making a lot of people uncomfortable.

-Who? -Lawyers mostly.

But these kids are Texans. They need to feel like Texans.

Yeah.

These kids aren't learning anything.

Well...

...you got Tuttle's vote.

Maybe the two of you can build some kind of coalition and come back

when we order our next new textbooks in, uh, 2032.

-(gavel bangs) -(tranquil music sting)

Bruce Tuttle.

I was here trying to get some seed money

for an educational film of the life and times of LBJ.

They wouldn't spring for it.

LBJ would make a great movie.

And in this textbook, all they've got is one picture of him

lifting his dog by the ears.

And that was for a unit on active seniors.

Fighting those idiots has got me starving.

You hungry?

I could eat.

There's more Texas history on this placemat

than in all of my son Bobby's textbook.

You know, down near San Antonio

they do a re-enactment of the battle of Goliad every week.

It stinks.

But at least they got their shot.

Hey, if they can do that, why can't we put on a re-enactment of the Alamo?

That'd be a great way to teach the kids.

Sure. But there's no way the school board would pay for it.

Well, maybe they won't have to.

I'll bet Buck Strickland would foot the bill.

He was talking about sponsoring a soccer team

but this is a much better use of the money.

Is it okay if I write and direct it?

I write the flyer for the Feed Store and always wanted to branch out.

I read that flyer.

-That's a good flyer. -Thanks.

That's my baby.

They don't pay me but still it's a credit.

But this re-enactment,

it could really be something that makes people sit up and take notice.

Let's do it.

Hey, this calls for a celebration.

What kind of pie says "heroism?"

Strawberry.

Of course.

Oh, stupid Texas history.