Rules of Engagement

What are you doing?

I like to fill up each little waffle hole with syrup.

Really?

This is gonna be happening for the rest of our lives?

How do you do it?

You missed three holes.

Hey, guys! Two coffees to go, please.

Adam, I'm heading downtown to a sports apparel warehouse.

A buddy of mine works there and hooks me up with freebies,

you got any request?

- I could use a new hooded sweat-shirt. - You got it.

- Might be slightly irregular. - Slightly.

The last tee-shirt you got from that guy gave you a rash.

We don't know it was the tee-shirt, I was in several hot tubs that week.

Hey, what's up, con?

Whatever it is that makes you feel safe enough to call me names like that...

shouldn't.

Hey, nice outfit, 9-to-5!

You're certainly dressed to make 70% of what a man your position would make.

You should know, you're 70% of a man.

Well, that backfired nicely, all right.

Scooch.

Question, you guys.

Do you think I'm... pale?

You're almost clear.

Why do you ask?

Well, because there's a school

near the newsstand where you usually buy the Times.

We read the Post.

Can I just tell the story?

Anyway, there's a new teacher looking over recess,

and as you know from my MySpace page, I have a thing for teachers.

You have a thing for all women.

Not all.

Okay, all.

Today, we make a little eye-contact, she gives me the smile.

And... I walk over to break-ah the ice-ah,

and some, you know, jerk

starts insulting me out of nowhere, it threw off my game.

Okay, who was it? Another teacher?

No, I don't think it was a teacher.

The principal, the custodian?

No, it was a... It was a punk.

A punk? What do you mean, one of the children?

Was he bigger than you?

What? It's a valid question.

Look, I'll give you he was small-er-ish.

But quite mean.

Called me things like...

Milk-face.

Albino boy.

Casper.

Said the pigment factory called, and my application was denied.

Pigment factory, that's a good one.

He could've also said, "Look, it's a little powdered doughnut hole."

That was a sweet pep-talk, thank you.

I feel so much... the same.

Episode 106: Hard Day's Night Version 1.0

- Hey Jeff. - Hey, Adam here?

No, he's helping Russell deal with the bully.

My money's on the bully.

Nice sweat suit. You look like you should be

hanging outside the meat store with Paulie and Silvio.

Thanks. Here's Adam's sweatshirt.

No face-hole in the hood.

Other than that, it's perfect.

While I have you, would you help me put the couch back on the rug?

Yes, sure. I'd help.

What happened?

Nothing, just a little...

twitch in my shoulder.

I'm so sorry.

Let me massage you, see if I can loosen it up.

I'm not a big people-touching-me guy.

I studied massage, I know what I'm doing.

Still...

touching.

- Come on, I insist. - All right, sure.

Give it a shot.

Oh, here's the problem.

There's a knot in your trapezius that's putting pressure on a nerve.

I think it's loosening up there.

Yeah, the knot's disappearing.

So is the tension. If you ever get tired with...

graphic design, you could do this for a living.

I did work for a physical therapy clinic for a summer after college.

The rug looks great.

Yeah, I gotta go.

I hope you feel better.

Thanks for coming, I appreciate the support.

No problem.

I don't know what Jen's talking about. You're bigger than all these kids.

Again, thanks for the support.

There she is.

Never had a teacher who looked like that.

Yeah, me neither. With any luck, I'm about to.

Coast is clear, let's go.

If it isn't Snow White, back for more.

Snow White... That's him?

He's adorable.

What's your name, little guy?

Who are you, his girlfriend?

Very funny, yeah, I'm his girlfriend.

You're pretty enough. What do you use in your hair, 2 gallons of mousse?

Dime-size dollop of gel, the recommended amount.

What, you keep it in your purse?

With the rest of your make-up and lotion?

Ka-zing!

I don't have a purse or make-up.

And I only use lotion because I have combination skin.

Yeah, a combination of girl and sissy.

Burn, sizzle.

I saw that one coming.

It's a great diversion! I'm gonna talk to the teacher.

Check out how long his eyelashes are.

Do you use mascara?

Your lashes are thick and pretty like a girl.

Are not!

Yeah, that's what you are, the Maybellin girl.

- You okay? - With what?

You're holding your neck.

It's nothing, just a twitch.

How did it happen?

Out of nowhere. Caused by nothing.

I know what you're up to.

- You do? - Oh, yes, I do.

You're trying to get me to rub your neck.

'Cause every time I do, somehow it leads to sex.

You figured that one out.

Yeah, it wasn't exactly the Da Vinci code.

It's all right, I don't mind.

It's our little dance.

Let's skip the prom and go straight to the back of the limo, come on.

Wait, hold on. I...

I can't.

Why not?

I...

feel dirty.

Yeah, me too.

I just-- I need to take a shower.

Me too, come on.

I can't.

- You're playing hard to get? - Really, no.

- Audrey, I said no! - I'll be gentle.

Listen, it's just that no means no.

- You're... using the elevator? - Taking the stairs.

Jeff, what--

- He's acting so weirdly! - I left the stove on fire!

Who is it?

It's Audrey, the person whose face you just slam the door on.

Sorry, I didn't see you behind me.

Yeah, I was yelling, "Hey, Jen."

What the hell is going on?

Jeff is acting super weird, you are acting weird.

What's going on?

So...

Jeff didn't tell you about the thing?

No, he didn't, why don't you?

This is funny, you're gonna laugh.

I like to laugh.

Earlier Jeff helped me lift the couch back onto the rug.

It's the rug I got at ABC Carpet, remember?

You chose it with me because we're friends,

have been for 3 years, rich history together!

Not laughing yet.

Jeff hurt his neck, I massaged him, he felt much better.

So?

Well, he felt so much better he gave me a standing ovation.

Without standing up.

What?

I used to do therapeutic massages and this happened all the time.

I don't think it's a good time for you to brag about how goo you are.

No, it's a physiological response, completely innocent and accidental.

I was hoping Jeff would tell you and it'd be all worked out

and I wouldn't have to be involved.

You're involved.

You got involved the second you started rubbing my husband!

Only because his neck hurt.

You don't think I was really trying to make a move on him, do you?

No, I don't. I'm just...

mad! Why didn't he just tell me?

He probably didn't know how to bring it up.

Guess he needs your help for that.

Sorry, I'm still kind of mad.

Look, I'm sure he's just embarrassed.

He's probably trying to figure out how to tell you right now.