Hitch

Basic principles:

No woman wakes up saying:

”God, / hope / don’t get swept off my feet today. ”

Now, she might say, ”This /'s a really bad time for me. ”

Or something like, ”/ just need some space. ”

Or my personal favourite:

”/’m really into my career right now. ”

You believe that? Neither does she.

You know why? Because she's lying to you, that's why.

You understand me? Lying.

It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space.

She may be into her career...

but what she's really saying is, "Get away from me now."

Or possibly, "Try harder, stupid."

Well, which one is it?

60% of all human communication is nonverbal.

Body language.

30% is your tone.

So that means that 90% of what you’re saying...

ain't coming out of your mouth.

Toby!

Shit!

Of course she'll lie to you.

She's a nice person, she doesn't wanna hurt your feelings.

What else is she gonna say? She doesn't even know you.

Yet.

Luckily, the fact is thatjust like the rest of us...

even a beautiful woman doesn’t know what she wants until she sees it.

And that’s where l come in.

My job is to open her eyes.

Oh, my God!

Is this what you're looking for?

Basic principles: No matter what, no matter when, no matter who...

any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet.

Just needs the right broom.

You cannot use what you do not have.

So if you're shy, be shy. If you're outgoing, be outgoing.

-l'm not outgoing. -That's okay.

She may not want the whole truth, but she does want the real you.

She may not want to see it all at once, but she does want to see it.

So tonight, when you're wondering what to say...

how you look, or if she likes you...

just remember, she is already out with you.

That means she said yes when she could have said no.

That means she made a plan when she could have just blown you off.

So that means it is no longer your job to try to make her like you.

It is your job not to mess it up.

The shoes are hot. You went to the place I told you?

Yeah, but I don't think they're really me.

"You" is a very fluid concept right now.

You bought the shoes. You look great in the shoes.

That's the you I'm talking about.

The key tonight is hang back.

Give her plenty of space.

if she lingers at a photograph, move on.

But maintain the visual.

lt’s supposed to be 64 and clear tonight.

So when you leave the club, walk a little.

Ask her what she thought about the show...

what was her favourite photograph, why that one.

And when she answers, don't be looking at her mouth.

Don’t be wondering what she looks like naked.

Listen to what she is saying and respond.

Listen and respond.

That way, when it’s your turn to talk...

you’ll have something better to say than, ”l like your mouth. ”

What was your favourite one?

The elephant, definitely.

And all of a sudden, we’re on date number two.

Ready.

No way.

We're going back in there. You have to smile.

In case you didn't go to high school, hitting is a good thing.

So how does it happen, great love?

Are you okay?

-Nobody knows. -l'm good.

Let me get a Bomb Pop and a Screwball for the lady.

But what l can tell you, is that it happens in the blink of an eye.

One moment, you’re enjoying your life.

And the next, you’re wondering how you ever lived without them.

Three dates is all l need.

Three dates, and I'll get you here, to the high-stakes medal round...

where eight out of 70 women believe that the first kiss...

will tell them everything they need to know about the relationship.

After that, you’re on your own.

But always remember...

life is not the amount of breaths you take.

lt’s the moments that take your breath away.

Did I call it or did I call it?

I mean, what did I say, six months?

And when was her first date?

So five-and-a-half? God, I hate it when I'm right.

What is it about guys that makes them want to screw anything that walks...

even when they're going outwith someone as awesome as Allegra Cole?

She's only the most fabulous thing walking around New York.

Thanks, Young.

Are you kidding? Of course I'm gonna run it.

Why should she waste her heart on some Swedish aristo-brat?

Even if he is gorgeous.

If he's stupid enough to cheat...

the world should know he's dumb enough to get caught.

Exactly. I'm in the elevator. See you in a minute.

Good morning, how are you?

Bitter, party of one.

You should try it sometime.

Barbados by myself? I wouldn't last five minutes.

It was just what the doctor ordered.

I slept in, I did my yoga, | read a couple of books...

flirted with my scuba instructor.

-And apparently never left the office. -I know, isn't that great?

You should've taken someone with you.

Who am I gonna take with me?

This is where a boyfriend comes in handy.

-I don't have time for a boyfriend. -You said that two years ago.

Yes, and it's as true today as it was then.

I thought you were on vacation.

See if these are in focus and have them in my desk in an hour.

Besides, relationships are for people...

waiting for something better to come along.

Spoken like a true cynic.

I'm not a cynic. I'm a realist.

You are a realist masquerading as a cynic who is secretly an optimist.

What are you doing here? What is she doing here?

She works here, remember?

No, she doesn't. Not for another four days.

-This couldn't wait. -It could.

What are you doing? Go back to the beach.

-I don't want you here. -No, really, you do.

You are becoming a sick, workaholic lunatic...

and this is exactly...

the kind of nervous, overwrought behaviour that leads to--

Pictures of Sebby with a busty brunette.

A very big raise.

Jesus. You could find dirt in a snowstorm.

Comes with the job.

You know, kiddo, there is more to life than watching other people live it.

Can I help he was cheating on my beach?

I think it's great that you're so good at your job.

I'm just a little worried as to why.

Let me worry about that.

Okay. I want that column on my desk bylunch.

So you'll pay for my hotel?

For you to sip mai tais? I don't think so. Get out.

-Come on. -What?

-That's good, right? -No.

No, it was in and it freaked out.

You know what your problem is, Hitch? You're all about the short game.

You pick your shots based on what you see first...

not what's necessarily best for you...

in the long run.

All of us are not married to the woman of our dreams...

and about to have a baby.

You know, I'm very happy for you. Just not meant for everybody.

So please just leave me to my hot, sweaty...

totally varied, wildly experimental short game.

-l was talking about pool, but whatever. -Yeah, okay.

Honestly, I just hope one day you're able to experience...

the unconditional love, trust, and openness...

that | share with Grace every single day.

-|s this really barroom talk? -You need to listen to me. I'm serious.

Because when you get to a place with a woman like that...

it's so beyond anything physical that...

when I think back to when | used to run around with you...

and chase all these really gorgeous but shallow women...

I don't know, it's kind of ridiculous and vaguely pathetic.

Yeah, I see what you mean. That's pathetic.

So, how'd you meet him?

l was in La Perla just buying some weekend thongs.

-And he was doing likewise? -No.

Actually, he said he was buying something for his mom.

His mom?

Casey, who buys high-priced lingerie for their mother?

Well, maybe he was looking for a robe.

Casey, he was hitting on you while he was buying lingerie for another woman.

-I prefer the mother story. -I know you do, but that's not the point.

No, the point is I'm not gonna start out assuming the guy's a liar.

-Why not? -Because that's how you wind up...

Like me? Is that what you were gonna say?

No. l was gonna say, "Like you."

-What's his name? -Why?

-|'m gonna Google him. -No. Google your own guy.

Let's just see if his mother's still alive.

-So when is Grace due again? -Soon.

-You excited? -What'd you say?

Do you want me to go get them and bring them over here?

No, don't do that.

Are you saying you don't wanna talk to them...

because you can't go home with them?

I'm just trying to keep my head above water.

-Have you heard of the Date Doctor? -Urban myth.

-Real|y? -Absolutely.

l was hoping he also helped women.

Casey, you're not sick. You're single.

You just have to relax and enjoy the ride.

I haven't been ridden in months.

On that happy note, I'm gonna go see if anybody interesting came in tonight.

-You mean, besides me. -Right.

Bye.

I'll go get those girls, bring them over here...

and we'll have a conversation like human beings.