Dirty Grandpa

So I said, "If opposing counsel's

"invoking fiduciary liability precedent

"under the terms of Landgraf v. Henson,

"Your Honor, please, by all means, go ahead,

rescind the plaintiff's de facto petition for injunctive relief."

- It was fun. It was fun. - Yeah.

Excuse me, gentlemen. I'll be right back.

So funny. "Injunctive relief." That tickled my funny bone.

- What's up, Nick? -

Fucking sucks dick about Grandma, huh?

Yeah.

Old woman fucking murdered like that.

- Nick, she had cancer. - We'll never know the truth.

- We absolutely know the truth. - Yeah.

Grandma had cancer for 10 years.

You don't just die from cancer, Jason!

- Calm down... - See you at the crossroads, Grandma.

What are you doing? Are you kidding me? Right now?

Hey, get your shit together!

My clad and my fiancée are literally standing right next to us.

- Beyoncé's here? - No.

- - What is that?

Hmm?

- What are you doing? - I'm just...

- Are you fucking high right now? - No, this isn't...

- You're high as a kite! - It's an e-cigarette.

It's filled with a little weed, but it's an e-cigarette.

Grow up, man! What are you doing?

"Grow up"? How adult are you?

What, do you listen to NPR in your Volvo?

You play racquetball competitively against business associates?

- No. No. - You ever go away to a rented house

with other couples and then play Scattergories

- over a bottle of white wine? - Jason.

- Uh... -

I just blew a shot at your grandma's memory.

Poor Grandpa...

Our first reading is from Deuteronomy 30:19.

"This day I call the heavens and the earth

as a witness against you..."

"...that I have set before you life and death..."

Hey, babe, I found the tie you're going to wear

to the rehearsal brunch Sunday.

Do you like the coral color or the salmon?

"...that the race is not to the swift..."

Either one.

"...nor the battle to the strong."

Babe, what's wrong?

Coral or salmon?

- Well, what do you like? - I mean... I like the coral.

That's what I was going to say, too.

- Okay, cool. Okay. - Okay.

Coral it is!

It's going to be a special day.

"...now choose life,

so that you and your children shall live."

Anyway, I'm down in Valdosta right now.

I opened up a fucking pet shop...

- Not pet shop, "puppy mu“. - Puppy mill...

You know, designer dogs get a bad name,

but they can go for quite a pretty penny.

- Really? - It's just hard to get them to mate.

- Oh. - Because the little dogs,

they don't wanna fuck the big dogs,

and the big dogs, they don't wanna fuck the little dogs...

So I gotta manually do it, you know.

I gotta spread and manually shoot in.

- Uh-huh. - So, what's up with you?

- Well, I'm keeping pretty busy... - Cool.

- Hey, Diane, how's it going? - Hi, Nick.

- Hey, Nick. - I just don't understand why you have

to drive down to Florida tomorrow already, Dad!

We just had the funeral.

Your grandmother and I were there at this time every year.

It's what she would have wanted.

I'd drive down myself, except they took my license away.

But why does Jason have to be the one to drive you?

He's so busy at work...

Got the wedding coming up next weekend, the rehearsal brunch.

You know, the entire law firm is coming to this.

- It's true, Grandpa. - Jason...

We have a lot of stuff, Meredith and I...

I'll handle it.

Go ahead.

How about Cousin Nick? Huh, Dad?

Why doesn't Nick do it?

We got this chocolate lab down at the store that is just so horny,

every time I touch the back of its ear, it just gushes cum.

- Uh, okay. - I mean, like a squirting...

ls that your dog?

Nick isn't legally allowed to leave the state of Georgia anymore.

I've barely seen this guy since high school.

What's wrong with spending some time with him?

Oh, so spending time with family is suddenly important to you now?

Look, he can come here tomorrow morning for breakfast.

We can drive down to Boca during the day,

maybe play a round of golf or two,

then he'd be back here in Atlanta the next day.

He can't just flake off for two days!

The risk versus reward here is just... I don't see it happening.

It's what she would have wanted, that's all.

But if you have to get ready for your wedding, if you're that busy...

I just don't understand why he wants you to take him.

You're not even that close.

Well, we used to be.

Grandpa and I got along growing up.

We used to build these model trains every Christmas, so I brought him...

Well, it seems like we're cutting it a little close here, you know,

- with the rehearsal brunch on Friday... - I know. I know.

And by the way, I can't find any of the Martha's Vineyard vacation photos

for the slide show. I'm just freaking out.

That's because they're on my laptop, which I've got right here.

So I'll send them to the wedding planner.

You don't have to worry about anything.

Thanks. And your dad says take 75, because 16 takes forever.

Yeah, I know. He's got it all mapped out for me.

And can you take my car, sweetie?

Uh, I need the SUV for the wine.

Grandpa?

Grandpa?

Grandpa?

- Hey! You made it! -

- Give me a minute... -

Oh, God! Shit!

Grab my ass!

- You ready to hit the road? - I'm really sorry, Grandpa.

I didn't think you'd be doing that.

Ah, so you caught me taking a number three.

- Big deal, right? - Number three?

Have a drink.

Uh... No. I'm driving, so...

I just got to finish up my exercises, and then we'll hop on 16 to 95.

Dad says we should take 75 to 95. It's more direct.

Dad's full of shit.

Grandpa, are you sure you're okay?

Thanks for doing this, by the way.

Those fuckheads down at the DMV took my goddamn license away

because of these fucking cataracts in my eye.

But I can still hit the shit out of a golf ball, that's for sure!

I made a tee time for us in Florida for this afternoon.

You can use your grandmother's lady clubs,

they're right there by the front door.

ORGY -

All right, you ready?

I thought the plan was to have breakfast here?

That's your breakfast. Now let's go get in that giant labia you drove up in

and get the fuck out of here.

You sure I should be driving with this, Grandpa?

Don't worry, if you spill it,

this giant tampon we're driving in should soak it up.

Just finishing a work email

for the Steinhart file...

So you're a lawyer at your dad's firm now, is that right?

That's right, and Meredith is too.

You know, her dad is one of the managing partners there, so...

- I know, that's... - Yeah.

It couldn't have worked out better.

Because it's just that I remember when you were in high school,

you told me how much you wanted to be a photographer, travel the world.

That sort of thing.

You remember when I got you that subscription to Time magazine?

Yeah, I used to be into photography, but, um...

I mean, with Dad being at the firm, pfft,

it just made so much more sense to focus on a college curriculum

that stressed the law school track.

I mean, I love what I do, Grandpa.

Being a corporate lawyer is awesome, I get to handle SEC compliance...

- No shit! - Yeah. Yeah.

You handle SEC compliance?

- LP agreements. - Oh, man, I didn't know that.

- LLC agreements. - You're shitting me!

Being a corporate lawyer, it's got its upsides.

- You know what I'd rather do? - What?

I'd rather let Queen Latifah shit in my mouth

from a fucking hot air balloon.

That's me. I'm gonna hit the liquor store over there,

get some more of the creature. Meet you back at the Dildomobile in five.

You're paying the check, Alan Douche-owitz.

Where do I know that guy from? He looks so familiar.

He looks like Abercrombie fucked Fitch.

Mmm, yeah, while J.Crew J'd-off.

Shit! No, you guys, he was... It's so funny.

He was my lab partner in photography class, freshman year.

No shit! He's a Florida alum?

Lenore, you can totally finish the trifecta.

Oh, my God, I already have alum, remember?

I fucked that crying divorced guy, Tony.

- With the big balls. - Right. Yeah.

- In the porta-potty. - Yeah.

- At the tailgate. - Yeah.

I need a professor.

Wait, I'm sorry. What's the trifecta again?

It's this thing I read about

where in my senior year I have to fuck a freshman,

an alumni, and a professor.

- Where did you read that? - In my diary.

Hmm.

- Where I wrote it... - Yeah.

He used to take the most beautiful portraits

without using any filters or Photoshop...