Napoleon Dynamite

What are you gonna do today, Napoleon?

Whatever I feel like I want to do. Gosh!

Your current event, Napoleon.

Last week, Japanese scientists "explaced"-

placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness...

to blow Nessie out of the water.

Sir Curt Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance...

summoned the help of Scotland's local wizards...

to cast a protective spell over the lake and its local residents...

and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Hey, Napoleon, what'd you do all last summer again?

I told you. I spent it with my uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines.

- Did you shoot any? - Yes, like 50 of 'em.

They kept tryin' to attack my cousins. What the heck would you do in a situation like that?

- What kind of gun did you use? - A frickin' 12-gauge. What do you think?

You think you're funny? You just watch your step.

But I didn't-

Hey, could I use your guys's phone for a sec?

- Is there anything wrong? - I don't feel very good.

- Hi. - Is Grandma there?

No, she's getting her hair done.

What do you need? Can you just go get her for me?

- I'm really busy right now. - Well, just tell her to come get me.

Why? 'Cause I don't feel good.

Well, have you talked to the school nurse? No, she doesn't know anything.

- Will you just come get me? - No.

Well, will you do me a favor then?

What? Can you bring me my ChapStick?

No, Napoleon. But my lips hurt real bad.

Just borrow some from the school nurse. I know she has, like, five sticks in her drawer.

I'm not gonna use hers, you sicko.

See ya.

Idiot!

David Dempke, please come to the office.

David Dempke, please come to the office.

David Dempke. You do understand English?

This isn't that complex. Look, the cafeteria's down the hall,

to the right and downstairs.

Hey, is that a new kid or something?

Napoleon, this is Pedro.

Would you mind showing him where his locker is?

Sure. Come on.

You know, there's, like, a buttload of gangs at this school.

This one gang kept wanting me to join 'cause I'm pretty good with a bow staff.

Do you ride the bus to school?

No. I ride my bike.

- What kind of bike do you have? - It's a Sledgehammer.

Dang!

You got shocks, pegs.

Lucky!

You ever take it off any sweet jumps?

You got, like, three feet of air that time.

Can I try it really quick?

Taint!

I love the way...

your sandy hair...

floats in the air.

To me it's like a lullaby,

I'm just flying by, oh, so high,

like a kite tied to a stake.

How was school?

The worst day of my life. What do you think?

Well, I want you to go see if Tina wants some of this.

Kip hasn't done flipping anything today.

Look, tonight me and your- Kip, listen!

- What? - Tonight me and your aunt are gonna go visit some friends,

and we're not gonna be back till tomorrow.

We're gettin' low on steak, so I got Lyle comin' over tomorrow to take care of it.

- Well, what's there to eat? - Knock it off, Napoleon.

Make yourself a dang quesadilla!

Fine!

I'll be back tomorrow.

Stay home and eat all the freakin' chips, Kip!

Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day.

Besides, we both know I'm training to become a cage fighter.

Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time.

- Try and hit me, Napoleon. - What?

I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.

Such an idiot.

Let me see what your best move is.

I'll go get it.

Geez!

Um, hello.

Would you like to look like this?

This is a girl.

Because for a limited time only...

glamour shots by Deb are 75% off.

I already get my hair cut at the Cuttin' Corral.

Well, maybe you'd be interested in some home-woven handicrafts.

founder of the Rex Kwon Do Self-Defense System.

After one week with me in my dojo, you'll be prepared to defend yourself...

with the strength of a grizzly,

the reflexes of a puma...

and the wisdom of a man.

Come down today for your free trial lesson!

In here we have some boondoggle key chains.

A must-have for this season's fashion.

I already made, like, infinity of those at Scout camp.

Well, is anyone else here?

I'm trying to earn money for college.

Your mom goes to college.

Let's bring in that-

Tina, you fat lard. Come get some dinner.

Tina, eat. Eat the food.

Eat the food!

It'd be nice if you could pull me into town.

My name is Rex, and if you study with my eight-week program,

you will learn a system of self-defense...

that I developed over two seasons of fighting in the Octagon.

It's called Rex Kwon Do!

I need a volunteer.

Okay, you'll do. Come up here.

Bow to your sensei. Bow to your sensei!

Okay.

Now, I'm gonna give you one chance.

One chance, people. Give me your best shot.

All right. That was pretty good. Okay.

Now, watch this, everybody

Grab my arm. The other arm.

My other arm.

Now watch this. I'm just gonna break the wrist and walk away.

Break the wrist, walk away.

Geez! Okay.

It's just that simple. Now, I want you to kick me.

Come on. Kick me.

Okay, do it again.

Do it again.

Ouch. Okay. You'll block it every time.

Have a seat.

Now, in addition to what you just saw,

if you study with my eight-week program, you're gonna learn these things.

First off,

Rex Kwon Do, we use the buddy system.

No more flyin' solo. You need somebody watching your back at all times!

Second off, you're gonna learn to discipline your image.

Do you think I got where I am today...

because I dress like Peter Pan here?

Take a look at what I'm wearing, people.

Do you think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face...

while I'm wearin' these bad boys?

Forget about it. Last off,

my students will learn about self-respect.

Do you think anybody thinks I'm a failure because I go home to Starla at night?

Forget about it!

Now, for only $300, you can sign up right now...

for my eight-week program.

Well, that place was a rip-off.

Hey, Lyle.

Nothin' on here works smooth.

So me and you are pretty much friends by now, right?

Yes.

So, you got my back and everything?

What?

Never mind.

- Have you heard about the dance? - Yes.

Have you met anyone to ask yet?

No. But I probably will after school.

Who you gonna ask?

That girl over there.

- She braided my hair one time- - Summer Wheatly? How the heck are you gonna do that?

Build her a cake or something.

Yeah, my old girlfriend from Oklahoma...

was gonna fly out here for the dance,

but she couldn't 'cause she's doing some modeling right now.

Is she hot?

See for yourself.

Wow.

Yeah, I took her to the mall to get some glamour shots for her birthday one year.

I like her bangs. Me too.

How long did it take you to grow that mustache?

A couple of days.

I wish I could grow one.

Are you gonna eat your Tots?

No.

Can I have 'em?

You see that girl over there?

She came over to my house the other day,

Why? I don't know,

but she left all this crap on my porch.

She's pretty good-looking.

Do you dare me to go talk to her?

Sure.

I see you're drinking one-percent. Is that 'cause you think you're fat?

'Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.

Well, I have all your equipment in my locker.

You should probably come get it 'cause I can't fit my nunchakus in there anymore.

Where's your locker?

Hey, can I have one of your key chains?

Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Hello?

Napoleon, give me some of your Tots.

- No, go find your own. - Come on. Give me some of your Tots.

No. I'm freakin' starved. I didn't get to eat anything today.

G-

Gross.

Freakin' idiot!

Tina, come get some ham.