Cougar Town

Baby Bobby is the cutest baby ever.

Oh! There's the stuff.

- - Make room. I'm coming in.

All right.

Okay. You guys, seriously, you need to be careful.

My cousin Tess actually got addicted to baby smell.

It nearly ruined her life.

She caught one whiff of that sweet baby musk

at a birthday party, and the next thing you know,

she was doing bumps off of random babies at the park.

Well, thanks for all the help with our first week as parents.

Think we're ready to take Little Bobby home

and handle him on our own now.

What?

Oh, you're just in for a wild ride,

'cause the first time two parents

are alone with their baby, things can get a little crazy.

The first few days we had Stan on our own,

I was so tired and cranky, I turned into a total bitch.

And I never turned back.

I was so overwhelmed with our first kid,

I didn't have a second to take care of myself.

Little tip-- adult diapers.

You guys are making it sound

like some kind of horror movie.

Just take as much sleep as you can find, don't forget to eat,

and, um, if it gets too crazy, call me.

Thank you, you guys, but I'm pretty sure

we can handle our kid on our own.

- We got it. -

Wait for it.

- Little oversight. - Don't judge us.

Say goodbye to grandma.

- Okay. - Okay.

Wait!

Good luck.

They're screwed.

_

I still can't believe I'm a grandma.

Oh, don't worry, Jules. You're still a total GILF.

What?

Tom!

Wait. No, actually, I'll-- I'll take that compliment.

Gross.

So, how's Andy doing?

I mean, I haven't seen him since Bobby left

to take that golf-pro job in Georgia.

He tried to go to the hospital with a broken heart.

He hasn't even slept home in the past few days

'cause he's been sulking on Bobby's boat.

It's been great.

I should probably go check on him.

Oh, no. I got to open the bar.

I wish it wasn't so hard for me to find people to cover for me,

but my job is really challenging.

Wait. You're serious?

What's the challenging part?

Is it tilting the bottle up or tilting it down?

Bartender's elbow is a real thing,

and my job is more than just pouring drinks.

None of you guys could do it.

No? All right. Let's find out.

Come on. Just for a couple hours.

Ellie and I will man the bar while you go check on Andy.

Fine. But please... be careful.

Relax. We got this.

If that idiot can do it, we can do it.

I'm still here.

I know!

Andy?

Good lord, man. What happened to you?

You look like a contestant on a Bear Grylls show.

Are you wearing Bobby's clothes?

They still have his scent-- saltwater and tacos.

I'm not entirely sure what to do here.

I've never been left by a boyfriend.

Come on. Let's get you a beer.

That was his favorite drink!

It still is. He's not dead.

Come on. We need to get you out of here.

Grayson, will-- will you pat my head

and call me "Ando" like he used to?

Her de der, Ando.

Her de der.

Okay, got a chardonnay for Cabbage Patch,

lemon drop for Tube Top,

I got a cab for Chocolate Mountain,

piña colada for SPF Nada,

and a tall cold one for Lady Fonz.

Ehh.

More wine?

We'd love to, but our husbands are waiting.

Oh, I'm not hearing a problem.

I am having so much fun.

Me too!

And I'm the master at nicknames.

Check this out. Okay.

Suds up, Perv Stache.

My friends said this was cool.

Your friends are wrong.

Okay.

- That was easy. -

He fell right asleep.

I mean, like a dream, no problem.

Feeding him, he just latched on to the old milk jugs.

Ugh, babe, could you please not say--

Milk jugs. Sorry.

No. That's what they are.

I meant "Latch." Oh, God, I hate that word.

I mean, taking care of a baby is easier

than taking care of my virtual Tamagotchi pet.

How did you ever get me pregnant?

- Well... - Well...

Ah, the gang thought we couldn't handle this.

But Baby Bobby is sleeping so peacefully,

- I can't even hear a sound. -

Why can't we hear a sound? Shouldn't we hear a sound?

Breathing is a sound. Go!

Go!

Keep going. Look. I still see room.

I don't know why you're slowing down.

You call that food, Quarter Eyes?

See what I'm doing? I'm being you guys.

Get it?

So, how'd it go today?

Much harder than expected.

One guy wanted a beer and a water.

I had to use both hands to carry it.

It was really touch-and-go for a second.

And then things got really nuts when I had to give a beer

to a guy over here and then another guy

all the way over here.

Okay, so, fine.

You handled a dull morning shift.

That's easy.

Night is where it really gets cray.

Andy:

Andy, what are you doing?

Fell off my stool! Too sad to get up!

Aw, it makes me want to cry.

Me too. But for other reasons.

Bobby!

All right, someone needs to take care of that.

Someone other than me.

You know, you could help Andy now.

You could take the whole weekend,

and Ellie and I can watch the bar.

The weekend?! Now you're being cray.

Stop saying "Cray"!

Now, look, if we handle the bar and you help Andy,

then everybody wins.

Okay. Fine.

But as soon as there's any trouble,

you have to call me to come back and fix it

and to do my "Ha ha, I was right" dance.

Ha ha. I was right. Ha ha. I was right.

Ha ha whoo ha ha.

Come on, Andy. Let's go.

Bobby used to drive me this way.

This bar is ours.

Oh, we kicked total ass at the bar last night.

We made people so happy.

Right, but that may have been the alcohol.

Yeah. And we gave it to them.

We did.

What?

We just opened the door and walked in without using keys.

Oh.

- Didn't you lock up?! - Didn't you lock up?!

Wait. I'm sure everything's okay.

I mean, it's a safe town, right?

Um, well, that depends.

Was the register wide open and completely empty when we left?

Then we've been robbed!

Dun-dun-duuuun!

I don't know why I did that. Sorry.

Okay, I thought it over,

and I've come to the conclusion that we were robbed.

I thought we established that already.

All right, I guess we're gonna have to call the police.

But if we call the police, then Grayson's gonna know

that we screwed up.

- - He's gonna find out anyway.

Ugh, we're never gonna hear the end of it.

But he knows how much cash we made last night.

Oh, he's gonna be so obnoxious!

I got to go.

Okay, wait. Let's think.

We're out 3 grand.

What if we paid it back ourselves?

That's a great idea.

You know, I've got, uh, $8.

And I have... Let's see.

$2. Oh, and a giant pearl!

That's a Mento.

- Oh. - No.

Okay, what are we gonna do?

What if we made 3 grand in cash all under the table

- and say it's from last night? - Yeah? How?

Can I get a beer?