The Mortuary Collection

The world is not made of atoms.

It is made of stories.

Aah!

Hello, child.

You've left your camera!

Suck it, creep-o!

Creep-o.

That's a new one.

What is life but a story?

A single narrative thread in the tapestry

that binds us all.

And as with all stories,

it is not the length of the tale that resonates,

it is the quality of the content within.

I beseech you, friends, that even as we mourn,

let us celebrate as a tribute to this young man's story.

Let us seek solace that we have been granted impunity

from eternal rest.

That death would not eradicate us,

but in the pages of life we will continue forth

and we cannot die!

Uh, and now a reading from Corinthians.

Thank you for coming.

Please drive safely.

Sorry for your loss.

Thank you for coming.

I wouldn't.

This world, this business,

it's not as neat and tidy as one might expect.

The coffin... It's so small.

A tragic thing, indeed.

Montgomery Dark, resident mortician,

indentured servant to the great beyond.

Dark. Really?

Mm.

It's a family name.

Oh, I'm Sam.

Sam.

My condolences.

Were you close with the child?

Oh, no. I'm sorry. I saw a sign out front.

Sign?

Yeah, "Help wanted."

Are you still looking?

Yes.

Always.

Please.

Have you any experience in the mortuary arts?

No, but I'm a fast learner.

Mm, most people would find it unmanageable.

Huh. I'm not most people.

We shall see.

Please have a seat.

This is... This is one serious collection of books

you've got here.

The mere tip of the looming,

lumbering iceberg, I'm afraid...

An archive of the various ways in which clients

have found themselves passing through our hallowed halls.

So, these are all stories about how people died?

Not just how, my dear, why.

Huh. That's pretty cool.

Yes, it is, isn't it?

Tell me one.

Tell you one what? A story.

Something... dark and twisted.

Something awesome.

Mm. Perhaps we should stick to business.

We have much to do.

Oh, come on, Monty. If I'm going to be working here,

I need to know what I'm getting myself into.

You are not hired yet, young lady.

Right because you have a stack of applications

to go through.

Something dark, twisted, and "awesome," eh?

Well, see how this one grabs you.

Uh, someone's in here.

Hoping you're not trying to hide from me.

I wouldn't dream of it.

Okay.

Meet me on the veranda in 10?

Look, I've just got to say that talking with you back there,

I felt this connection, and I feel like you felt it, too.

A-Am I being crazy?

I'm being crazy. I'll see you on the veranda.

Ahh.

Okay.

Okay.

Ahh!

Damn it.

Aaaah!

Can somebody help me?

Help me, please!

Aaaaah!

It's not bad.

I was expecting something a bit more substantial.

Maybe an ironic comeuppance or a big twist, but...

it was fun.

Fun?

Well, I have more stories.

Many, many more.

I was... just warming up.

Here.

Sign here, initial here and here.

It's a bit far-fetched, don't you think,

an octopus in a medicine cabinet?

It was not an octopus.

And.

It is not the validity of the story

that concerns me, but the message within.

And the message is...

don't stick you nose where it doesn't belong?

In a most basic sense, yes.

But on a deeper level,

it is about the universal balance of all things.

Universal balance?

There we are... Nice and neat.

Shall we begin?

The foyer, French for where the fire is kept.

Oh, who are these ghouls?

Ghouls?

These are morticians, my dear,

some of whom were called to serve in this very house.

A distinguished group, to be sure.

Yeah, distinguished.

Come. There's much to see.

Of course, you've already seen the viewing parlor.

Very elementary.

The mourning sit here

and up here resides the rhapsodist.

How old are you?

Ironic, is it not, that one so old would preside

over the passing of one so young.

So, what is the story here?

I would rather not.

Some tales even I find too unsettling to recount.

Tell me another one, then.

You say you have better stories.

I want to hear them.

You've heard the phrase, "better safe than sorry,"

I presume?

Well, this young man had to learn it the hard way.

Karl Marx said that social progress can be measured

by the social position of the female sex.

Now, ladies, as a straight, white male,

I'm going to be the first to admit the tides are turning.

The patriarchy is falling, and in its place

is a brave, new world of equality and sexual freedom.

A world where both men and women are entitled to have sex

whenever and with whoever they please

as long as they do so safely and with the proper protection.

Just... like... that.

You're empowered.

Please, have some condoms.

Guys, listen... We are having a party tonight

at the Sig Delt house. You should stop by.

Okay?

So... is that true about the patriarchy?

No, idiot. Patriarchy is solid.

Karl Marx said that...

You don't even know who Karl Marx is.

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

Yes, I do.

Jakey, can you please tell me what we're doing here?

We are providing an important service to the incoming freshmen

who are young, impressionable, and vulnerable.

Guys, it is our job to help them make informed decisions.

And that decision is to have sex

with you hopeless jerks at the party tonight.

A-And what, the girls who take the condoms

are the ones who want to party.

Oh!

And party means sex.

Anyone want condoms?!

Condoms suck.

Uh, hey! Miss!

Hey, excuse me, Miss!

Oh, Miss. Hey! Can I...

Hey, I was just wondering

if I can offer you a, uh, prophylactic?

I'm sorry?

Um, uh, it's slang for a condom.

We're giving them away to show how the patriarchy is dying.

You know, it's almost dead.

I mean, we're white guys and...

Do you know who Karl Marx is

'cause he would want you to have one?

Uh, thanks.

No problem.

Uh, just one 'cause we've got plenty,

and they're all free. Hey, buddy.

Hi. Hi.

So, um, the girls lacrosse team just showed up at the booth,

and, um... we're out of bananas.

Wha... Like, the lacrosse team?

The girls lacrosse team.

That's like the fastest sport on two feet.

You got this?

Yeah. Yeah, I'll do my best.

Okay. Okay.