Splitting Up Together

Arthur, your blood pressure is 160 over 100.

160 out of 100?

That's awesome! 160 over 100.

It's not awesome; It's hypertension.

Oh

Have you been stressed lately?

Unemployment? A death in the family?

Mommy issues?

Ohh.

Yep.

This makes sense.

You know what? It's almost Valentine's Day.

And? My wife has very high expectations.

Last year, I did the classic "scavenger hunt

that led to finding her birth parents" thing,

and this year I have to top it.

It cannot be a letdown! No letdowns for Camille!

Is "Dranderson" a heart med?

No.

Dr. Anderson is a couples' counselor.

Call her.

...Captions by VITAC...

Weird you're getting Lena a gift.

Really cool wrapping paper, though.

What? No, Milo has a birthday party this weekend. Oh.

Hey, you know what's great about being divorced?

Valentine's Day is tomorrow, and that means nothing to me.

I am off the hook... No cards, no flowers,

no jewelry that she's going to immediately return

because, what... what, owl earrings "aren't her thing"?

Hey, you okay?

Me? Yeah.

Oh, I'm fine.

I have this blood-pressure situation.

I can't see out of my left eye, but other than that...

Oh, man, what's stressing you out?

According to my doctor?

It's Camille. Ah, man.

Apparently, she's bad for my health.

He gave me a number for a couples' counselor.

I should just burn it before Camille checks my pockets.

Uh, maybe you should call it.

Listen to your doctor, dude.

Camille loves you, okay,

and I'm sure she'll be open to therapy

if that's what you guys need.

Would you have been open to therapy?

What do I have to do with anything?

You were the Camille of your marriage.

As I am the Lena of mine.

What?! No.

You've never noticed that?

You're such a Camille!

Anyway, therapy's a non-starter for you types.

Well, you could at least ask her

to cut you a break on Valentine's Day, right?

Okay, totally. I will.

Maybe I'll ask in a note.

Can you please write it for me?

How close is your handwriting to Helvetica?

It's the only font she'll read.

Okay, all you mommies-to-be,

the more at peace you feel,

the better your baby's gonna feel,

so let's ease back into mountain pose.

Oh, my God.

This is exercise?

I burn more calories cutting Arthur's steak.

Oh, go to hell.

So, Maya, what are you and Mean Gene doing tomorrow?

Oh, he's out of town.

Uh, The Verve Pipe is on tour?

So it's just me and, uh, Bebe,

home alone, watching my celebrity crush, Gordon Ramsey.

I know it's weird. I blame the hormones.

It's not weird. Gordon can get it.

What about you, Camille?

You and Arthur have something

spectacular planned for tomorrow?

I'd assume so.

Ooh, I wonder if my passport's up to date.

I was thinking of doing something for Martin.

What?

You're gonna do something for Martin?

Yeah.

I mean, I know we're not together anymore,

but I still love him, obviously...

What?

Come on, you guys.

I mean, we were married for 16 years.

Of course I still love him.

It would be weird if I didn't love him.

I was thinking of making rack of lamb.

Oh, I could destroy a rack of lamb right now.

Rack of Lamb is not a casual dish.

It's a dish that says we once loved each other,

we still love each other,

and despite everything we've been through...

...our love remains unbroken.

When served with peas.

This is for you.

Aha!

Let the V-Day Games begin.

Is this a tiny, little treasure map?

"Camille, I love you to the ends of the Earth

but can that just be enough this year?"

I don't get the clue.

There isn't one.

It's just...

I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself

about the holiday.

It's really taking a toll.

A toll!

What tolls do we take to the ends of the Earth?

Camille.

I saw my doctor.

I didn't schedule that.

I wasn't feeling well.

He's concerned about my health.

He gave me a number of a...

A what, Arthur? A-A heart guy?

A brain guy? A butt guy?

A couples' guy.

A counselor.

So you think that you're sick... because of me?

I can't sleep. I'm losing my hair.

I'm getting nosebleeds at work.

People think I'm doing coke. They keep asking me for coke.

I don't have any coke!

What does that have to do with me?

Everything has to do with you!

My whole life revolves around you!

It's not working for me!

Sweetie, is it possible that this pent-up rage

is actually just shame

because you haven't gotten my present yet?

Because if so, I will accept a gift card.

Just this once. You know what?

I'm leaving, and I'm taking the dog with me.

The dog stays.

Come on, Grand Mal! Grand Mal, stay there, baby.

Daddy's not going anywhere... Come on, girl! Come on, girl!

...and even if he was, he doesn't know about... Daddy's for sure going somewhere.

...your dietary restrictions... C'mon, Granny. I love you!

...so it's best to stay put! Come to Daddy. Come with me. Come on.

Great! You triggered her narcolepsy.

Hey, Mom? Hmm?

I need rain boots.

We have a field trip to a bog next week.

Didn't you guys already go to a marsh?

Yes. And now we're going to a bog.

What you cooking? Smells good in there.

Hey, thanks.

Hey, so, tomorrow is V-Day,

and the kids are going to that school dance,

so I thought I could make a nice dinner for the two of us,

you know, so you don't have to eat out of a bag.

You want to have dinner with me?

Well, I just thought it would be a nice way to say thanks.

You've been a really amazing partner lately.

Partner?

Co-parent? Roommate? Whatever.

I was just thinking it would be, you know, a nice,

casual dinner between two friends

who got nothin' but love for each other.

What?

Would you stop it?

We obviously still love one another.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you doing? You are making it weird.

Come on. You know I love you.

No, I don't.

I tell you all the time.

You do not.

Okay, well, then I'm saying it now, bro.

You wanna hammer some lamb with me tomorrow or not?

Yeah, man. Let's hammer a lamb, brah.

I'm in. Good.

All right, well, it's super casual, all right?

Très caj. Okay.

I might even wear sweats.

Hey, buddy.

I'm gonna crash here for a bit.

I took your advice, and I stood up to Camille.

And then we got in a huge fight.

I was gonna go to a hotel,

but there's no telling what I might do if left alone.

Now I'm kind of curious. Should we try and find out?

Fresh pepper?

Fresh pepper?

Mnh-mnh.

Freshly ground pepper?

Sure. Great.

Arthur, stop.

Sit down. Just relax.

You're right. I'm so sorry, baby.

"Baby"? Reflex!

Sorry, Camille. No, I'm not sorry, Camille.

There, I fixed it.