Legit

Good morning, mate.

Don't get up. I can take care of meself.

Good morning, Jack.

Did you sleep well?

Oh, no. Not really.

I didn't get my head down till, oh, it had to be 9:45.

Steve, come on. Get up, son.

Oh, Jim. You ought to go see your mother.

Yeah, that's not a bad idea, Steve.

Billy's kind of lonely in that hospital.

Why don't you go visit him?

- Why don't you two go visit them? - Yeah.

Oh, Steve, don't be rude, huh?

Jack's on vacation here.

I got to go and put me hand in the sand

at that Asian theater.

Uh, it's, uh, cement. Chinese.

I don't know about that. You ever been there?

I-I read a book once.

Yeah, that'd be the only once, too.

Jim: G'day, mum.

Oh, hey, Mrs. Jefferies. I'm sorry.

I didn't realize Billy was sleeping.

I'll just go down to the cafeteria and come back later.

No. I'm awake.

I'm surprised you can be bothered to come and visit me.

It's no problem, mum.

Hold on.

I need some privacy to talk with my son alone.

You got to get me out of here. She's driving me crazy.

Oh, you need to be in here.

You have water on your lungs.

- Hey, Steve. - What?

I moved my fingers today.

Cool. Let me see.

Holy shit.

I know, dude.

Billy looks bad.

I hope he's gonna be all right.

Oh, don't worry about Billy.

He's going to be fine.

The doctors... They can't figure out what's wrong with me.

Oh, if I'm not dead in three days,

it'll be soon after that.

Mum, you're not dying.

Who are you to say I'm not dying?

You're not a doctor.

Yeah, but a doctor outside just told me you're not dying.

You got a blood clot in your leg. You got diabetes,

so it's taking a little longer to heal up.

You're gonna be in here for a week or something.

You've gained weight.

I haven't, actually. I've lost weight.

You've got to try and control your weight.

Really? You're telling me to control my weight?

I was never as big as you when I was 36.

So... you were! You say this, but you were.

We have pho... I can get a photo right now.

- Oh! - You were always big.

I-I don't know why you say these things.

Look, James.

When you get to the end of your life,

you take stock of everything that's happened.

I tried to raise you and your brothers

as best as I could.

But in many ways,

you're still a huge disappointment to me.

- God. - This woman is a nightmare.

She's out of her mind.

- Have you got the number here at the hospital? - Yes.

It's just another place for you to never call me at.

Come on, mum. I call you all the time.

Oh, to complain about your terrible childhood.

It was terrible, mum.

You used to call me "Fuckface".

Well, only because you called me that first.

I was 5. I was 5. You were the adult.

- Anne: Oh, grow up! - Should I? - Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

- Jim: You should have been the responsible one! - Nurse! My brother's not breathing!

Get out of the way. Out of the way.

Are you...

What's wrong with Billy?

Nothing... I just hit the call button

'cause you looked like you needed help.

- You okay? You sure? You sure? - Mm-hmm.

Thanks.

No problem, fuckface.

Okay, let's go.

Oh, stop seeking attention.

Mike.

- Mike. - Hey! Jimmy J.!

Hey, how's it going?

Hey, I had no idea you were coming in today.

Well, I've been calling you for, like, the last three days.

Uh-huh. You have? You have?

- I told him you've been in meetings. - Right.

Yeah, she's done nothing wrong.

She's very good, this one. Keep her.

Well, listen.

I always have time for my number-one comedian.

Top three, for sure. Come on up.

Hey, I'm Steve.

How can I help?

Work, Mike. I need work, okay?

And I need to get out of town this weekend.

Who... Who's this guy?

I'm Steve.

You're not gonna pitch a-a TV show with this guy, are you?

No.

You said you loved that idea

about "Planes, trains & automobiles" as a TV show.

Dude, it's not a great idea. What happens?

They never get to their destination?

No, it's different destination every week.

Look, I-I just need a gig right now.

No, I've been... I've been trying to get you parts forever.

The movie people... They don't want you

ever since you raped that girl.

Ever since I made the joke. I made a joke, Mike.

Whatever. Your name's associated with rape.

I'm... I'm associated with ra...

So when you think of Jim Jefferies, you think of rape?

- Mm-hmm. - Seems unfair since I've never raped.

Well... You say "Tom-ah-to," I say "To-may-to." You know.

You know, what's weird is that saying

literally applies when I'm talking to you.

It does.

- "Tom-ah-to." - "Tom-ah-to."

Good meeting, Jim, Sean.

Steve.

Mike, Mike.

I don't need a movie. I don't need a TV show.

All I need from you right now

is a gig out of L.A. this weekend.

Okay, Jim, but I don't know what I can do

on such short notice.

Why are you bothering me?! I'm in with Jim Jefferies.

Sorry, sir.

I just wanted to remind you that Bob Saget called.

Oh, great. Put him through.

No, no. Sorry, sir.

Remember? He's not available to do that gig this weekend.

You just saved your ass, Marie.

Thanks.

I think I have something for you.

Great gig Mike got you.

Jim: I got to get a new agent.

Aah!

Jim: Aah!

I hate agents!

W-why?

Well, they hardly work, they take all your money.

Wow. I didn't know you hated Asians so much.

Why would I... Who said asians?

Put this on. Are you Jim Jefferies?

What other white prick you looking for

in the desert in this exact location?

Sir, I just need confirmation.

Yeah. Jim Jefferies.

Right this way, Mr. Jefferies.

Hi! I'm Steve Nugent.

Hi!

Hey!

Why are you wearing camouflage and I'm wearing blue?

So that the enemy knows you're a civilian.

Does the enemy give a shit?

Jack: Hey, look at that.

Boy, that Clark gable had small feet, didn't he?

Y-you know what they say about guys with small feet.

No.

Hey, would you guys be interested

in doing a tour of Hollywood?

What's that?

Drive around, check out all the celebrities' houses.

Like an architectural tour?

Sure.

I'm so sorry to be a burden to anyone.

Okay. Okay.

Your American hospitals are very good.

Well, she's a bitch.

Hello!

Mom!

Hi, honey.

Look, I brought you your favorite bear

to keep you company.

That's so great.

- Thank you. - Sure.

I really appreciate you, mom. I really do.

I love you.

Oh, well, I love you, too.

Mwah!

Oh, and Anne, I am so sorry

that your holiday has gotten off to such a bad start.

All right, coming up here on your right

is the world-famous viper room.

Now, you all know the viper room

because that's where, in 1993, River Phoenix died on Halloween.

Who?

Uh, River Phoenix.

Don't know him.