King of the Hill

Bobby looks pretty good in that uniform.

-(whistle blows) - Yup.

Yup.

Mm-hmm.

Think the Cougars have a chance this year?

- No. - Nope.

Nah-uh.

-(grunts) -(shushes)

Mm.

Paint.

Boys, the Welton Wolves

have already put their mark on this bridge.

Now, what does a cougar do

when a wolf comes into his neck of the woods?

Beats him in football?

Yeah, that's where I was going to end up, Bobby.

Now, you Cougars can't be winners until you act like winners.

And winners paint bridges.

Here you go, winner.

Oh.

Boys, the important thing to remember is you're from Arlen,

and Arlen once had a great team.

We were behind by two,

but luckily, we had the finest strategist ever to come out of Heimlich County,

Coach Whitey Sauers.

Now, how we going to win state if we don't get to state?

Now go out there and get me to state!

You get us to state, and I guarantee

I'll kiss each one of you little pansies right on the mouth.

- Let's go! -(players yelling)

Down. Down. Set.

...like a dang ol' blitz.

Change plans... Fake hand off to Hank.

Come around, blitz, fake reverse hike!

USA!

Yahoo!

-(all cheer) - We did it!

We did it!

We're going to state!

Yahoo!

Mm.

Damn, that man could coach.

- How romantic. - What?

That mom was there, and she saw you make that play.

And then, right after the game, she canceled her date with that guy

who ended up building all those airports.

Just paint the dang bridge.

Yeah. Good play. Way to go.

Uh-huh! Uh-huh!

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!

We need to blitz more.

I haven't done my sack dance all day.

Settle down, Bobby.

That's the kind of attitude that drove Mark Gastineau into boxing.

Do not just stand there scratching, Coach Maxwell!

You are not going to find a good play up there!

Maxwell, you suck!

Now, Wendy, honey, that is over the line.

You need specific criticism, not just generalities.

Maxwell, your plays suck!

Much better!

-(grunts) - DALE (exclaims): Ah!

Wingo! Interception Joseph!

DALE (laughing): Ah! Whoo!

That's our boy, a real all-American!

Arlen's native son!

Man: Heads up!

Sorry, the ball got away there.

Coach Coleman Lucas, "The Wind."

Uh, excuse me, could you face the other way

or something when you do that?

we got a real sport going on here.

It's called "football."

Actually, in the rest of the world, soccer is called "futbol."

You should try it.

Soccer, or "futbol," is excellent physical conditioning.

What's the point?

Anyone can kick the ball under the goal.

No...

Not if the goalie has anything to say about it...

He tries to stop them.

But don't worry, it's all in good fun.

-(gunshot) - Two minutes?

Oh, my God, we could win this thing.

Well, all right, uh, two minutes.

Who hasn't played yet?

Uh, Bobby Hill.

Get in there!

Coach, you can't put me in now.

We can win this.

Hank, he's putting your boy in.

I'm on it.

It's just bad strategy.

Uh, hey, coach, uh, Bobby's been cheering awfully hard today,

and I'm afraid he might have worn himself out already...

Hank, you know I like to play every player at least two minutes a game.

Can't you just let him play four minutes next game?

Bobby, mittens, honey!

"Do not put Bobby in

if outcome of the game

can be affected in any way."

There.

Coach Maxwell, I and some of the parents...

You suck.

Now, hold on.

What we have here are some suggestions...

No, Dale's right... he does suck.

You're not being paid to screw up.

I, I'm not being paid at all.

In fact, I still haven't been reimbursed for last week's pizzas.

Oh, and if you guys aren't too busy...

could you just please go to hell?

Dale, what did you do with last week's pizza money?

I bought a hat.

You know who would've won that game?

- Coach Sauers. - Yeah.

- Yep. - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, you know who would've not played Bobby?

Coach Sauers.

- Yep. Yeah.

Coach Sauers, man.

And, and you know who we should get to coach Bobby's team?

Coach Sauers!

That's a gribble of an idea, Bill!

- Yeah. - All right.

Coach Sauers. - That's what I said!

-(music stops) - If those are tight in the toes,

I'll get you a half size bigger.

Coach Sauers?

Hill... Finally got a haircut.

You noticed.

Boomhauer, how are your folks?

Man, they're doing fine, man...

Them down in Florida, man...

lottery winner, man...

no problems, man.

Sorry to hear that.

Gribble...

No one's killed you yet.

Dauterive!

My God, man, what happened?

It's a long story.

- Do you remember... - Look, coach, uh,

we came by to see you because...

Well, because you're the best coach Arlen has ever seen.

How would you like to coach again for my son's football team?

Coach again?

I quit!

Uh, whoa.

It's, uh... it's not really a paying job.

Thank you, sir.

I don't know what I'm doing in this bed.

I'm not going to sleep tonight.

Well, Hank Hill, you devil...

I am just so excited

that Bobby's going to have the Coach Sauers experience.

I only hope working at the mall hasn't knocked the fight out of him.

I don't know, honey.

That man could be a tough taskmaster.

Let's not forget that you used to call him "Sour Coach Sauers".

Remember?

Yeah.

Boy, we came up with that one

at a fellowship of Christian athletes picnic.

Sour Coach Sauers.

We were good kids, though.

He's a real high school football coach.

He's tough as nails, but you're going to love him.

Fellows, my name is Coach Sauers,

and I took Arlen High to State in 1974.

- Wow. - Cool!

Up to now, you men have been losing,

but now, you're going to be winning!

- Yeah! - Wow!

'Cause I'm going to ride you little dainty joes so hard

you'll wish you were all dead!

I'm gonna chew you up! Spit you out!

Take a big dump on top of that!

And then I'm going to get tough!

Let's rev 'em up!

Pretty impressive, huh?

Okay, you kids have fun.