South Park

Captioning made possible by comedy central

? I'm going down to south park?

? Gonna have myself a time?

? Friendly faces everywhere?

? Humble folks without temptation?

? Going down to south park?

? Gonna leave my woes behind?

? Ample parking day or night?

? People spouting "howdy neighbor"?

? Headin' on up to south park?

? Gonna see if i can't unwind?

? Come on down to south park?

? And meet some friends of mine?

And so, in her career filled with lies, back-Stabbing

And whoring herself for money,

She learned that the price of fame can be

Pleasing 65 men at once in a dark, dirty alley.

And so endspunky brewster: behind the blow.

Whoa, bummer, dude.

Okay, dude, it's 3:30.

It's time for the terrance and phillip show.

Yay! Yay! Yay!

Excuse me, buddy.

Why, did you fart?

Oh, no!

Oh man, this is another rerun.

Are you sure? I haven't seen it.

Yeah, fatass, this is their famous "mechanic" sketch.

I'm looking for a mechanic.

Can you tell me how to get to the auto garage?

Sure, buddy, all you need to do is go down to the-

And that's how you-

"Get to the auto garage."

Could you tell me how to get to the auto garage without farting?

Sure, you go the same way,

"Except stick your finger up your ass."

No, no, no.

I mean could you tell me the directions again without you farting?

Oh, sure.

Just stick your finger up my ass.

All right, no problem, buddy.

Now tell me, how do i get to the auto garage to see a mechanic?

You're at the auto garage, i am the mechanic.

Why the heck didn't you tell me you were the mechanic?

"Because i had an itch up my ass."

Because i had an itch up my ass.

Terrance and phillip will be right back...

After these messages.

When are they gonna make new ones?

Hey kids, don't miss the greatest event of the year.

This thursday night at the denver coliseum

See terrance and phillip live and in person.

What's this?

One night and one night only,

See all your favorite terrance and phillip bits live.

Oh, my god!

You guys, you guys!

I know, i know.

To order tickets call ticket slave now!

Write the number down, write the number down!

Dude, did you get 'em?

I got 'em.

Four tickets, 68th row toterrance and phillip.

I waited in line since 3:00 this morning.

Awesome, give me mine.

Wow, you guys are gonna see terrance and phillip live?

Yup, tomorrow night.

All right, children, let's settle down.

As you know, this coming friday is earth day

And i'm pleased to announce that the national earth day organization

Has chosen south park as its location

For the earth day brainwashing festival.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

The heads of the earth day brainwashing organization

Are here to tell you all about it.

Hello, children, i know you're all very excited

About having the earth day brainwashing festival

Put on in your town.

You care very much about the earth, don't you?

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Good, because it's up to all of you

To get lots of people to come and make it look great.

The festival is on friday,

So we'll start getting it ready tomorrow night.

What?

We've all gotta pitch in.

I'm sorry, but the four of us can't help tomorrow night.

Yeah! Yeah!

You... what?

We got tickets to see terrance and phillip live in denver tomorrow night.

We paid 40 bucks a piece for them.

And terrance and phillip are more important than mother earth?

Well, yeah, dude.

You don't care about terrance and phillip.

Nothing matters more than saving the planet from republicans.

You don't need to see terrance and phillip.

No, dude, we really, really do.

Their will is strong.

Boys, i'm sorry, but nothing's more important than earth day.

Uh, but that's why we're going. Huh?

See, we're the official presidents of the terrance and phillip fan club

And we're going to see them tomorrow

'Cause we can get them to perform at the earth day festival.

You can get terrance and phillip to perform?

That would be great.

Terrance and phillip would draw huge ratings

From children all over the country.

Very well, kids, we'll work on getting the event ready here

And you go get terrance and phillip.

All right! All right!

But i warn you,

You better not promise things to earth day people

That you can't deliver.

Earth day people can be very unforgiving.

Heh-Heh, no problem, no problem.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Put your hands together for terrance!

Hello, denver!

Wow, dude, terrance got really fat.

Yeah, he looks terrible.

How are you all feeling tonight, pretty good?

Uh-Oh.

Hey, do you all remember this one?

"Doctor, doctor, i think i cracked my ass."

Phillip, "let me take a look."

"Look closer."

Uh...

Where the hell is phillip?

Phillip, phillip!

Phillip, phillip, phillip, phillip!

And now, for some classic terrance and phillip comedy.

Hello, terrance.

Hello, phillip.

Phillip? That's not phillip.

Say, phillip, i have a question for you.

Okay, shoot.

Dude, what the hell is going on?

Why'd they replace phillip?

I think this new guy's funny.

And now here's a classic terrance and phillip sketch

That i wrote back in '62.

Excuse me, sir, do you know who farted?

He sure did.

What's the person's name?

Who. That farted?

The person who. That passed gas?

Who passed gas.

Now, why you askin' me?

That's man's name.

That's whose name?

Yes!

Something very terrible has happened

In the world of terrance and phillip

And we've got to find out what.

Look, buddy, all i'm trying to find out is,

What's the guy's name that farted?

What's the guy that drank his own urine.

Who?

Come on, guys, we're getting to the bottom of this.

Excuse us.

Where do you think you're goin'?

We have to talk to terrance.

Yeah, right.

It's okay, we're the official presidents

Of the terrance and phillip fan club.

Then get in the "official president of terrance and phillip fan club" line.

Oh, dude, gay.

You don't understand, we saved terrance and phillip's lives once.

You and about a thousand other people at one time or another.

Now get outta my face.

Redneck!

Man, this sucks.

Are you guys official presidents too?

Don't talk to us, kid.

Hey, look at that line, it's way shorter.

I don't think we're female groupies or random sluts.

Kenny's a random slut.

Well, maybe we can sneak in over there, come on.

Shh.

Yummy.

It was so great meeting you.

I feel like we really shared something.

We sure did, betty.

Next!

Hello, terrance, i'm such a huge fan.

You're a huge fan, all right.

Could i just have you sign my breasts?

What do i get in return?

Whatever you want.

Oh yeah, oh, that's good, baby.

Oh, terrance, i love you, i love you.

I love you, i love you.

Man, it smells down there.

Jesus christ, that was fast.

Well, what should we name it, how 'bout jerry?

What the hell?

Oh wow, we had quadruplets.

Aah!

We're not quadruplets, terrance.

We snuck in that woman's spandex to get in here.