M*A*S*H

The American military presence in Korea

is unlike any in our nation's history.

Our troops are fighting side by side

with 17 other United Nations forces.

All in all, a very unique situation.

But I can tell you one group

that may be suffering an adverse effect...

the 4077 MASH.

I've been getting reports

that treating casualties so close to the front

is beginning to take its toll.

Now, I'm gonna send you up to that unit

for the purpose of conducting a psychiatric evaluation.

Your recommendation will determine

if they are to be disbanded

and its members shipped to other units.

The 4077 is under the command

of Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake.

A fine surgeon, Henry.

A fair-to-middling administrator.

Blake's people are very devoted to him,

and I must say, he is highly thoughtful of them.

Morning, Henry.

Good morning, dear! Morning.

Oh.

That will be two kisses, please.

Here you go.

Hmm, and here's your change.

Blake's, uh, company clerk

is a, uh, Corporal Radar O'Reilly.

There are times, I must confess,

when it seems Henry Blake is Corporal O'Reilly's clerk.

Sign these, sir.

What am I signing, Radar?

Well, this is a request to rectify

last week's supply foul-up from Quartermaster Corps.

Was there another foul-up in Quartermaster last week??

In duplicate and triplicate, sir.

Uh, yes, sir.

They, uh, sent 2,000 specimen cups by mistake.

2,000.

They came in the same order as the 400 breast pumps.

That's an awful lot of...

A lot of breast pumps, yes, sir.

If you'd just initial this, please.

Just initial? - The initial signifies

that you signed instead of initialed it.

Thank you.

Then there's the chief nurse of the 4077,

Major Margaret Houlihan.

An angel of mercy, Major Houlihan.

A woman dedicated to giving relief to others.

Oh, Margaret.

That's delicious.

Major Frank Burns is the unit's ranking surgeon.

A very competent doctor,

but a bit of a prude, if you should ask me.

Margaret, when you touch me,

my knees turn to pudding.

Do they? - Yes.

Frank, I'll get all messy.

You're going to need a bath, you naughty girl.

Major Burns billets with two other doctors...

captains both...

Pierce and McIntyre.

Two exceptionally qualified surgeons,

but in their off-hours,

their antics can become quite antic.

Separately, they're a handful.

Who rewrote these Commandments?

Hawkeye, don't. - I can't help it.

Even as a child, I used to play with my food.

Together, Pierce and McIntyre make a remarkable pair.

Gimme three.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, two, please.

Everybody ready?

Two kings.

Three 3s.

Full house. - Ahh!

Pay up!

Turn your back.

Hee hee! Hee hee!

My concern is that the 4077

is operating under more pressure than it can stand.

More and more, we're forced to use green troops,

and green troops have a way of turning hospitals

into standing room only.

Hot stuff! This one's been shot.

Come on, this guy's still breathing. Get your butt over here.

I need some help. Pull this for me.

Are you clean? Pull that.

I need some more sponges.

Get your long fingers. - Longfingers.

Gimme the clamp. - Clamp.

We're getting close, Pierce.

We're getting close. - Grab that bowel, Henry.

Wait a minute, will ya?

I don't think he's got a minute.

Come on, more lap sponges, damn it.

Can we watch our language, please?

Look, Frank, any time you want to kick me out

of this country club, I'll second your blackball.

Can we watch our language, please?

Pierce, you do good work.

Oh, yeah, another three or four wars,

I'll be sensational.

All right, we're about to button this kid up.

Let's get the next one in here... Let's move it!

Stop!

What happened?

Phosphorous burns.

Water, copper sulfate, quick!

How do they ship a kid like this?

They put him out once.

The breeze in the chopper started it up again.

Get some water on there. - Out of the way.

Get the fire out first, boys. Get the fire out first.

All right, move him in there. Let's go!

I'll take care of this myself.

Let's go. Get him inside. Hurry up.

Klinger!

I told you to get out of those clothes.

Not till I'm discharged, sir.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You'll get your dress dirty.

As a psychiatrist, you'll be able to tell

whether the 4077 can still function as a team.

And for your purposes, it might be best to reveal

the true nature of your mission

only to Colonel Blake.

Break us up?

But you can't break us up.

I mean, we've been together so long,

we're like a family.

Well, families go their separate ways

sometimes, Colonel.

Children grow up, leave.

I understand.

I mean, uh...

I mean, you're not gonna write down everything

I say to you, are you?

I have a report to make, sir.

Oh, of course.

Like a brandy, Captain? - No, thanks.

Gin? Scotch? Rye? Beer? I've got it all.

Don't get the idea that I drink.

I mean, it's just that, uh, you know, uh, the...

Now, every now and then, there's a lot of pressure

around here, and, uh, you know, just...

I mean, not that there's a lot of pressure

or anything like that.

I mean, it's just that every now and then, uh,

say, like your least little pressure,

what'll build up to the point where there's

an incredible amount of pressure around here.

Radar!

Would you bring in some brandy, please?

I thought you might like some brandy.

That'd be real nice.

Um, Captain Hildebrand doesn't care for any.

Oh, then I won't bring his glass in.

Great little kidder, that one.

But a crackerjack clerk.

Well, look, you just tell me

who it is you want to interview,

and, um, he'll, uh, line 'em all up for you.

Yeah, well, my orders are to make

discreet observations, Colonel.

There will be no interviews.

Gee whiz, I'd sure like to know

what put this bee in General Clayton's bonnet.

I mean, the 4077 is one of the most committed,

responsible bunch of people

I've ever had the privilege of being associated with.

Ah, excuse me.

Hey-oh.

Yeah, well, show him in.

I mean, we have really got some...

Morning, sir.

The X-rays for the patient

with the phosphorus burns, sir.

Oh, uh, thank you, Klinger.

Will that be all, sir?

That's more than enough, Klinger.

I can explain that.

So can I.

I mean, it's not what it looks like.

Well, what do you think it looks like?

Well, I think it looks terrible.

Well, then, that's what it looks like.

Oh, the-there's nothing wrong with Klinger.

I mean, uh, he goes out with girls.

He must be stealing their clothes.

Naw, he's just bucking for a discharge, that's all.

He wants out on a psycho.

You know, it's logical.

Psycho.

I'm familiar with the word, Colonel.

Oh, of course.