South Park

Hello, everyone, and welcome back.

We are live at South Park Elementary school,

where the local girls volleyball team

is about to take on the Jefferson Sabers.

And, Jim, it is a packed.

Sell-out crowd tonight -- the first time in team history.

Everyone turning out to see what's gonna happen.

That's right, Mike. All eyes tonight

are of course on 4th grader Nichole Daniels.

Will she sit or stand for the national anthem?

This week, with athletes all over the country

sitting down for the national anthem,

the question on everyone's mind is,

what is this little girl gonna do?

She's not gonna sit down. Why would she?

Screw that. I got a hundred bucks riding on this.

Come on, Nichole! Sit it out!

Now please rise for the national anthem.

This is it!

[ "The Star Spangled Banner" plays ]

The national anthem starts.

Nichole Daniels seems to be waiting.

So far, no sign of --

Oh, and Heidi Turner is sitting down!

Mike, this is totally unexpected.

All eyes were on Nichole when Heidi Turner

comes out of nowhere and sits down for --

And there goes Meagan Ridley!

The crowd is going wild. What a turn of events.

Let's check in with Dave.

Ed and Mike, I've just looked at the girls' Twitter accounts,

and it appears they are sitting out the national anthem

to protest all the harassment and trolling

they receive on the Internet!

Complete surprise, Dave. Nobody saw this coming.

Three girls now sitting down, and --

and finally there goes Nichole.

-Wow! -Yeah, 100 bucks!

And now as the anthem draws to a close, this thing is over.

The final result -- four athletes sitting out

on the national anthem, three of them not even black.

A shocker here in South Park.

Thanks for joining us.

Oh, my God, that was great!

Uh, play ball.

All right, ladies, first of all, I want to say

that I completely respect your decision to protest

our national anthem.

I thought it was sweet.

I believe you shed some light on some very important issues

regarding gender equality.

What are you doing about Eric Cartman?

Ladies, I understand you're upset about

the trolling you've received on the Internet.

But there is no evidence that Eric Cartman is skankhunt42.

It is him. It's completely obvious,

and nobody's doing anything about it.

Well, he claims that he's been working

at changing himself and the world around him.

Send in Mr. Cartman.

You wanted to see me, PC Principal?

Mr. Cartman, I'm gonna ask you one more time.

Are you or are you not the Internet troll skankhunt42?

It's skank-hunt42, and no, I am not.

He's lying. Make him show you his phone.

Unfortunately, that'd be a breach of my civil rights.

But I can assure you, nobody respected

you girls' poignant protests more than I did.

Fellow Senators, our nation is divided like never before.

While people everywhere fight for their voices to be heard,

perhaps it is time for us to consider

that our national anthem needs to be changed.

Americans need an anthem that inspires and excites,

an anthem that has something for everyone,

while still paying tribute to what it once was.

I believe there's only one person capable

of achieving this --

J.J. Abrams.

Oh, J.J. Abrams!

He saved "Star Wars,"

and now we will ask him to save our country.

Mr. Abrams?

Mr. Abrams, we need to speak with you.

Look there.

Mr. Abrams, I speak on behalf of Americans everywhere.

We've come to ask you to reboot the national anthem.

Please, Mr. Abrams,

we know you've been asked to reboot a lot.

We know you're tired.

We know you're tired.

What do you say, sir?

We all want something new,

but that makes us remember the things we loved.

We want to member.

We need your memberberries!

One light means yes.

Two lights means no.

Fellow students, as you know, an Internet troll

by the name of skankhunt42 has been harassing women and girls

by making degrading comments on our school message board.

The girls are very upset, and many male students believe

that it's just because girls don't have a sense of humor.

I beg to disagree.

Girls rule. Women are funny. Get over it.

Just the other day in the hallway,

I heard two male students saying how the new "Ghostbusters"

sucked balls.

I was shocked and appalled.

It is time for us all to realize and accept

that girls are cool and women are funny.

Wendy? Wendy, could you come up here, please?

Come on up, Wendy. Wendy Testaburger, guys.

Wendy, go ahead. Be funny.

Say something funny, Wendy. We can't wait.

I'm not funny.

Hey, girls are funny Wendy, okay? Get over it.

Just do women's comedy stuff -- you know, talk about

how fat you are and how you want to have sex with guys

and then say "my vagina!" a lot.

I don't feel like being funny right now.

And that's just the kind of sexist bull crap

that's gonna keep you in the kitchen.

Sit your ass down.

This isn't a joke, you guys. Girls are funny.

Bebe, why don't you come up here.

Come on, Bebe.

No!

No?

Come on, talk about having sex with guys

and say "vagina!" and stuff like that.

Go ahead.

Girls rule. Women are funny.

Bebe, get over yourself, seriously.

Get the mic out of my face!

Huh. Oh, my God, that wasn't really all that funny.

That's weird. Um...

Let's see. Red, you got any zingers for the crowd?

No? How about you, Nelly?

Yeah, I got one. You're a fat fuck!

'Kay, that wasn't really funny. It was just angry.

You see, what the problem is, is that when a little troll

is allowed to say anything he wants anonymously,

then he speaks for all you boys.

'Kay, that's good. Now, just try and say it

a little bit funnier now.

Go ahead and get on our school message board

and see what he's saying about us.

Then see if you guys think it's funny.

Okay, and then -- and then -- and then just go "my vagina!"

And as our country seems to be more and more divided,

the only hope is that

J.J. Abrams' new national anthem

will appeal to everyone and bring back

those nostalgic memberberries we know and love.

Oh, great.

Everything's getting a reboot now.

Hello, sir. I'm with the Gallup poll.

We're trying to get a read on how people

will be voting in the upcoming presidential election.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Great. And will you be voting for the Giant Douche

or the Turd Sandwich?

Well, this is usually a Giant Douche household,

but we are going firmly with the Turd Sandwich.

Oh, the Turd Sandwich, huh?

That's right.

You can put my wife and I both down for Turd Sandwich.

Well, good luck with that.

So far, Giant Douche is leading in the polls.

What?

What the hell is wrong with people?

They really think that a Giant Douche

should be president?

It's insane!

Why'd you say I'd be voting for the Turd Sandwich, Randy?

You haven't even talked to me about it.

You can't possibly be thinking about voting for the douche.

What's wrong with you?

I just don't understand why every four years,

you people freak out over whether to vote for

a Giant Douche or a Turd Sandwich.

Because we're Americans.

'Cause this is America.

Why are we doing this again?

Why are we back to Giant Douche and Turd Sandwich?

Cynical...

Cynical man!

You just think everything and everyone is dumb, huh?

'Cause you're a kneel-ist ?

It's ni-hi-list.

See? You're such a nihilist.

The newest Gallup poll results are in,

and they show Giant Douche to be leading Turd Sandwich

by nearly 10%.

Turd sandwich has said there is no need to panic.