First Period

Dear diary,

Hey, it's me! Cassie!

I thought it was important to tell you about a major

milestone coming up.

See, it's my sweet sixteen.

That's right, diary.

I'm turning 16 this weekend!

This is the point where I go from being a cute,

fashion-savvy girl to a sensual, sexual

fashion-forward woman.

I'm going to have a popular group of friends and super-hot

hunky boyfriend before you know it.

I'm so excited, diary, except, the only problem is we just

moved here, so I don't know anybody.

My mother lost her job so she moved us back to her old

hometown.

Talk about worst timing ever!

But I'm going to look on the bright side.

New place, fresh face.

I'm going to have the best birthday party ever.

This is where it's all going to happen diary.

Cassie!

It's time for breakfast, sweetheart!

Well, I'm off, diary.

No need to wish me luck.

After all, I'm Cassie Glenn, totally rockin' superstar

extraordinaire.

You're welcome!

Oh honey, were you scribbling in that diary of yours again?

Good morning, Mother.

- You better be careful or you're going to get arthritis.

And nobody's going to put a ring on raptor fingers.

- Actually, I was documenting the fact that I have a very

important milestone coming up in my young woman life this

weekend.

- Oh sweetheart, we talked about this.

- Yes, I know the nursery rhyme mother.

I passed puberty quite some time ago.

And I'm talking about a different milestone.

And I'm actually kind of curious about it.

- That's my curious Cassie, always asking questions!

Like, "Why don't I look anything like you?"

"How come I don't have a father?"

"Why do I look like the girl on the milk carton?"

Oh, that reminds me.

I need milk.

Anyway, finders keepers.

End of discussion.

- Okay, um, it's my birthday this weekend, the big 1-6.

The day I become a woman.

- Oh, I remember the day I took you home from the hospital.

After having you, of course.

I'm not barren.

You're my joy.

My reason for living!

And that's why I've never regretted not taking you back.

- But what does that have to do with...

- Well, you're going to be late for school young lady.

I packed your lunch.

When you get to school, go straight to the guidance

counselor's office and get your class schedule.

And don't forget to take your transcripts.

Okay, mother.

I love you.

I love you too, sweetheart.

And happy birthday.

It's this weeke-ow!

Rude!

Oh, they grow up so fast.

- Okay Cassie, did you remember to bring the sexy?

I did, Cassie.

Oh, and look at that?

I brought extra.

Hey guys, what's the haps?

How's it hanging?

Where's the beef?

Clearly you must've eaten it.

What are you?

Rhetorical.

- And why are you speaking to us?

Literal.

Hi, Cassie Glenn.

Totally rockin' superstar extraordinaire.

You're welcome.

I'm new here.

First day.

Fresh meat.

Uh, I'm uh, Dirk.

Uh, this is Brett.

- Is there something wrong with you?

Am I right, new best friends?

And uh, this is Heather.

And Heather...

- Oh my god, what is there an echo in here?

I'm totally kidding.

I love everything about you guys.

Sleepover at my place!

What?

- Seriously though, is there something wrong with you?

- Well, now that we're all acquainted, go away.

- Actually, I'm looking for the guidance counselor's office,

so if you guys could point me in the right direction, that'd

be so totally rad of you.

- Sure, it's right back wherever you came from.

So you should go there.

- Ugh, I must've totally passed right by it.

Thank you!

Okay.

We're outta here.

- Okay, well don't be a stranger.

I won't if you will.

Oh, excuse me.

I mean...

Okay.

I mean...

Whatever you want.

- Oh, I haven't asked you anything yet.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Not a lot of people talk to me.

Oh, that's okay.

People talk to me all the time.

"What are you doing in there?

Get outta there! This is a funeral!"

Heh.

All a part of being so awesome, I guess.

- I once took a nap on a park bench and people thought I was

a dead body.

You do look really corpse-y.

But that's okay.

A good moisturizing routine will totally fix that.

Thanks.

I'll try that.

So anyway, back to me.

I'm new here and I'm trying to find the guidance counselor's

office, but I cannot find it anywhere.

Oh, well I can take you there.

I mean I, I know where it is.

- Oh my God, that'd be so totally awesome rad of you.

But don't you have a class or something?

Yeah, but...

They just think I'm a coat rack anyway.

It's the pointy shoulders.

So it's totally neat to meet you.

I'm Cassie Glenn, totally rockin' superstar

extraordinaire.

You're welcome.

- Heh, I'm Margaret Tandice Obscenity Miller.

But most people just call me Maggie.

Hey turdface!

Most people.

Neat.

So where are we headed new friend?

Human contact!

Dean Smith to Principal McGee's office...

Again.

Come in.

Please, have a seat.

- Hi, Cassie Glenn, totally rockin' superstar

extraordinaire, you're welcome.

Oh, Cassie.

You must be the new student.

I'm Ms. Wood.

Welcome to Florence Fisher High.

I'm the guidance counselor here, so I'll be helping you

to acclimate.

And you can feel free to talk to me about anything.

Oh!

When you're on your period, do you like to aggressively eat

buffalo wings and pretend that they're people?

U-Um, no.

It makes me feel powerful.

- Feeling powerful is a good thing, I think.

- Have you ever had one of those dreams where you're

eating a hamburger, and then you're making out with a

hamburger, and then other stuff happens?

No.

Me neither.

Do you think I would do well in prison?

- Okay, uh, I am going to need to see your previous

paperwork, records, documents...

- Mother says documents only tell lies that keep us apart.

Ah, I see now.

Homeschooled.

Don't worry, I've dealt with your kind before.

We're going to get you taken care of.

Do you have anything that shows any previous work?

- Oh, I do have something that shows my previous church work.

Oh, okay.

Let's see that.