Anger Management

So, Ed, my dad said that you and him drove down to Tijuana

for a couple of days? On a vacation?

Yeah, I had to get some cheap meds and your dad always wanted

to get his picture taken on a donkey painted like a zebra.

I started saving for a trip to Mexico.

- They say it's beautiful. - Well, they were wrong.

For a country that cranks out nothing but housekeepers,

the place is a mess.

All right, Ed. Put a dollar in the racist jar.

No, no, no. That's the homophobia jar.

That's the sexist jar.

That's the anti-Semitic jar.

You'd think there'd be more dollars in the Jew jar.

Well, there are now. Put a dollar in.

So, Nolan, if you're unemployed,

how are you saving money for a trip?

Did you figure out how to sell a vacant stare on eBay?

No, I got a job. I'm working at French Cut.

Nolan, we've been over this.

Loitering in a lingerie store is not the same thing as working there.

No, it's real. I'm a cashier.

Wait a minute. That means you'll get an employee discount.

And a half hour for lunch.

We need to talk.

Is this about the remake of "Tron"?

No. It's about letting me use your employee discount.

Oh.

Can we talk about "Tron" after?

Oh, sorry. I thought session was over.

No, no, come on in. We're just wrapping up.

See you all next Thursday.

Nolan, good luck with the job.

And, Ed, a little tip. It's probably a bad sign

if your pill bottle has a worm at the bottom.

You're here 'cause you got my message about us being in "Psychology Today."

- Pretty great, huh? - Are you kidding?

We can't invite the press to see the study now.

If they don't like what we're doing,

they could destroy our credibility before the results are published.

So are you excited about this or not?

I've been burned by the press before.

Oh, not that again. You've got to get over it.

That review was a long time ago.

"Lose 20 pounds" is not something

you should say to a nine-year-old ballerina.

Well, don't worry. I had a lovely Skype with Vanessa this morning

and I guarantee this will be a very positive article.

Oh, really? You guarantee it?

Does Vanessa also happen to be an attractive woman?

Define attractive.

- Attractive. - Oh, well, then, yes, she is.

Charlie, if we are going to do this,

it has to be for the good of our careers, not your penis.

Hey, hey, hey.

What's good for our careers is good for my penis.

Oh, come on, Jordan. Let's do this interview.

Okay, fine. But this woman is a professional.

Promise me you'll treat her with respect.

I absolutely will.

When I'm having sex with her, I'll say please and thank you.

- Charlie. - Oh, come on. I'm not stupid.

20 pounds?

How big were you when you were nine?

I was more sugar plum than fairy.

Is it fair to characterize your study as comparing

the happiness of friends with benefits couples

versus traditional monogamous couples?

Yes, exactly.

And if I was to put something in your mouth,

those words would be it.

- Charlie. - What?

Please, continue.

Has working together so closely on a subject like this

ever tempted you to, you know,

take your relationship to the next level?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Jordan, if I may.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.

Yeah, not in the history of the known universe.

Not even if hell froze over.

Beyond the valley of no way.

Not even if he paid for it.

Not even if I could afford it.

But, for the record, Jordan is a brilliant researcher.

Thank you.

And do not get me started on Charlie.

- Is that it? - Yes.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Yes, this is she.

Yes, I have a red tabby cat.

Yes, she's been known to attack children.

Oh, my God. I'll be right there.

I'm so sorry. I have to go.

My cat tore up a... she's sick.

No, it's okay. Go.

We'll keep talking about the study.

And that's all.

Don't worry. We're not gonna talk about you behind your back.

Crazy cat lady.

- So. - So.

The study.

Well, now with Jordan gone, I can confide in you

that I think to write this story,

I'm going to need to experience your methodology firsthand.

So you want to be hooked up to the machine?

Because that is firsthand.

And feel free to use your second hand if needed.

When I did a story on Tibetan monks,

I spent a month in a monastery.

When I did a story on kayaking,

I went down the Colorado River.

When I did a story on gang violence in South Central LA,

I rented a documentary

on gang violence in South Central LA.

I mean, I can hook you up to the machine,

but it won't mean anything unless you're having sex.

I know.

So you gonna bring your boyfriend down here?

I don't have a boyfriend.

And I...

don't have any self-control.

Anger Management 2x44 - Charlie Does It for Science - Original air date December 5, 2013

So this is what everybody in the study has to wear when they have sex?

I don't know what you're talking about.

It's what I always wear when I have sex.

Let me show you how this works.

The machine, that is. I'm sure you know how the rest works.

If you do something that surprises me, I'll let you know.

Now, these register our emotional responses during sex.

And this is the number that identifies which couple we are.

XTC4U?

Totally random.

We programmed the computer to have a sense of humor.

It cost a lot, but it was well worth it.

So, are we all hooked up and ready to go?

Well, we're not totally hooked up.

There is one input left.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

This.

All right.

Welcome to the wonderful world of sexual science.

Please keep your arms and legs in the bed at all times.

You can pick up your picture in the gift shop at the end of the ride.

I'm just glad I'm tall enough to ride.

Excuse me. I'm looking for something that says,

"I'm shy until you get two drinks in me, LeBron James."

Lacey, I need to talk to you.

I need to talk to you. What's sexier?

This or this?

I don't know. The only way I can tell

is if I see them on you and then you slowly take them off.

Come talk to me when they're paying you $60 million to play basketball

and you've got a shoe contract and, you know what, just don't talk to me.

Look, Lacey, my boss just told me

the only people who can use my employee discount

are me, family members, or significant others.

And I don't think anyone's going to believe you're me.

So just tell them I'm your sister.

- My girlfriend. - Your half-sister.

- My girlfriend. - Your cousin.

Okay, fine, my cousin. But we have sex.

Hey. Sorry about that.

So what happened? Your cat scratched up a kid?

It wasn't the cat's fault.

The kid from next door was eating out of her bowl.

I really need a smaller cat door.

Well, they make that cat food look so delicious on TV.

This was bound to happen.

So how'd it go with the reporter?

Was she in and out pretty quick?

No, I wouldn't put it that way.

But she got what she needed?

Sure sounded that way to me.

Did somebody use the machine?

What?

According to the time stamp,

someone used this machine 45 minutes ago.

I wonder who?

Damn it, Charlie. She's a reporter.

Is there anyone that you don't sleep with?

Yes, there's a whole gender I don't sleep with.

Hey, she started it. What was I supposed to do, say no?

- Yes! - Well, that's just crazy talk.

I can't leave for one hour without you getting into trouble.

- You're worse than Mr. Tubby. - Don't compare me to a cat.

I'm not. That's what I call the kid from next door.

Has she seen this readout yet?

No, she wanted to do this for her story,

so I was gonna show it to her tonight. Why?

Well, according to the activity in her dopamine center,

this woman is in love with you.

Which can only mean one thing.

- What? - The machine is broken.

What are you saying?

That a woman can't fall in love with me after one time?

- No. - Well, you know what?

- You don't know women. - I do know women.

- Oh, really? How? - I'm a woman.