Teachers

Please stop crying.

Oh, I know. I know.

Mama's gonna find your pacie.

Oh, it's gotta be here somewhere.

Oh.

It's not a pacie, but it's something.

Hola, kids. Let's do the guacamole mambo.

Jesus.

We gotta turn you on to Swedish death metal.

Good morning, everyone.

We have a new student joining us today.

This is Caleb.

Caleb, why don't you tell us a little about your old school?

Well, it was good.

My old teacher was Ms. Benson, and she was really nice.

Until she choked on a corn dog in the cafeteria and died.

A corn dog?

Whoa, what a rough way to go.

Well, I'm sure you had many other teachers there

who meant a lot to you.

Yeah, before her, I had Ms. Humphrey.

And she was my favorite.

But she got hit in the head by a swing.

It made her brain bleed, and her personality changed.

Eventually she died too.

So your last two teachers died?

Yup.

Okay.

Well, thank you, Caleb, for sharing.

Everyone, be sure to give him a pencil if he needs one.

And maybe a hug too.

And pop goes the kernel!

Wow.

A lot of people would have chosen the popcorn

or the kernel, but you were...

brave enough to tell the whole story.

Thanks for auditioning.

Uh, we will be in touch.

This one was definitely good.

Uh, before I go, I just want to say

my daughter and I love listening

to your music together.

I think what you do is really important.

You make people happy.

I'm normally the type of person who could

kick someone's teeth in for jacking my parking spot,

but since listening to you guys,

I've been able to stop, take a breath,

and remember,

"Holy moly, it's guacamole."

Wow, that... that means a lot.

Not, uh... not a lot of grown-ups get what we do, so...

thank you.

Hey, Deb, stop! Wait.

Um, before you wiggle hop out of here,

could you hang on for one sec?

Sure, sure.

Deb, auditions aren't technically over.

But your passion for the group speaks volumes.

We would like to offer you the role of Mary Bop.

Oh! Oh, oh, my God!

Thank you, Mr. Bop! Oh, please.

Please, call me Larry. Got it. (LAUGHS)

Hey, and could you do me a favor?

On the way out, could you tell, um, Gloria and Carol

that they did not get it?

I hate to disappoint people.

Yeah, of course. Okay.

That was a long piece. That was great.

That was gr... commitment. Yeah, truly.

'Cause the middle was terrible.

And they reinterred my coffin

under ten feet of concrete

to prevent further grave robbery attempts.

I remain buried next to my wife,

who people say was crazy.

But we don't know if that's historically accurate

or just what men say about women they don't like.

Well, that's history, everyone.

Time for silent reading.

Oh, I'm so glad we're team teaching this week.

Me too.

Uh-oh.

Someone's been passing notes.

"Your teacher is pathetic.

"Anyone who acts that sunny all the time

is an insecure loser."

Whoa, baby. That's a zinger.

Seriously.

But don't feel bad.

They're just idiot kids.

Oh, I don't feel bad.

The note's about you.

Don't be ridiculous, Mary Louise.

It's about you.

Nope, it's obviously about you.

Except for that it's not.

It's about you.

Oh, come on, Caroline.

You're the one who's got things to be insecure about.

You got dumped in a parking lot.

And you didn't get fingered until last year!

Who here wrote this note about Ms. Watson?

'Cause it's really not nice.

Are you busy? Yeah, actually,

these grades are due at noon. Great.

I have a child in my class whose last two teachers died.

Isn't that crazy?

It's got me thinking about my mortality.

Are you talking about Caleb?

I had a premonition about him.

I'm mildly clairvoyant.

Mildly clairvoyant?

I have visions.

And I recently had one about you and Caleb.

It... it wasn't completely clear,

but there was some kind of ending.

A break in the continuity of things.

A... an expiration. A terminus.

That sounds like death.

Well, visions are always open to interpretation.

But yeah, it's definitely death.

It had moments. Let's take a five.

When we get back, I've got a new spread move I wanna try

for "What's the Difference Between Jam and Jelly?"

You're better than that.

These rehearsals have been so fun.

I've been happy every day this week,

and that has literally never happened.

Well, your week's about to get even better.

We just booked a gig.

We're about to wiggle pop your cherry.

Get out! Where?

Give me a wiggle beat.

Fillmore Elementary!

Uh-uh. Uh...

Deb? Is everything okay?

Do you really think that Fillmore

is the best place for us?

I mean, I hear that they have a ton of, uh,

Crips and Bloods activity there.

You know, those are West Coast,

and it's an elementary school.

Oh, and I hear that the teachers there sell oxy

at drop off/pick up.

Hey, Deb. Hmm?

It seems like you're trying to back out.

No, no. I just can't go there.

I love being a Wiggle Bop.

Then you wanna stay one?

So we have a dress rehearsal tomorrow at 1:00

before the show.

Are you in?

Absolutely.

Mary Bop is in.

Have fun at phys ed, my little gym-thusiasts.

Oh, look. Another note.

Probably about you again.

Please. You're so dumb,

you didn't know the last one was about you.

I'm not dumb.

You think Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus

are two different people.

I hope your fragile ego can take this.

And they are two different people.

They just have similar teeth.

"I bet your teacher wonders

how anyone could ever love her."

It's me.

I do wonder that.

I know I need therapy, but my family only believes

in medicating with a dry chardonnay.

I'm a weirdo. I know I am.

You guys are really nice to me, but I'm a total weirdo.

It's me.

I'm unlovable.

No, it's me.

I'm unlovable.

What kind of sick freak makes mosaics

out of HDTV power couples using spare buttons?

That's nothing.

I have special voices for the two snails

that live in my garden.

One's like this.

And one's like this.

I'm sure a lot of people do that.

How dare this kid pass judgment on us?