Abbott and Costello Meet Captain Kidd

For many moons, we sailed beneath

the big and little Dipper

and if we're loaded to the teeth

we owe it to the skipper

we owe it to the skipper

we owe it to the skipper

who's got a jib from India to Madrid?

Happy to have you meet

captain kidd!

He who would falter, falter without a quid

love to have you meet

captain kidd

his sword is one of... And ... made an army

and then we'll beat them to the ...

He's a Gibraltar, he's a pyramid

happy to have you meet

captain kidd!

He plays with thousand bags of gold

he brushes our palms with silver

but now he must return to home

what would be ... and me

holding a girl is something he won't forbid

not that he ever did

not if we first let her meet

captain kidd

land ho!

Tortuga!

Women!

Women.

Women.

Women?

Women.

Women.

Help me!

If we don't get a little life around this town pretty soon,

I'm gonna have to close up the place.

What were you doing in that barrel?

What are you trying to do, get killed?

You know, a guy could get killed around here without even trying.

Come here.

Aw, now, puddin', if we're gonna work our way back to america,

you've gotta stop trying to be a hero

with every girl that you meet.

Kind sir.

What happened to your voice?

Oh, kind sir.

Your talk I don't understand.

Please, take this.

"Ah, my darling, darling.

I love you madly."

That's the first love letter I ever got from a girl.

It's not for you.

Please, deliver it to Bruce martingale.

He's a singer at the tavern.

We work at the tavern.

Bruce is a good friend of ours.

Yeah, we'll deliver it.

Hey, we better get back before we get docked again.

Come on.

My dad was quick to give me some fatherly advice

don't throw your life away, away

or your hard-earned pay away

but I warn you, stay away

from the shoes and rice

girls are fun, why pick one

one to be your wife?

Great to be wild and free

me for a bachelor's life

a bachelor's life, a bachelor's life

oh, how I love a bachelor's life

but marriage, of course

I greatly endorse

if I can live a bachelor's life

the world is full of women

who marry merry men

some girl will make you pie-eyed, sir

never know a dry eye, sir

if she answers, "aye, aye, sir"

life is over, then

girls are fun, why pick one

one to be your wife?

Great to be wild and free

me for a bachelor's life

a bachelor's life

a bachelor's life

oh, how I love a bachelor's life

don't blame ya.

A son of a gun

like father, like son

I want to live a bachelor's life

if a fish cannot be caught

then you bait your line for naught

and it's wiser not to let any lad

do what he hadn't ought

if he do do love in vain

then the course is very plain

you'll have to let us cover ground

out on the bounding main

a bachelor's life

a bachelor's life

I've known a lot of girls in my life

in fact, there are three

in fact, there are three

still lookin' for me

they're gunning for, gunning for, gunning for

the bachelor's life

wait a minute.

The front door is for gentlemen.

The back door is for swine.

I'm no pig.

What about the rarebit for captain kidd?

Where are my helpers?

Ah, they're no help.

Get to work, you two.

He's almost as ugly as the guy that owns this place.

That is the owner.

I am! Serve captain kidd's rarebit as soon as it's ready.

What a filthy-looking pan!

Take it easy.

It's gonna be an honor and a pleasure

to wait on captain kidd.

Sure.

Look, let's have an understanding.

I'm waiting on captain kidd.

Aw, no.

Oh, yes!

Why do you always have to take that kind of job?

You know I'm a good waiter.

Do as I tell ya.

Now, hot or cold, i'm gonna wait on captain kidd.

Ohhh!

Hey, what happened to you?

Captain kidd didn't like the way I placed his knife and fork.

Ohh!

Ohhh!

Wait a minute. What happened to you?

Captain kidd threw a knife because I spill a few drops of water.

Ohh!

Hey, that was real blood.

Yes.

Wait a minute. Did you wait on captain kidd, too?

No black eyes?

Mmm.

No bruises? No broken legs?

No teeth.

Ohh.

No, you don't.

I don't know why I always let you get away with these things.

Go ahead. You wait on captain kidd.

I--i ordered you a rarebit, captain kidd.

How dare you disturb me when I'm alone with a woman!

You are a woman, aren't you, my dear?

Not to you. You don't appeal to me.

That's the curse of being known

as the bloodthirstiest rogue in all the world.

Nobody takes heed of the sweet side of my nature.

Why did your ship go south of hispaniola,

when we agreed that it was my territory?

I apologize. The matter is now closed.

Where are the gold coins and jewels from those galleons?

They rightfully belong to me.

You're welcome to them, my dear.

Most welcome.

Where are they?

On skull island.

Your island.

I'm going to sail to skull island on your ship.

Delightful thought.

But my ship will follow,

ready to attack if I don't return safely.

Horrible thought, but so be it.

Would you like to see my secret map,

which shows where the treasure is hidden?

I've already seen it.

Somebody should report to the authorities there are pirates around here.

Where's your apron?

I beg your pardon?

Where's your apron?

Hold that, please.

Wash your hands before you serve that to captain kidd.

Now, when you serve captain kidd,

don't drop any silverware,

don't spill any water,

and, above all, try and be polite.

Then you may not get hurt.

Why don't you help me to serve?

Help you serve.

Now, if I help you to serve

and something happens to me,

who's going to visit you in the hospital?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm always thinking of myself.

Certainly you are.

Now, if you serve, then I can always visit you in the hospital.

You're good to me.

Oh, that's all right.

It's all right. Don't worry about a thing.

There we are, my boy.

Go right ahead.

Ok.

Right out the door.