Last Man Standing

Come on, let's go, we're gonna be late!

Why do we even have to go to church?

Because like everyone else, we are hedging our bets.

It's Christmastime.

God pays a lot closer attention this time of year.

It's like October in baseball. Every game counts.

- I can't find my church purse anywhere. - What the...

Or the bottom half of that dress.

At least I'm not dressed like a sister wife.

Well, at least my dress didn't come with a stripper pole.

Dad.

Hey, it's Christmas. Deck the halls, not each other.

- Okay, I just have to get my purse. - No, no, d-d-don't go back up.

You know, trying to get you guys to go to church

is like herding cats.

Honey, honey, honey, why don't we just not go?

- We're going to church. Come on, come on, come on. Please? - All right.

Yeah, but it's just, it's-- it's a week until Christmas,

and I'd rather get stuff done

than sit and pray that it gets done.

Honey, honey, if everyone who didn't want to go to church

didn't go to church, it would just be two old women

in the front row, shushing empty pews.

- I found it. Ready. - Great, let's go.

- Clashes with your shoes. - No, no, no. I know what you're doing.

You're just trying to psych me out.

Am I?

Damn it. Dad, give me two seconds.

It's hopeless. It's hopeless.

Just a minute. Turn around, Mandy.

Come on, down the stairs, down the stairs.

All right, everybody. Time for church.

- Move it! Move it! Move it! Move it! - All right.

Keep it moving. Keep it moving. This is great. Thank you.

And for the record, I got the ball rolling.

Last Man Standing - S01E10 Last Christmas Standing

Original air date December 6, 2011

Stop. Come on. You're in church.

I know. I think God sent him to me.

- Mom. Mom. Mom. Ryan's here. - Ow.

Oh, my God.

Honey, don't say "God" in church.

Mike.

Oh, God.

Shh!

That's Boyd's father. Yeah, I know.

He got Kristin pregnant and then deserted her.

Y--we all know that.

Well, he doesn't.

Honey, what do you think he's doing here?

I don't know.

What do you say I drag him out by his pretty hair and ask him?

Look, I wasn't expecting this either, but it's Christmas--

happiness, good feelings,

nuts roasting over an open fire.

Kristin, what was Ryan doing at church?

Yeah.

Okay.

Ryan's back in town, and he reached out to me,

so we've seen him a couple times.

He wants to be a part of Boyd's life.

Oh, well, honey, if that's what you want,

then--then you have our full support.

You have your mother's full support.

I'm still in that "what, are you freaking kidding me?" Camp.

Look, I know what it's like to have an awesome dad,

and--and even if it's a long shot,

I want Boyd to have a chance at that, too.

First off, thank you very much.

Second off, I know exactly what you're doing.

You're complimenting me so you'll get your way.

I invented this move.

Dad, I know you hate Ryan, but he's different now.

He's more mature and he's even been supporting himself.

Oh, yeah? Doing what?

Doesn't matter.

He's a drug dealer, right?

No.

He was recently a jouster at the Renaissance Faire.

So he actually lowered the bar.

Ah, Earl. Your work was exceptional this year.

Have a ham.

Okay.

Stuart.

I've never seen a shoddier performance.

Have a ham.

Hi, Mike.

You know, I don't think this socialist ham giveaway

is a good incentive program.

You want to wear the Santa suit?

Heh. Me in a Santa suit? I don't think so.

Hey, dad.

Okay. What do you think? Huh?

Well, baby, I think you are adorable.

Ugh. That's what I was afraid of.

It is really hard to look sexy in green felt.

Then you've never seen

miss Sandy Duncan in "Peter Pan."

Yeah.

I can't believe I have to work for spending money.

- Ugh. It's so work-y. - Yeah, yeah.

Listen, your job here

is to spread holiday cheer and help out

and also get kids to sit in angry Santa's lap here.

But only after they've voided their bladders--

also your responsibility.

All right, Mr. Claus. I'll do my best.

Oh, Mr. Claus is my father. Just call me Santa.

All right, Santa. I will try not to disappoint you.

I have complete faith in you.

Oh, that's what everyone always says at first.

Hey, Mr. B.? Yep.

I just want to warn you about Ryan.

Oh, I know he's back,

but you don't need to feel threatened about that.

I'm not threatened.

My voice got all high.

I'm clearly threatened.

I'm telling you, Kristin's not gonna leave you for the guy.

I didn't think she was.

Why would you even put that in the air?

'Cause he's a slick, smooth, you know, good-looking jerk.

You find him good-looking?

Do you find me good-looking?

Well, legally, as your boss,

I'm not allowed to even answer that.

Hey, Mike. Hey. Can you give me a sec?

I was gonna tell you. Ryan's in your office.

Ah. Sorry about that.

I'm selling a sword on Craigslist.

Give me one reason

why I shouldn't throw you out that window.

Because I came to have a man-to-man talk with you,

and that won't work if I'm in the air screaming.

Look, I want to be in Boyd's life.

I want to see him for Christmas.

And I want to be a point guard for the nuggets.

Look, I know I screwed up, but I'm his dad, and I'm back.

Until jousting season?

Technically, it's not seasonal.

It's at the pleasure of the King.

You left my daughter and your son.

I know. I was working. I had a lot of jobs.

I was a singing waiter on a cruise ship,

and now I'm the senior knight at the Ren Faire.

And a couple months ago,

I was sitting there at the head of the round table--

hey, whoa, walk me through that.

Head of a round table-- how does that work?

And I realized I'm at the top of my game in every way but one--

being a dad.

Wow, that's a--that's a good smile you got there.

Bet that really works on the girls, doesn't it?

Well, you know...

Sounds like your acting career is--is really taking off.

Thank you.

But the--the role of Boyd's, uh, father

should have been cast two and a half years ago.

I'm sorry. How's this going in here?

'Cause I'm kind of inside my head out there.

- Cheese! - Oh!

Okay. Next.

That's wonderful. Thank you, thank you.

Well, well, well. Aren't you adorable?

What's your name?

Jack.

I was talking to your mother.

Okay, all right, okay, here we go.

Now move along. Up on Santa's lap.

- There we go. - There you go, all right, come on.

- Here's the picture. Smile there. - Okay? Say, "cheese."

Cheese.

There you go. Okay.

Good job. Next!

No, no, actually,

Santa's gonna warm himself up with a little Irish coffee.

Hold the coffee. Be back in ten.

- Ho ho ho ho. - Oh, good idea. I-I could use a break, too.

Yeah, you'll get a break. It's called January to November.

But I've been on my feet all day.

You try walking around in these pointy, uncomfortable shoes.

Don't talk to me about uncomfortable shoes.

I didn't own a pair of shoes till I was 12.

My mother used to paint laces on my socks,

and nobody was fooled, by the way.

All right, everybody, back to work.

I want this place swept up

and all the candy cane baskets refilled by the time I get back.

- All right? Ho ho ho ho ho. - That's not fair.

Scrooge.

Hey, you can't talk to Santa like that.

Um, he's not actually Santa Claus.

What?!

Nothing.

Nothing.

Look, just because we're playing Santa's little helpers

doesn't mean we don't have any rights.

Shh! Don't make any trouble.

He knows when we've been bad or good.

Wait a second.