King of the Hill

Ripped By mstoll

That year, we almost had it.

I had just learned how to button.

You should've checked my work.

Oh, my God.

Look at Dad!

Ugh, I should just destroy those back-up glasses.

I wonder where that necklace went?

Hank! Guess what?!

You knowhow we always wait until the last minute

to get our Christmas card photo taken and always end up

getting Mega-Lo portraits, which are always terrible?

Uh... am I supposed to be guessing something here?

Mom got us an appointment with Ron!

As in "Portraits by Ron" Ron!

I called and got the last available appointment

before Christmas.

Wow!

This guy's even taken photos of the Stricklands!

This is gonna be great!

It's all because I did your favorite thing, Hank...

I planned ahead.

Well, you know what I always say:

"If you plan ahead,

then, when things happen, you're prepared."

Yep.

Yup.

Mmm-hmm.

Talkin' 'bout like a dang ol' Rick Wakeman, man,

'stead of "yes" man, you gonna dang 'ol say "no," man.

I took it upon myself to upgrade

the entertainment value of the alley,

and provide a soundtrack, if you will.

Uh, I don't know, Dale.

Conversation's already pretty good.

But it could be better!

I'll show you!

So, I was just opening this beer,

and the tab didn't go all the way in.

So I had to push it open with my Swiss Army knife

and now, my beer tastes like my back pocket.

Wow... you really made that come to life.

Sssst! Good luck following that, Boomhauer.

Dad, Dooley ran away from home!

He left a note with only two words: I'm gone.

(plays the first few notes of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony)

So Dooley ran away.

Mm-mm-mm.

I am not the least bit surprised.

There is no way you can keep a lid on that powder keg

they call a family.

I thought you and Melinda Dooley were friends.

Yeah...

Melinda and I took different paths.

Let's just say her clothes weren't the only thing

that got casual on Fridays.

I will leave it at that.

Her values.

I wonder where that boy is.

If I were him, I'd find myself a nice culvert to crawl into.

Somewhere in Oklahoma,

where the police treat you like a human being.

Uh... Okay.

Poor Melinda.

It all went downhill for her

after she married that Tim Dooley.

Well, because she had to.

Poor thing.

First, everything else in her life, and now this.

PRINCIPAL MOSS (over P.A.): Welcome, parents.

We're confronting a serious and difficult issue.

Thank God we've got a speaker to tell us what to do.

"Here he is, fresh from The Montel Williams Show ...

author Stephens Davies."

Good evening.

First, let me extend my condolences

to the Dooley family and the Arlen community.

We must ask ourselves why this happened.

Allow me to quote from my book.

"The nuclear family has suffered a meltdown."

If you don't have a close-knit family,

then every member of your family is at risk.

I'm back.

Show's over.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Dooley is the exception who proves the rule.

Yes, every second in this country,

a poorly parented child runs away.

Excuse me!

Your child could run away!

My son will not run away.

My family is fine.

Don't you think Mrs. Dooley

thought her family was fine, too?

Well, probably.

But, really, I don't think this relates to me.

Of course you don't. Your family's great.

So, tell me: Where's your son right now?

He is... at home.

Then let's call him.

Get on up here!

Okay.

Whoa! Look out for the books.

On sale.

With a forward by Marilu Henner.

Are you sure you don't want to talk to Melinda Dooley?

She's right there.

PEGGY(recorded): Sorry, we're not home right now.

Unless this is Alex Trebek, in which case, come right over.

: Well, that's just...

Interesting. What's your son's cell phone number?

He doesn't have a cell phone.

You have no idea where your son is

or how to get ahold of him.

So if he's gone, he's gone.

Well, uh...

This is the real problem with American families.

Complacency!

Self-satisfaction!

Igno-rationalization!

It's a word I coined... it's in my book...

and she's guilty of it.

I am so sorry.

You're ashamed.

Peggy, I think you may be overreacting.

Have you ever wondered

why we can never get our Christmas card photo right?

It's because, as a family, we are all over the place:

Scattered, disheveled, eyes closed.

The '77 Cowboys never took a good photo,

but they won the Super Bowl.

Your logic doesn't hold up.

Hank, when an expert on families calls you up on stage

and tells you you are failing as a parent,

it would be foolish of you to ignore it.

Which is why I got this.

Now, when you go out, simply slide your magnet to "out,"

and indicate your destination and estimated time spent,

using these symbols here.

I also bought each of you a cell phone.

Cool!

Yeah, it is cool.

It only calls me.

Oh.

Can I receive calls?

From me.

Peggy, this is unnecessary.

We communicate as needed.

Uh, well, I do like dry-erase boards.

Thank you.

What's that you're playing?

It's your theme song.

What?!

I'm kidding.

This is your theme song.

(playing Metallica-like, melody-less notes)

No, no, it's this.

(plays gentle, delicate celestial harp notes)

It really is that.

Listen to my theme song!

(plays wacky sound effects like a Spike Jones song)

Oh, that is so me.

(plays clanking, boinging sound effects)

Aw, dang it.

I lost the drawstring to my sweatpants again.

What's that trick with the, uh...

Peggy!

What are you doing in your underwear

outside the master bathroom?

I want us to be a closer, more open family.

What?!

Why would you want that?!

Baaah!

Because of what I just read in Davies's book...

Chapter 12: Get Comfortable.

"Clothes may keep your body warm,

but they make your heart cold."

We need more intimacy as a family, Hank.

I thought that's what the dry-erase board was for.

Now, for God sakes, put on some clothes!

Hank, the dry-erase board

is only the physical part of the solution.

This hanging out in our underwear is the emotional part.

Mmm! This is the way food was meant to be eaten!

No stains.

I can just hose down afterwards.

I don't think this is sanitary.

Hank, you might feel better about this

if you took your pants off.

No.

All right.

Look... if wearing your pants makes you comfortable, do it.

Anything goes.

Do whatever you feel like doing.