The Simpsons

The Simpsons.

You hate to see this.

I love to see this!

Now the other players are joining in.

Someone could lose a tooth!

This is no time to pat the bunny, Maggie.

Daddy's watching a very important.

Mid-Atlantic Hockey League Conference semi-final do-over game.

As we enter the seventh amazing overtime,

the members of Sesame Street on Ice

wait impatiently to begin their matinee performance.

Hold the Black Label, Mabel!

The Utica Mohawks' Pete Mavroudis has broken through the 'Topes defense!

Stop them, Babando!

He winds up for the shot and Delacroix slides in front!

You're supposed to be spending time with your daughter!

I will when it's not sports season! I just want to know how the game ends!

And this game is over! Unbelievable! You'll never see anything like that again!

So that will do it,

from Wayne Buckhorn, Jean-Pierre Petomane, and me, Don Jacque LaLonde,

here at Utica's Kill-Kwik Rat Poison Arena!

What's the score?

Now stay tuned for Picking the Perfect Apple.

It's already in progress.

D'oh! The score, damn you!

Once again, today's final score...

Yeah'? ...is already in the books.

Good night!

Oh! I will never know the score!

You want to know the score? I'll tell you the score!

Marge. This is a definite high point for our marriage.

Here's the score, mister.

Yes? Your daughter barely knows who you are!

That's ridiculous.

Who's your daddy, Maggie? Who's your daddy?

He is pretty good with her. Oh!

Look, Marge! It's just what you want, me spending the day with Mugsy.

Maggie!

Marge, you're not naggy. You just set the bar impossibly high.

Can you at least bring a sweater for Maggie?

Impossibly high.

Now, let's get started on the greatest daddy/daughter day ever!

Not even heated up. Typical dog.

This is it, Maggie.

The place where Daddy goes every morning.

Now, you learn your numbers from these billiard balls

while Daddy gets happier and happier and then sadder and sadder.

Moe, what are you doing? I'm spiffing up the place.

Jeez. Can't a guy clean his bar for the first time ever

without people making polite inquiries?

Huh. I got a window here.

Hey, Maggie could play out there while I watch her from in here.

What do you say, Maggie?

Ah! Her first enabling.

- Hi, Maggie! - Up here, beautiful!

Yo, Mag! It's me, Uncle Barney!

Remember? Ltaughtyou your ABCs.

A, B, P, K...

R...

So, I suppose you guys are still wondering why I'm cleaning the bar?

Hey, Maggie! Maggie, Maggie, Maggie!

Hello, Maggie! Hello, Maggie!

Hey, Maggie! Maggie, look at my face.

It all began about a month ago.

It was a typical Friday night.

Me surfing the net at the public library with occasional drinking fountain breaks.

Ah! Just how I like it, warm and rusty.

I couldn't believe it.

I finally found an intelligent, sophisticated woman

who hadn't heard any of my knock-knock jokes.

"Orange who?"

All right, Moe. Give it a punch line, nice and easy.

Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

The gargoyle haslanded!

"You're funny."

Very nice. Now how can I put this?

"Are you sure you're not actually some creepy guy in a public library?"

"No. How about you?"

"Actually, there is a much creepier guy right next to me."

You know I'm a woman!

We used to own a cat together! She had babies! Here's yours!

I would do anything to chat with Maya,

short of actually purchasing a computer.

We decided to take the next big step, exchanging photos.

Okay, this is it. I finally get to see what she looks like.

Darest I click on this jpeg?

No! I daresen't!

Yes, I darest!

So, what did she look like?

Whoa!

Yeah, she was a knockout.

Which meant I was screwed because now I had to send her a picture of me.

All right, before I send this, I'd better un-beady the eyes,

de-Neanderthal the brow, smooth out my hate lines,

lighten up the ear hair, switch my lips, then black tie the whole deal.

I can't build a relationship on a lie. The lies come later.

She thinks I'm cute! O frajulous day! Callooh! Callay!

So, that's why I'm cleaning things and flushing things,

and making this place look respectable.

She's coming to meet me here, tonight.

Moe's rat-free tavern.

Heya, Marge. Yeah, yeah, Homer's here.

You want Homer? I'm sorry, I thought you meant Himmler.

Heinrich Himmler.

You know, the guy who invented the Heimlich manure.

Those are two different people!

Well, they're both here. And neither one is your husband.

This press conference is over.

Oh, Maggie made some new friends.

Aw... Burrowing your head into your daddy.

A sign that my baby is happy and confident.

Ah! Yeah! Okay, she said she'd be here at exactly 8:00.

You calling my girl a liar?

Okay.

I've been stood up.

Moe, I'm down here.

Oh! You're a little person. I'm... No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

What's the correct term? Little person.

Look at me being polite!

So, aren't you gonna invite me in?

Of course. I just have to... I have to tidy up the place.

Just one sec.

Yeah, that's better.

So, Maya, have you always been this size? Or is this like a Benjamin Button deal?

No. I mean, it's just your picture made you look more life-sized.

That was taken at LegoLand.

I was afraid you'd be disappointed in the real me.

What? Are you kidding me?

You're the best thing to come into this bar since cable TV.

And unlike cable TV,

I ain't stealing you from the Chinese restaurant across the street there.

I see you watch ESPN2! I know!

Yeah, that's great there, Ling Chow.

So, you still want to go out? That's why I'm here.

Great. Let me get a car seat. Car seat?

Yeah. I took out the passenger seat to save gas.

But I'm gonna use it now because we're gonna do the town!

So, instead of getting a new bar sign,

I saved 300 bucks by changing my name to Moe.

Moe! You eat alone again tonight, huh?

Table for one, facing the wall!

Whoa, whoa. Not so fast, garlic press. I'm here with my date.

She's beautiful. But so far away.

Mmm. You're a good kisser.

Yeah. I practice by siphoning gas out of other people's tanks.

But I never tasted super premium that was half as good as you.

Oh, Moe.

Yeah.

How'd your date go, Moe?

Incredible. I've never felt like this before. It's like my heart wants to do her.

So, when are we gonna meet her?

I can't wait until you guys get to...

Yep. That's what we'd do.

Let me ask you guys something.

How would you treat a person who's generally dynamite but in some way

a little different?

You mean like how we treat Homer?

Because he can't remember limericks?

I can, too.

There once was this guy from an island off the coast of Massachusetts...