The Chaser's War on Everything

APPLAUSE

Good evening, yes.

Hello, right around Australia.

Welcome to the world for another week.

Fantastic as always, have your company.

Yes, and to big final episode before we embark on a mid-year break,

but before we get into the show, last week,

today, tonight, we're on a little expose,

and I'm saying that not everything you see on this show is real.

Yes, that's right.

Today, tonight, I got the incredible scoop

that this scene with Anthony Mundine was actually set up.

How amazing. Now, look, fair cop.

Yeah, yeah. That's actually his real body.

I'll give them that one.

But they were wrong when they said that this was fake.

Now, look, this was a very, very real scene.

LAUGHTER

That was real sex. Yeah, yeah.

She faked it, though. She faked it.

Still, it was.

It was a slightly damaging report by today,

and I think, Craig, you know you're in trouble

when your ethics are criticised by the programme

that chained an old woman to a bed.

At least did sleep with her, but...

Look, it's very confusing, Grace.

It's very hard to know in TV these days.

What's real and what's not real? It is.

Which is why, from now on, we're going to flesh up a little graphic.

Just to let people know if anything's fake.

For instance, if we're talking about Lisa Oldfield's lips,

they're obviously fake. Exactly, that's right.

Or if we say that Erica Baxter loves Jamie Packard

for his personal needs, looks again, you know, clearly not true.

Look at them there. What a beautiful couple they make,

Jamie and Erica, our wishes go out to them.

Six million dollars.

Six million dollars they're spending to have their wedding

on the French Riviera, which is a shame,

because, you know, they've got a curri-billy house for free.

Exactly, all on the tax path.

Pistol party in a my wedding there.

I'm thinking we should have the Chaser Rap Party there tonight.

What do you reckon? I mean...

He's the man for organising.

That's a ladies and gentlemen, Julie and Marrow.

Yeah, I don't know.

Good evening. Glad to see that fake sign there.

Drew Pag, yeah.

Now, you've been a man on a mission this week,

which you was tell about?

Yeah, well, look, you know, on this show,

we talk a lot about TV ads,

but there's actually another form of advertising

that gives me the shits even more

on those mobile billboards.

Oh, yeah, those annoying convoys.

You see them driving around the city everywhere these days.

Not only are they blatant visual pollution,

but they also add carbon pollution into the mix as well,

not to mention clogging up traffic.

Yeah, exactly. It's not just their roads.

I mean, it's even affecting traffic on our waterways, too.

LAUGHTER

Everywhere.

But I have to say that they aren't visually eye-catching.

I'll give them that.

So I decided to use a mobile billboard

for a campaign that I wanted to run.

I just got my own truck

and joined one of their convoys myself.

I tried to follow them along,

but when I did, they pulled over, unfortunately.

So we had a chat.

Oh, I'm big, though.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm a big happy convoys, though.

So when you sing is the best way

to get a message out about mobile billboards,

is it to create a mobile billboard?

Well, it just seemed logical.

OK.

I mean, I wanted something that was intrusive, loud,

course-plushers, generally, in the most people around the place.

It seemed like the best option.

Well, you're right, mate.

I suppose because everyone feels my speech is paramount, so...

Well, we're all celebrating it.

Oh, look, yeah, there are a couple of points.

So I decided to follow him off.

We went all over town.

In fact, we went all the way from Sydney Harbour Bridge

right down the Bondi Beach.

And then, when we got there,

we went all the way back again.

LAUGHTER

Now, that's what I call an ad roadtitch.

Absolutely.

It was actually a lot of fun.

That's so much so that I couldn't resist taking

my hypocritical gas-guzling message

to another mobile advertiser.

Unfortunately, this time, when I got there,

the guy was just pulled up by the side of the road.

And he ended up in the horn started going

as a bit of commotion, so eventually,

he decided to try and lose me.

LAUGHTER

But I tailed him...

And I tailed him some more.

And I tailed him again.

In fact, I chased him so far

that he actually had to stop for petrol.

LAUGHTER

Can you move up?

Let's go. OK, let's go.

But then, we were off again,

and eventually, I drove him right out of town.

Good riddance mate. Don't come back.

CHEERING

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

B's on the bus and train.

B's on the plane. He's quiet.

The slightly too loud can you turn.

Hello, is that Dr Beatty? It's Clive.

Yeah, look, I wanted to ask you a question.

Is there any such thing as herpes of the elbow?

Well, I've got a number of scabby pistols on my elbow.

Well, I've got a bit of ran-bunctious on the weekend,

and I accidentally elbowed my wife in the vagina.

It doesn't exist, you reckon?

What about gone a rear of the nose?

He's quiet. The slightly too loud can you turn.

APPLAUSE

It's very important for tourism.

Prime Minister, are you spoken about the value of tourism to New Zealand?

But in literature, according to the Book of Revelation,

what is the number of the beast?

I wouldn't have a clue.

No one a guess?

No.

I'll give you a clue. It's six.

I'm not going to say that word in Australia.

OK.

Fair enough. Do you want a job or a quick question, mate?

OK. All right.

How many states are there in Australia?

How many states have you got a treatment?

Yes, mate.

I can't get up the territory.

It's more than five and less than seven.

LAUGHTER

No, I'm not going to fall into that trap either.

Am I allowed to say six?

That's correct.

APPLAUSE

Now, George, as you know, I'm a walker and not a driver.

And it's only pretty much walks everywhere.

I have to say I find much less very annoying.

Well, that's because we've got no respect for pedestrians like you.

No respect at all.

They're always honking at you or screaming at you

or honking at other cars. Everyone's on the bloody hall.

I think that's what you call road rage.

I'll tell you what, I have a problem with road rage.

But my problem is, why is it only confined to motorists?

It's about time us pedestrians had a way of taking out our own aggression.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Held to the male grandma.

Stop that walk, guys.

Who tried you to walk, Stephen Hawking?

Hey! Stop bloody talking to me!

The blind man!

I'm bloody running!

Fuck you!

Oh, shit!

Sweet carers!

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

There's some risnway making all this noise down here.

I'm just trying to park, mate.

Together, why?

Hey, get the park so close together, you're over the line.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

That's enough.

Are you gonna give me a parking fine?

Hey, mate.

Sometimes it'll be nice.

Come on.

BEEP BEEP BEEP

Let's get you ATM card out of Cornflakes box.

BEEP BEEP

Let me get angry.

BEEP BEEP BEEP

That's a movie, alright?

BEEP BEEP BEEP