All Over the Guy

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Hi. This is Eli. Leave a message.

Hey. It's Tom...

Again. Um...

Call me.

um... hi, I'm Eli Wyckoff.

I'm here for my test results.

And you're about an hour early.

Why don't you go get yourself some coffee?

Oh, I'm... I'm going to wait, if that's okay.

Okay. All right.

This your first time?

My... my first?

No. No.

I have this habit of getting tested after every boy...

Guy that I ever... You know.

Well, there's only been like 3 in the past few...

Oh... this is the third, so it's not really a habit...

Yet. Uh-huh

oh, no! It's not like I think there's even a chance

that I have... You know.

I know the dangers.

I do the police blotter for the Hollywood news,

so... me and danger are like this.

So why are you here?

Feedback clinic. This is Esther.

Uh-huh...

Well, did you suck his dick?

Then you better come in.

Okay.

Hi, I'm Tom.

And... i'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Tom.

So, um...

I'm 10 days away from my 30-day chip.

Yeah, um... Anyway.

Both my parents are drunks.

But, um... I still don't feel like I belong here.

You know?

I mean, I go to flea markets.

I vote. Even for, like, school board and... and prop... whatever.

I-I-I'm a special ed teacher, for Christ's sake.

It's not like I'm this Hollywood has-been,

crouched in an airport bathroom, sucking on a can of final net.

So... why am I here?

The truth?

Truth is, I met a guy.

And if... I had to pick a... I don't know, a trigger,

you know, I'd... I'd have to say it was all over this guy.

But, whatever. You know what? Who cares... How it happened.

Bottom line is I'm here.

And I quit drinking... And guys,

because I can't be trusted with either!

Thanks.

Nice going.

Oh. Ha ha.

Yeah, well, I'll get it right one of these times.

It sounded right to me.

It's like you were telling my story.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, I shared first, so I get dibs on the book rights.

That's fair.

So tell me about the guy.

Uh, you know what? No. I don't want to keep you from...

What? From what?

The important things in life,

like stapling or filing?

Oh, please! I couldn't be more bored.

So this thing with that guy?

You seem pretty healthy with it.

Only to the sight- and hearing-impaired.

Pull up your chair, honey.

This one? Yeah. Move up.

So, you and your boyfriend. You broke up.

Oh, boyfriend. I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know, but... but things just got too...

Too!

You know? And I choked.

I'm an alcoholic. You do the math.

We met on a blind date, which sucked.

Then we became friends, and...

Now we don't speak to each other.

So, a happy ending.

How did we meet.

It all started with this phone call

from my best friend, Jackie.

Tom! Pick up.

Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.

Damn it. Where are you?

I'm at a pay phone, 'cause I can't get

my piece of shit cell phone to work

unless I'm standing on my head with my fingers up my ass.

Whoo hoo! Yeah!

Fuck you!

Anyway, um... Listen.

Uh, what are you doing Friday night?

'Cause I just met this guy Brett

at a furniture store on Montana,

and he showed me this great love seat to die for,

and I think I could get it wholesale.

There's just, um, one catch.

An-an-any luck?

Oh! Uh... With?

Oh, I don't know. I just figured by now

you'd be looking for change beneath the seat cushions.

Oh, god. You did... you saw me?

Um, yeah, no. The whole routine.

The little dance thing.

Oh, that's great. That's great.

Now I'm thoroughly mortified.

No, you're fine.

Don't... don't... don't worry about it.

Well, I know. But now it's, um,

it's your turn to do something humiliating.

Oh, well, I... I work in a furniture store,

so I've pretty much covered those bases.

Well, hello! Hey.

What's humiliating about an employee discount, right?

Which, by the way,

does that apply to this sort of wheelie cartie thing?

'Cause this is yummy. Right. Look.

"A"... I get 10% off of this crap,

and "B"... you know, I don't... I don't know if the whole

clockwork orange come Ikea thing is really your scene?

Honestly.

Quite a salesman.

Yeah, I don't even know what half this shit is.

Okay. Great.

Well, you know what, though?

My heart does kind of beat faster for this love seat.

Oh, you're kidding!

Why? Do you hate it?

No, I... it's the only thing in the store that's mine.

Yours?

Uh, one of my designs, yeah.

Oh! You're a designer.

Yeah, yeah. No, this...

This was one of my first projects.

Well, I love it. Thank you.

Uh, what is the color?

Sort of a yellow, beige, yellow...

Buttercup.

Buttercup?

Buttercup.

I'm... I'm not gay. Okay?

Just 'cause I say butter... you know.

You know, I have this argument with Eli all the time.

God damn it, man.

You know, honestly, just 'cause I say buttercup

doesn't mean I'm gay, you know?

Or I used to be gay, or I want to be gay.

Not gay, you know, just very...

Particular about the nomenclature I use regarding my palette.

And, uh, who's Eli? The boyfriend?

Right! No, no.

He's my... he's my, you know, he's my best friend,

who happens... happens to be gay.

Well, you know what I think?

I think you're one of those guys who,

you know, sort of flirts with a girl, maybe even takes her to dinner,

and then, you know, when push comes to shove,

the only frenching you'll be doing with her are her braids.

Well! That's pretty sassy.

So you've been braided a lot recently?

No, I... look, I know gay men.

Okay? I practically invented them. Oh, okay.

You know? And there's no such thing as a straight guy

with a gay best friend he's not fucking.

Hey! Don't give me that look, all right? What?

My friend Tom... who by the way, is single, if you're interested...

Yeah, he's the first to agree.

Right, right. Uh, okay. Well, thanks for the tip.

I'm not particularly interested in... in... in Tom.

Uh, unless, of course, I mean, he has your eyes.

So, there's actually a chance that he didn't hate my guts,

and I could be having his children on that kick-ass, buttercup love seat.

Which is where you come in.

I was like, great!

I figured next she'll be asking me to blow some guy for 3-day blinds.

You know in the movies,