House of Bones

Did you bring it?

Here it is.

Babe Ruth's hitter for his 29th and last home run,

before the Red Sox traded him to the Yanks in 1919.

Bad luck for the Sox. Collector's item for my dad.

Autographed?

- Careful. - No way.

My dad'll give me a beating if he knows I showed you.

- Let me hit it. - Are you crazy?

Come on. It's just a baseball.

- That wasn't the deal. - Deals change.

Right, J. J?

Wait. You said...

Batter up.

Don't!

Great.

You can't go in there.

I have to get my dad's ball.

He'll pound me if I don't bring it home.

I'd take your chances with your dad.

Whatever.

For over 50 years,

the Wicker House has been abandoned,

scarred by time, feared by all,

its sordid history filled with dark tales.

But what's the real story behind the Wicker House?

Is there any substance

to the rumors of countless murders

of immigrants, slaves, prostitutes?

Then, in 1951,

a boy taken by the house itself.

And now, decades later,

the mansion is left without a new owner.

But its legacy continues.

Locals report strange noises,

movement behind the curtains.

And then there's the constant stream

of mysterious disappearances.

So is it just another urban legend?

Or is the Wicker House

really haunted?

We'll investigate next week

on Sinister Sites.

What, am I gonna stand here looking like a jerk-off?

Somebody gonna yell "cut"? Cut!

That's terrible.

This is coffee. Where's my Scotch?

You got five minutes for me?

Yeah, of course, of course, of course.

Listen, sweetie, do me a favor.

Why don't you move my lunch meeting by 15 minutes?

Make sure you tell the maitre'd I want the same table.

- They can't screw me on the table. - Yes, sir.

Okay, go on, go on.

That's fine. Thanks, babe. Later.

Later, in the dressing room.

Did you get to see some of the magic?

I thought we weren't doing composites anymore.

You know, the fans just think the CGI's awful,

and the whole thing's just kind of tired.

Wow. Okay.

Uh, a couple of teenagers in their parents' basement

write up a few negative blogs,

suddenly my hit show is tired?

Former hit show, would be more accurate.

Walk with me.

So we, uh...

Ooh. It dropped two points after the premiere?

It's worse than that. You lost four points

with the 18 to 25-year-old male.

So we'll make some changes, you know?

We'll add some T and A, somehow.

Just set up a conference call with my producers.

- They'll handle it, all right? - We're a little bit past that point.

I already spoke to Tom about some format changes.

Don't say or do anything until we get the camera rolling, all right?

I'm just checking it out.

Is that a fresh coat of paint?

Tom's gonna freak out.

The location pictures were a lot creepier.

I am definitely getting a lot of energy from the house.

Okay, well, that's good. That's good.

But can we save that for the camera?

- Bub is driving. - Is that the producer?

Bub's a local hire.

- Who painted the house? - That's a good question.

Who's got the key?

The bank Realtor, that's who.

Jeez, these local yokels.

I'm not too impressed myself, so...

What are you saying, that I'm not a star anymore here,

- all of a sudden? - No, no.

Don't you realize that I just got offered ten grand

for a one-day appearance at the Port Washington, Wisconsin,

comic book convention? Buddy, I got fans.

You have fans, absolutely.

But you know this. Everything's just changed.

It's the whole reality TV thing.

People want stars to be regular Joes.

I'm not gonna make a meal out of this.

We... We're not getting our money's worth

with you doing cheesy bumpers in front of a green screen.

Now if we were to mix in a little reality show,

a big-name star actually on location,

- that could play. - Location? Yeah, right.

You guys don't pay me enough for that.

If you don't, the network's prepared

to terminate your contract.

Fine. I'll book a ticket.

That's what I thought you'd say.

I already booked you one.

- First class? - Don't push it.

I gotta take this.

Ah, you prick.

So how was the ride with the psychic?

It was fine.

Started talking about feelings as soon as we got here.

I told her to save it for the camera.

She mention a husband or boyfriend or anything?

I didn't go there, Tom. I don't go there. Okay?

Plus, Greg's your wingman on those operations.

I'm camera. That's all I do.

Okay, camera. Can you get the van unloaded, please,

and see if we can get our location open?

Should we wake your boy up?

Dude's been sleeping since the airport.

Leave him.

That's the kind of job I want right there.

Sit on my ass all day, collect a paycheck.

Just chill.

Hey, bro. How you doing, man?

I'm Tom Rule. I'm the producer.

We didn't get a chance to talk very much in the car.

- Yeah, you were in there on that phone. - Listen, do me a favor.

I don't usually fire the P.A. Until after the second day, so,

keep your mouth shut,

and don't cheat yourself out of the overtime, all right?

Okay.

Who pissed in his Cheerios?

Dude, the ratings are down, you know?

Perfect.

Oh, jeez.

So did you get caught up on your beauty sleep?

Yeah. Thank you.

Well, it's nice of you to decide to join us.

You know, Greg, I like you.

But I would hate to have to do this show without you.

You would.

Well, you know what they say. The show must go on.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How about that paint job?

Aw, man. What do you think they were thinking with that one?

Extreme Makeover, Haunted House Edition.

Yeah, that's not even funny.

I told them to leave it exactly the way that it is.

It's the grimmer, the better.

Maybe we use it.

The house did it.

Quentin could sell it.

If he shows up. You think he'll show up?

I don't think he's got much of a choice.

You're right.

Oh, no key.

The Realtor will be here any minute.

Dude. You really think we need a key?

Right.

Freaky.

Boo-yah.

After you, Tombo.

House paints house.

House lets us in.

House feeds guests.

Whoa.

Now that's what I call hospitality.

What else this house do?

- Hi, I'm Sarah. Nice to meet you. - From the bank.

Yeah, yeah. You listening? All right.

Tommy thinks you're late, but, uh...

How did you open the gate without a key?

We thought you left it open for us.

You guys were not given permission to stay here tonight.

- It's okay. - It's not okay.

Where is Tom?

He's around back.

All right.

So?

First impressions?

Not as creepy as that sanitarium in Santa Mira, but...

nothing that a smoke machine and backlighting won't fix.

Me likey. We'll set up in here.

This was not our arrangement. You cannot stay here.

Okay, look, Sarah.

Tom's going to straighten all this out...

The bank carries a liability in this place.

You're permitted to film here

a few hours tomorrow, not tonight.

- You're not covered. - Great. Um...

Dude, should I just put it in the car?

What... Uh...