The World's Greatest Lover

Don't ever do that again.

No, sir. I'm sorry.

I was a little nervous. It's my first day. It won't ever happen again.

Gentlemen, I am not a child, and I do not wish to be treated as one.

- Is that understood? - Yes, sir.

Good. Now, here's the question:

If you went up to any bum and asked him which is the biggest studio in Hollywood,

- what would he say? Joe? - Well, Rainbow Studios, home of the stars.

All right now. All right, I don't want any of that baloney. Wes?

I would say Wainbow. Wainbow Studios. It's the wargest and the best.

Save it. Save that yes-man shit.

You think I need this kind of babying? Sven?

Rainbow. Rainbow Studios. I don't think there is any question about that.

Jesus Christ. Is there not one honest man in this room?

Paramount, I guess.

That's very interesting.

- I'm just curious - why would you say that? - Because they have Rudolph Valentino.

Son of a bitch. Dog-doo, pee-pee brain.

You're a lying traitor. Did you know that?

You ca-ca-in-your-pants fart blossom, I'll tear your tongue out.

- Thank you. - What?

I'm all right. It's over. It's over.

Who knows, maybe this was a good thing. Gives me a little perspective. Now...

Say, don't get too close in the middle. I hate when I get nicked in this little part here.

Now, let me think. Let me think.

Let me think. Let me think.

I've got it.

Now listen to me very carefully.

Women in this country are so sex-starved, the first pretty face that comes along,

they'll make him a star.

Well, what the hell will they do

when they hear Rainbow Studios is going to find the greatest lover in America?

I'm talking about someone who will make Rudolph Valentino look like a part-time nurse.

All right. We'll get lovers from every big city and hick town on the map.

Because, gentlemen, I promise you that within two weeks

every male in America between the ages of 17 and 55

is going to stop for a moment and at least think about coming to Hollywood

to screen test for the biggest chance of his life.

The chance to star in the new Rainbow Studios film:

The World's Greatest Lover.

Now! How's that for an idea?

- Great. - Gweat.

Great. Just great.

Very good. I mean, great.

Too late.

You son of a bitch. You're fired.

I'd like 11 cream puffs and three of these chocolate éclairs. Wait.

Make that three chocolate éclairs and 11 cream puffs.

Wait.

Poo. Which is less fattening, the chocolate éclairs or the cream puffs?

What did you do? What did you just do to me?

Mr Kipper. Mr Kipper.

Rudy, I'm told that when you're nervous, you stick your tongue out at people.

Is that true?

Mr Kipper says when you're nervous, you either stick your tongue out

- or get hysterical laryngitis. What d'you say? - I don't know what he's talking about.

- Fibber. - Stop it.

Rudy, you were fired from your lastjob for daydreaming.

I'd give you the benefit of the doubt, but you've only been here four days.

Mr Kipper's been my manager for years. Why would he lie?

I don't know. Maybe I get hoarse sometimes from talking to customers and trying my best,

but I don't know what he means about my tongue.

- Why would I do a thing like that? - He did it.

- When? - Just now.

- Did you? - No.

- Kipper? - Lies.

Rudy. You're not nervous now, are you?

- Not at all. - What?

I say not at all.

- Did you do it? - No.

- Kipper? - Lies.

Rudy.

- The absolute truth. - I did not do that.

Rudy.

For the last time, did you do it?

You're fired.

Rudy?

You do stick out your tongue when you get nervous,

or sometimes you get laryngitis just for a second.

But it won't last. These are just little nervous habits because you're so high-strung.

They mean nothing. Even the third thing.

- What? - Rudy...

It's nothing. It's not even worth talking about.

- What third thing? - Rudy...

I just wanna know. What third thing?

Well, sometimes - when you get excited -

you twist your words around so they don't make sense.

I do not twist my words around.

- Rudy, I wouldn't make up a thing like that. - I do not do that.

Once in a while. Once in a great while.

Are you trying to give me fart hailure?

I'm going crazy in Milwaukee.

But, Rudy...

I don't wanna be Rudy Hickman.

I'm selling the furniture and car, I'm changing my name,

- and we're going to Hollywood. - Hollywood?

Yes. I'm gonna try out for that movie contest.

But, Rudy...

My Uncle Harry knows people out there. He can help us.

- Rudy, there'll be thousands of men. - I can win it.

- They'll be coming from all over America. - I can win it.

Rudy, they'll be professionals.

I said I can win it. Now light the bed to out come turn on.

Los Angeles.

Los Angeles next.

Los Angeles.

Los Angeles, California.

Is this my little poopie?

Poopie, poopie, poopie, poopie.

Good morning, my little bride.

Time to get up.

Time for yum-yums.

- Darling. - I said no, you filthy pig.

What?

Morning, darling.

Are we almost there? I'll just go splash some water on my face.

Los Angeles, last stop.

Los Angeles, California.

Home of the stars -

and lots of featured players.

Los Angeles, California.

Los Angeles next.

Are you all ready, dear?

I'm plain. I'm plain.

I'm a simple girl. I've never left Milwaukee a day in my life.

Uncle Harry will hate me. Rudy, what am I gonna do?

Stop it. Haven't I enough on my mind not to have to deal with this childishness?

If you're hysterical, I won't let you off the train. Calm down and stop acting like a baby.

Sorry. It won't happen again. What time is your screen test tomorrow?

- 4:30. - What?

4... Oh, no.

- It's nothing. It'll go away. - Testing, one, two, three.

- You're just a little nervous. - I'm not nervous. You got...

You're the one who got me upset.

- We'd better drop the subject. - Don't can what I and say can't tell me.

- We shouldn't say that word any more. - What word?

- Screen test. - Why not?

Rudy. Rudy, I'm frightened.

You wanted me to try out for this.

Well, I do. I do. I just don't want you to get your heart set on winning.

Do you think I wanna come in 13th?

Screen test, screen test, screen test, screen test, screen test, screen test, screen test.

Screen test, screen test, screen test, screen test, screen test.

I will win that screen test.

Not because I'm the best actor in the world,

not because I'm the sexiest man or the most handsome man in the world,

but because I am unique.

Rudy?

Rudy?

Rudy?

I'm sorry. I thought you were...

Rudy? Rudy, darling.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Rudy? Rudy?

When's the final audition?

Friday, Mr Zitz.

How many "rotten"s have we got?

2300.

- How many "fairly rotten"s? - "Fairly rotten"s?

14. Yeah, 14.

- Have we got a "doesn't stink"? - No, sir.

- We don't have one "doesn't stink"? - Not yet, sir.

I can't believe it.

All I need is three finalists, and I can't find one "doesn't stink"?

- Mr Zitz, look. - What?

Look at that fellow.

- Who's that? - His name is Wobert Dwake.

Not bad. Not too bad.

Look. Look, look, look.

I think this boy has got something. What do you think?

Not too bad. Not too bad.

He's weally not too bad, Mr Zitz.

- Yes, not too bad. - You?

Not bad. Not bad at all.

- Not bad at... - No.

You. You.

What do you think?

What's the matter? Come on. Say it.

I think there's something strange about that fellow.

You're always right, aren't you?

Gotta always be right.

What did you think of today's stuff, Adolph?

Want to hear what they did over at Paramount?

- What? - They made a phonograph record.

When they had big auditions, they'd hand out thousands of phonograph records,

telling all the actors exactly what to do.

Great idea, huh? That's why they're top, Zitzy.

That idea stinks.

Sure beats the shit we've seen today.

I'm in the union.

Get me that record.

You want to sign for the room, Mr Zitz?

I want 2,000 records delivered within the next 24 hours,

and I'm notjust whistling "Dixie".

- What kind of record, Mr Zitz? - Round.

A round one. Just like Paramount.

Oh, Jesus, why do I have to think of everything?

It's too lonely up here.

Do I have to come up with every single goddamn idea myself?

Paging Mr Rudy Valentine.