Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Excuse me! Excuse me.

Hi.

I'm Jake Peralta.

All right, all right.

So thrilled to be here today.

As many of you may know, I used to be a cop.

Hey, I was dirty! I took tons of bribes.

But as a former Detective,

uh, I know a thing or two about life sentences.

And, Angie, Marco,

you just got slapped with the best life sentence there is:

Marriage.

To Angie and Marco.

Make us proud, have a son.

Salud!

Salud!

Hey, I love the spray tan, Joey.

Let me take a picture of you.

I want to show this color to the guy who stains my deck!

Congratulations, Tony.

It's a beautiful night.

Hey, you're one of us now.

You know how long I've been waiting

for one of you old men to kiss me?

He's a good kid.

I gotta say, out of the four of you,

I think Vito's the best kisser.

Ah, what a wedding, huh?

Although the meatballs were a little dry.

Dry meatballs.

That's Peralta's signal. Let's go!

Let's go! Let's go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Come on! Let's go!

Stay where you are! Hands on your head!

Stay where you are! Hands on your head!

Whoa, whoa, hey!

Aghh!

Nobody say anything! Nobody talk!

Get your hands off of me, you piece of...

Hey, Captain Holt!

Long time no see. How you doing?

This is not the time, Peralta.

Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.

Ah!

I've missed us.

He's here. He's here!

Jake's here!

Okay, let's do the prank

where we don't even acknowledge him when he comes in.

Okay? Shh! Shh!

Everyone, shh.

Back in the nine-nine!

Whoo! Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake!

Played to perfection, Charles.

God, I missed this place.

Let me just soak it in.

Oh, yeah, stale coffee, fingerprinting ink,

whatever Charles is fermenting in his desk.

Beans.

Beans. It's like I never left.

All right, fill me in. Tell me everything I missed.

Won't take long. Only three things happened.

Terry chipped his tooth and had a lisp for a week.

Lithen up, the even.

I'm Thorry, did I thay thumthing amuthing to you?

Anther me, you thun of a bitth!

Number two, Santiago and Boyle

wore the same outfit to work one day.

How does it look better on you?

And Captain banned headphones from the office,

due to the Gina incident.

Great recap.

Welcome back, Peralta.

Captain.

Everyone has a lot of work.

So you have exactly two minutes to share personal anecdotes.

And those two minutes began when you entered.

You now have...

12 seconds left.

Challenge accepted. Undercover highlights.

Fixed a boxing match, smoked a whole cigar without vomiting,

was once in a room with ten guys named Sal,

and missed you all so very much.

- Everyone back to work. - All right, Jake.

Hey.

So...

Didn't get a chance to say hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Can we talk in private for a sec?

Okay.

So now that we are alone,

I have to ask.

Did you arrest a perp named Joe Uterus?

Oh, my God, yes.

I should have told you immediately.

Perp name hall of fame, right?

Oh, yeah. First ballot.

I mean, it's right up there with Sylvester stools

and Janet Storkmuncher.

But also, I just...

I know we left things kind of weird.

You know, me saying that I liked you.

I'm still with Teddy.

Romantic styles.

Oh. Good, good.

'Cause I was gonna say, I know we left things weird,

because I said that I liked you, but that was a mistake.

You know, I was nervous about going undercover,

and I think I just kinda freaked out,

and you were nearby, so...

I didn't mean it.

But that's great.

Good.

Hey, so, Joe uterus, what did he do?

Killed a bunch of stray dogs.

Eh.

Name's funnier than the story.

There's a confused old woman here

who wants to talk to a Detective.

Oh, come on!

Another drill?

Hello, my name is Adelaide.

I'd like to report a crime.

So we're just doing one of these every day?

Oh, you got it. I know you got it.

I want my money.

Tick, tick, tick, tick.

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.

Why are we doing this?

It's Captain's orders.

My name is Adelaide Van Hoyt.

I'm 89 years old, and I'm here to report a crime.

Not a problem. We can help you.

Adelaide Van Hoyt.

89 years old.

Goatee, 6'3".

290 pounds.

Hey! This is a tight 240.

Show Adelaide some damn respect.

Hey, Charles.

You pretty excited about Jake being back?

Yeah, it's like when I was a kid

and my grandma came home from the hospital,

only better because Jake's not unresponsive.

Huh, every time you talk,

I heard that sound that plays when pac-man dies.

Charles, I'm concerned that you're gonna tell Jake

about the incident.

Nobody can ever know that we had sex, all right?

I have spent years cultivating a reputation

as someone who sleeps with bike messengers or better.

Look, I don't want people finding out about it either.

I don't wanna be known as the office slut.

Yeah, well, Jake's back, and you tell him everything.

No, I don't.

I got aroused last night

watching a nature documentary on bees.

I was fine until they went inside the hive.

Oh, you're right.

I'm gonna tell him.

It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow...

It definitely won't be later than tomorrow.

So pretty much today or tomorrow then.

Peralta, special agent Marx is here to make your transfer

back to the NYPD official.

And on behalf of the bureau

I wanted to personally thank you for your service.

Bureau.

It's FBI lingo for... "FBI."

Yes, I've been a cop for 30 years.

And I've seen movies.

Roger that.

You'll be happy to know that the operation turned out to be

one of the biggest Rico busts of all time.

"Rico" stands for

"racketeering investigative cop... awesome."

I have to ask, do you think "awesome"

begins with an "O"?

Yes.

15 of 16 targets are in custody.

Wait, who got away?

Freddy Maliardi.

The tac team screwed up, hit his apartment up

a couple of minutes late, and he disappeared.

But Freddy's, like, the worst of all those guys.

Extortion, terrible breath, murder.

I put "terrible breath" too high on that list.

I should go back undercover,

see if any of my contacts can tell me where he is.

No, they're looking for a rat.

And as a former cop, there's no way they're gonna trust you.

I guarantee you they do.

Me and those guys went through some pretty intense stuff.

In the mafia, once you Joel together,

you're bonded for life.

Look, you know those guys,

but I just think this is too big of a risk.