Crap Happens (Kacken an der Havel)

For as long as he can remember,

Toni Fleischer's only goal was to make it big.

As I hold it down tonight Never uptight

Letting loose on the mic Speaking the frequency pleasingly

Keeping me smoother than ice

You won't be believin' your eyes Giving you nothing but vibes

Keeping it moving tonight

Tight on the mic every day of my life

Yummy!

I was on 'shrooms You smelled the fumes

But after 18 years in Berlin, he's still just making pizza,

not hits.

The talent was there, but he was just one of those people

who was never in the right place at the right time.

His only two fans were

a dead-eyed jar of sourdough he called Susi,

and the owner of the pizza shop, Pipo,

who believed in Toni so much he let him live in the restaurant's basement,

something Toni was forever grateful for.

Thanks again for letting me crash here.

Pfft. Yeah, dude, you know, mi casa es su casa.

Pipo helped Toni any chance he got.

Your good luck charm for tonight.

Sometimes with moral support…

Um, thanks, bro.

…but mostly with pizza.

Toni's day started out like any other.

Oh. The usual?

Fried chicken banana, 19.95, please.

Thank you.

Today, like every day,

he was reminded that he wasn't living the life he'd dreamed of.

Your pizza's absolute shit.

See you tomorrow, Birgit.

See you tomorrow.

And right at that moment,

as he was doubting everything yet again,

his mother, at her towing company far away…

…got a call that would change Toni's life forever.

Twenty-four-hour towing service. Fleischer.

What'd you say? A duck stuck up a tree?

I'll be there soon.

Wera Fleischer, Toni's mom,

was a six-time East German discus throwing champion.

She wasn't exactly thrilled about Toni's life choices.

What mom would be happy

her nearly 40-year-old son is still trying to be a rapper?

Unlike Toni, Wera liked the rural charm of her hometown, Schitten-on-Havel.

Come down now, Günther.

Mostly because of the ducks.

Fine, I'll help you. But this is the last time, okay?

Toni had been warning his mom not to climb trees since he was a kid.

Come here.

Shit.

Meanwhile, in Berlin, Toni had no idea

about the bizarre accident his mother just had.

Besides, he had other concerns.

He had a big gig coming up that night, and the poor guy was really nervous.

- How are you, bro? You nervous? - Nah.

Really, really nervous.

- Are… are you sure? - Maybe a little.

Sure he was, because it was Thursday,

which, like every damn Thursday, meant the same thing…

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Rap on Thursday!

Rap on Thursday was the largest event of its kind in Berlin

for anyone looking to make it big.

Dude, they're, like, way younger than you.

And cooler. They even smell better.

I knew inviting you was a mistake.

You know the rules. Mano a mano, one on one.

No pre-written shit, just freestyle.

Berlin's freshest rappers are here tonight to make their name.

Give it up for the new generation!

And the not-so-new generation.

- I think she means you, bro. - No shit, Pipo.

'Cause you're super old.

MC CRICKET CHIRPIN' EXT. REMIX

NANCY (BIG SISTER THAT I DON'T GET ALONG WITH)

Sorry, bro, I gotta take this.

- You're up soon. - Just a sec.

- Yeah? - You said you'd call me back.

Yeah. Sorry, I've been busy, okay?

- That was nine months ago. - Nancy, I'm about to go on stage.

Mom died today.

What? How?

The way she always wanted.

Rescuing a duck from up a tree?

Yeah, rescuing a duck from up a tree.

Then got struck by lightning.

I'm sure you're busy with your rap thing, but you have to come to the funeral.

And for our first battle, here's Svenni

from Dolph Lundgren High School in Bottrop-Ekel!

- Yeah, Dolph! - Let's go! Let's go!

Versus Toni!

- Are we clear? - Yeah. Uh, Nancy, I can't talk right now.

Berlin, are you feeling good tonight or what? Yeah! Dope!

Put your hands in the air. Hands up!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

That's right, yeah.

I gotta battle this clown You must be absurd

No style, no swag Just a fat-ass nerd

Look at this loser Standing there like a bitch

While live on stage I give your mother my dick

Ooh!

Oh no, he didn't, man!

Okay, okay, okay. And now, Toni!

- Uh - Give your mother my dick

Mom died today.

Your pizza's absolute shit.

Okay.

Giving my mom some dick? Well, truth be told

You're too late, my mom's dead Her friggin' body is cold

So maybe find someone else To ride your dick

I just got the call With lightning, she was hit

Uh

That's why them jokes ain't lit But Svenni is right

I'm a fat, useless bitch

I always thought that one day I'd be Tupac

But nowadays Everyone's encouraging me to stop

I left my small town To prove that I'm an innovator

It turns out I'm just a corny, phony imitator

When I was young and fresh I used to spit the nicest

I guess I paid the prices Going through midlife crisis

Now we're here Rapping at some weird, weary kid

Myriad of raps Although he's never had his period

My whole life I just knew That I was gonna blow

But when you watch your life go by That ain't the way it goes

All my life I knew I'd be a master rapper

But my résumé just says That I make pizza faster

Believe in me? Not even my moms

Ashamed for ten years I never went home

Shit, man, Mom gave it to me straight

There was no way I would ever make it With the rhymes that I create

But I'm still on it

Realizing that I'm a pawn

Dime a dozen chasing a bullshit dream Until time is gone

Fuck it 'Cause it's too late for that, y'all

I think I should just leave it all

Wow.

Where are you going?

Schitten.

Did he just say "shitting"?

CRAP HAPPENS

Way out in Brandenburg, you'll find Toni's hometown,

Schitten-on-Havel.

Ladies and gentlemen, please have your tickets out.

He hadn't even arrived yet, but all he could think about was one thing…

- When's the return trip to Berlin? - Four weeks.

SCHITTEN CENTRAL STATION

This is the final stop, Schitten-on-Havel. Please exit here, everyone!

NO SIGNAL

Tumbleweeds for sale. Gather round! Sir? Care for some tumbleweeds?

Brandenburg authentic tumbleweeds, artisanally grown.

The origins of the unfortunate name Schitten…

WELCOME TO SCHITTEN-ON-HAVEL

…are lost to history.

But Toni knew this, his hometown truly lived up to its name.

He never felt like he belonged in a town like this,

with an '"Upermarket" that had been missing its S for the last 30 years,

and a theater where he'd been laughed off the stage when he first tried to rap.

It just never felt like home to him.

Here, people took pride in their leaf blower museum.

SCHITTEN LEAF BLOWER MUSEUM

And in having beloved actress Veronika Ferres…

…voted in as mayor for multiple terms.

Vote for me when you're all grown up.

TOWN HALL

Oh, democracy.

ANY-WEATHER HOTEL

Toni strolled past all the content, down-to-earth folk

who always thought he was weird

because he had a dream they never really understood,

and who put obstacles in his way.

FERRES, COMPLEX IDEAS FOR SCHITTEN

He had zero interest in bumping into all the people who never believed in him,

including his mother and his three sisters.

FLEISCHER 24-HOUR TOWING SERVICE

He wanted to come back as a star.

But sadly, he left a loser, and came back a loser.

FLEISCHER 24H TOWING SERVICE

"It's just one day."

"I can deal with this for one day. Then I'm gone."

Or so he thought.

Get off our skateboard.

Okay.

And so, he reunited with his family.

Toni's sister Nancy is the only policewoman in Schitten.

- Nancy. - A total neat freak.

Take your shoes off in the house.

This is not Berlin, we have rules here.

- And a mother of four. - Children. Say hello to your uncle.

Hello.

- You too. - Hello.

His sister Kaia owns a junkyard,

likes to blow things up,

and swears so much that we have to bleep her.

You look like a sack of .

And his sister Karo

is a driving instructor and hasn't spoken a word to Toni

since he ruined her wedding eight years ago.