The Mighty Boosh

Hi. Welcome to the show. l'm Howard Moon, this is Vince Noir.

All right.

This week we're dealing with immortality.

Can a man live on after his death?

l'd like to think l will be remembered many years after my own death.

- What for? - For the things l say and do.

Like what? ''Have you seen my light blue trousers? Can l have a crisp?''

There are many things l do that you don't know about.

Really. What things?

Once a month one euro goes out of my account straight into a charity.

Direct debit. Whoosh.

- That's how you'll be remembered? - Yes.

- For euro generosity? - l don't need to be remembered

- cos l'll be in the future. - How?

Cryogenics. Are you aware of cryogenics?

- l've heard people say it. - l'll have my head frozen cryogenically

and put in a jar, and 12,000 years from now they'll revivify me

and l'll be the head in a jar.

They'll wheel me out at ceremonies, consult me like an oracle.

Why not get your whole body frozen?

lt's not the way it works in the future,

it's just heads, floating about at ceremonies.

Well, l'm gonna get my hair frozen. lmagine that.

Then future generations can get it out and look at it

- and see what's possible. - Where are my light blue trousers?

- l gave them to Leroy. - What for?

He took a shine to 'em.

Don't give my trousers to people.

- lf you've got a problem, see Leroy. - l'm going to.

- Go on then. - Leroy!

Welcome to the show.

..to the world of The Mighty Boosh.

# Come with us to The Mighty Boosh # The Mighty Boosh

# Come with us to The Mighty Boosh #

Welcome to the Zooniverse, where all your dreams come true...niverse.

l'm general manager Bob Fossil, and l'm a human.

Now, our first stop today on the tour is the largest animal in the zoo,

the Grey Leg-Face Man.

- What? - You know, the Grey Leg-Face.

He's got legs, and another leg on his face.

The elephant.

Well, yeah, if you want to get technical, Mr Smarty-Pants.

There he is, over there.

- l can't see him. - Well, he's camouflaged.

He's adapting to his natural environment.

Look! There he went! Oh, my God, you just missed him.

- Boy, he's fast. - Why aren't there any animals here?

Well...why are you people so small?

Huh?! l could rest my drinks on your head!

l want my mummy.

Hey, let's sing a song, huh?

# Nicey nicey zoo zoo for him and her and me and you #

Everybody! # Nicey nicey zoo zoo

# For him and her and me and you

# Nicey nicey zoo zoo for him and her and me and you

# Nicey nicey zoo zoo... #

Whoa!

Chin up.

Nice.

- Hey. - Hey, Howard.

- What you up to? - l'm doing Bollo's portrait.

- l'm doing him as Caesar. - Nice, nice.

- You can do me next. - l can't really do people.

Yeah but my face is a gift to any portrait artist.

- Could be difficult. - Do me as a Greek god, fighter pilot.

lt's just you're a bit generic looking.

How dare you? What are you saying about my face?

l...l didn't mean that in a bad way.

- How did you mean it? - lt's good to be generic.

- How? - Spying.

- Spying? - Look...

all l'm saying is look at Bollo. Look at his face - all the lines.

Look at his weather-beaten mush - the years in the jungle, the circus,

that chat show he hosted - it's all there.

You haven't done anything. Your head's like a man's thigh.

What?! You can have too much going on in your face, you know.

All a bit too busy. All the features jostling for position.

Yeah? The eyes screaming out, the nose.

lt's very visually noisy, your face.

- Visually noisy? - A brass band under a wig...

- marching towards me every day. - Look at your face. lt's ambient.

- lt's like The Orb's third album. - Take that back.

- l'm just saying, get some accessories. - What?

Bring your face out - get a pipe, a pink cowboy hat.

Bring my face out? l should knock yours back.

- (Grunts) - All right.

- (Grunting) - Easy.

- lt's all right, Bollo. - l don't need accessories.

l'm Howard Moon - the man, the myth, the maverick.

- Hi, Vince. - Hey, Mrs Gideon.

- Have you seen my python? - No.

Only he's not in his cage and l thought maybe he was here.

- Hi, Bollo. - Quite slippery characters, snakes, eh?

That's a popular misconception - snakes are dry.

Anyway, if you see him, his name's Tony.

All right, cool, l'll bring him round.

- l didn't know you were a painter. - l've got a BTEC National.

- l could do your portrait. - Yeah, maybe.

You're head of reptiles, yeah?

l'd probably do you as Medusa.

Oh, that sounds good.

- You can't do people. - l'm branching out.

- Are you? - Who are you?

Howard. Howard Moon. l work here.

- You're new. - No, l've worked here for ten years.

- Part time. - Full time.

l see you every day, Mrs Gideon. lt's me, Howard, crazy Howard.

- OK. - l'll keep an eye out for the snake.

You know, if l see it l'll let you know.

l love snakes. Real big fan of the snake, you know. Yeah...

- You're scared of snakes. - l've got great stories about snakes.

One got out, went down the street, went AWOL, ended up in a launderette,

got into one of the driers and when they got him out it was small.

Really small, the whole...

Anyway, if you see Tony you let me know.

- Yeah. Having fun, are you? - Yeah.

- Gonna do her portrait? - l might try a nude.

Let me tell you - you go near her and l'll come at you like a mighty bazooka.

l love that lady, right?

- Listen, start any funny business... - Or else?

Bollo'll rinse you out like a hot flannel.

Where is he?

- Bollo? - Bollo?

Who the hell is that?

Bobby Bob Bob, king of the doughnut people!

Get inside.

Hey. Wow!

This place is amazing.

Don't touch that!

- l got the animal you wanted. - Excellent.

- Get me another one. - Well, we can't do that,

there aren't any more left.

Get me a person then.

- A human person? - A human person.

Everybody's been bugging me about Joey Moose.

- Who? - The Australian keeper

who disappeared in the reptile house.

Make something up. Say he got eaten by the python.

- The who? - The windy man! The long mover!

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Bainbridge, what are you up to in here?

l'd really like to get involved in your shady operations.

lf you can keep your stupid mouth shut you stand to make about 100 euros,

maybe more, depending on the bureau de change.

- Wow. - Take a look in there.

No!

Who are you? How can l understand you?!

Shut that door, you idiot!

He got out! l'll take care of it.

- l'll go get him. - l'll get him.

You smooth things over with the staff.

My nuts.

OK, people, bad news on two fronts.

First, our turnip shipment arrived 25 minutes late

so consequently there will be no turnips for lunch.

No!

Second, Joey Moose, one of our most beloved zoo keepers,

has been killed.

But the good news is we found out who the culprit is!

- So who was it? - lt was the long mover.

- (Man) Who? - You know, the windy man.

- The python? - Yeah.

- We're gonna hang him tonight. - You can't.

Course you can, he's all neck.

- Who's with me? - l run a safe reptile house

and l know my python wouldn't do that.

Why? Cos he gives you chocolates and kisses your lady lumps?

No, because my python couldn't kill Joey

because to kill a man you need a much bigger bite radius.

Well, bite my radius, lady-us!

You've been a great crowd!

- Fossil, you're an idiot. - l resent that.

ls anyone going to stand up to this man or are you scared of him?

l stand with Mrs Gideon.

Who are you?

Howard Moon. We just spoke ten minutes ago.

Hm.

- Anyone else? - Where's the lemur?

- He's lost. - Where's the squid?

- Where's the what? - Where's my frog?

- You smoked it last night! - Oh, yeah.

- Where's the cow? - Shut up!

- Where's Bollo? - Stop it!

Nicey nicey zoo zoo zoo zoo!

- (Gunshot) - (Screams)

- Don't worry, l'm sorting things out. - Where are the animals?

- l'm gonna get to the bottom of this. - Shut up, Moon.

- You want a piece of me? - A piece of you, Moon?

- You haven't got it to give. - You're lucky Vince is a delicate flower

- who doesn't like violence. - Get him!

And I've got flu. I had flu. I'm not quite 100% yet.

lf it wasn't for that l'd be on you like a powerful moss.

- You're pathetic, Moon. - Yeah?

- Well, step on in whenever you're ready. - Now.

- Er, now? - Right now.

- What do you mean? - Right now.

- Now? - You and l, right now!

- lf you want to go now, we can go now. - Let's go.

- Come on! Mano a mano! - Whenever.

- l can pencil you in later. - (Growls) Right now!