King of the Hill

What do you say we tee off together?

Sure thing, Willie.

Dead solid perfect.

I've always wanted to sell propane...

and propane accessories, like you do.

I guess this dang music thing came up.

Well, ain't no changing the past, I guess. Let's jam.

What in the name of God?

Bobby!

Son, have you lost your mind?

Aren't you supposed to knock first? I could've been naked.

Bobby, how many times have I told you?

Betsy is not a toy.

She's a 1963 Guild solid-top...

What's that smell? You been playing this with your feet?

What's that smell? You been playing this with your feet?

That's cheese, Dad.

Why would there ever be cheese on Betsy?

It's funny. It's a comedy routine.

You know, you play the guitar with a piece of cheese and you go:

"Hey, look at me. I'm Eddie Cheddar!"

- You know, it's from Celery Head. - What is a Celery Head?

He's the world's best comedian. He glues things!

Like he glues a Kleenex box to a tennis shoe and goes:

"This is in case you have a runny nose."

That's not a joke, son. That's a waste of good glue.

Well, he makes $3 million a year.

You must've got that wrong.

People don't pay money to see things like that.

Now, Robert Klein, that's something you pay money for.

- What is going on in there? - I'm worried about our boy.

Some green-haired freak told him to rub cheese on my guitar.

You mean Celery Head. I saw him on Entertainment Tonight.

He makes $3 million a year.

Luanne, good Lord! Put on some pants!

I'm wearing shorts.

Don't scare me like that!

Look at this, Peggy. The boy chipped Betsy's bridge.

And he woke me up from my Willie Nelson golfing dream, number three.

Calm down. It is just a bunch of wood and some wires.

Wood and wires? I've had Betsy since high school.

I took her to the prom. I love this guitar.

Do you understand what I'm saying? Do you understand what love means?

Yes. I love my family.

Yeah. Now you're getting it. That's the kind of love I have for Betsy.

- I'm going back to sleep. You coming? - I'm already up.

Besides, I wouldn't want to make Betsy jealous.

Luanne, would you please not sit like that?

"I sell propane and propane accessories.

"I tell you what. Shut up, Dale."

Willie, no. That's a one-way street.

What happened to my truck? Your mower hit it.

Maybe I ought to send my mower to one of those children's psychologists.

Are you mad about something? Mad? Why would I be mad?

Just because Hank pays more attention to that silly guitar than he does to me?

Lay off the gas.

If I break another nail, I'll fail my manicure final.

Are you having trouble at the beauty academy?

No.

I'm also failing braid work.

Braid work does not come natural to the women in our family, honey.

You know it, I know it, and the whole town knows it.

Sounds like your horn's going off!

You really think so, Bill?

Oh, yeah.

Damn it, Hank!

You know I can't have loud, sudden noises while I'm meditating!

I was a nose hair away from attaining inner peace!

Shut up!

Don't even try to take credit for that.

It was not done by me. It was done through me.

What is that chinging noise?

One of those stealth helicopters...

with computerized noise-cancellation capability.

They're still working the chings out.

How did you know about the stealth helicopters?

Alt. Conspiracy. Black. Helicopters.

I tell you what. That Internet, man. You just go in there, point and click.

Get in and talk about ww. W com.

Mean, you got them naked chicks on there.

You go click, click, click. It's real easy, man.

Bobby, give me that club!

Son, maybe I'm not getting through to you.

Let me explain.

You got to respect other people's things.

You do not use a man's pitching wedge to hit clumps of mud.

It's not mud, Dad. It's dog doo.

That boy ain't right.

Excellent workout! I got my rotator cuff rotating.

My face feels weird.

- Carlos! - Carlos?

You name your things, I'll name mine.

What about that thing named Bobby? What are we gonna do about him?

He seems bent on destroying everything I own.

Why can't he turn that energy into something useful?

Like that boy with no legs who ran across Canada.

Maybe you need to spend some time together, just talking.

You and Bobby. Mano a mano.

- I can't now, I'm going golfing. - Take him with you.

We're riding a full 18 holes today.

You know what that kind of stress can do to a boy?

Bobby, I apologize for yelling at you.

But sometimes, you just don't listen.

It's like you got a problem with concentration.

Bobby?

Bobby!

Bobby!

Hey! You just killed me!

You needed killing.

I've been thinking, son...

and I realized, you don't have any goals.

You've got to figure out what you want to do with your life.

Okay. Can we go to Six Flags?

I think you need a role model.

Someone to emulate. A hero.

Someone besides that Broccoli Neck.

How about Eddie Stillson? Can I emulate him?

Now, there you go. Eddie Stillson. Which one's he?

Is he the space shuttle astronaut or the stock car champ?

He got to the end of Level 6 in Scream Ninja.

Bobby, when I say "hero," I don't mean some weird Game Boy freak.

If you don't watch it, you're gonna end up like Jason Adderly's boy.

Deal me out this hand, Jason.

I'm about to bust.

Sorry, I thought, this was the bathroom. Oh, good Lord!

You know Howard Adderly?

He's my number-two hero, after Eddie Stillson.

Bobby, you need to be lectured all afternoon.

Peggy, I'm taking the boy golfing, and that's that.

Careful now, Peggy. Betsy isn't strapped in yet.

Do not tell me you're taking that thing golfing with you.

Don't be silly, Peg. Just bringing her in to get fixed.

Sit in the middle, son. I want to make sure Betsy's in front of the airbag.

So, Bobby, we've got to think of a hero for you.

- Do you have a hero, Dad? - I sure do. And it's Willie Nelson.

How come?

You might say he's been my inspiration.

See, Willie grew up in Texas, and I grew up in Texas.

He loves golfing and playing guitar.

I love golfing and playing guitar.

He's had trouble with the IRS.

And I must have spent six hours last April on that 1040 form.

"EZ," my ass.

Do you have a hero like that?

Willie Nelson?

You're just saying Willie Nelson because I said Willie Nelson.

No, I like Willie Nelson.

He's got long hair. He's Alternative.

Now, you take that back.

I followed that man from Country Western...

to Country, to Adult Contemporary...

and that's as far as I'm going.

Here, son. Take a look at that.

That's Willie Nelson's own personal golf course.

I am going to show that braiding machine who's boss.

Go on, Luanne. Show this town there's a braider in the family.

I'm not scared of you. This time I'll beat you at your own game.

Miss Kremzer!

Someone!

It's the bridge, isn't it?

The bridge is the symptom. Thread asymmetry is the disease.

Smells like bellybutton.

My son was playing it with a piece of cheese.

You mean, like Celery Head?

"Look, I'm Camembert Humperdinck."

Les.

Go in the back and alphabetize the guitar strings.

- Alphabetize by letter, or... - Les.

- Okay. - All right.

Cheese or not, this is a sweet, sweet guitar.

- Is she for sale? - Not hardly. Just fix the bridge, Earl.

I didn't think so.

Most guys would sell their wives before they'd sell a guitar like this.

I got to remember that one.

Heck, I got a million of them, like:

"Women are a lot like a guitar.

"They both come with strings attached."

Actually, those are the only two.

Most women would be threatened by Betsy.

But not me, I don't care.

I'd like to see that guitar come home...

and chicken-fry a steak after substitute-teaching all day.

Why, thank you, Mrs. Hillman.

Santy Claus. What are you talking about?

Santy Claus. He could be the boy's hero.

In one 24-hour period, he delivers toys and joy to every child on Earth.

Santa Claus is for babies!

You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.