Heart Eyes

Sponsored by Faizal - Kedah

- Patrick. - Adeline.

This is going to be the best Valentine's Day ever.

This place,...

- ...it's just so gorge. - Of course it is, babe.

- You picked it! - I picked it!

Oh.

What the hell?

I told you not to put it in my food.

- Oh, shit. I'm sorry. Sorry, I... - It's fine. Keep going.

Adeline Delilah Garrett. You're smart. You're beautiful.

And perhaps most important of all,...

...you make me think.

You're my person and I can't imagine my life without you.

Will you marry me?

Yes. A million times, yes!

Why are you calling me right now?

I didn't get it.

What the fuck do you mean you didn't get it?

Yeah, I'm sorry, dude.

There was a couple of sun flares and, like...

...could you maybe do it again or...

Why, yes. Let me re-propose to my fucking girlfriend...

...so you can do your job right.

- Technically she's your fiancée. - Don't get cute with me.

Do it right this time or I'll fucking end you...

- ...on Yelp. - Okay, cool, thanks.

I'll talk to you later. I'm not even on Yelp, dick.

Speech, speech, speech. Lovey, lovey-dovey.

And...

- Will you marry me? - Yes. A million times, yes.

Just one second.

Give me that. Hello?

Nico the Photo Guy. Leave a message.

Are you fucking kidding... me?

Oh, no!

Hello?

You listen here, asshole.

I have been planning this day my whole life...

...and you fucking killed him!

You messed with the wrong bride.

You hear me?

You messed with the wrong fucking...

Ma'am, you can't be here.

- What are you doing? - He's trying to kill me!

Hey, buddy, you wanna tell me what's going on?

Wait. Stop! Drop the knife, asshole!

Somebody! Please!

Oh, shoot.

Take that, you motherfucker!

Go away!

You go away!

You go away! You go away!

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no. Please!

Hey! Hey!

No!

It's Valentine's Day...

...and the nation is once again on high alert.

For the past two years, a masked maniac...

...known as the Heart Eyes Killer...

Or HEK, as authorities call him for short,...

...has emerged on a day meant for romance...

...to target, hunt and brutally kill couples.

HEK seems to target cities at random.

From a blood-soaked rampage in the Boston area two years ago.

As well as a second killing spree,...

...which left several dead in Philadelphia just last year.

Even though he's after couples in love,...

...let me be perfectly clear about this.

He will kill anyone who gets in his way.

Leaving Americans once again plagued with anxiety...

...on Cupid's holiday asking the question...

Where will the Heart Eyes Killer strike next?

Do you expect the Heart Eyes Killer to...

...kill your Valentine's Day plans?

Who the hell makes Valentine's Day plans?

Yeah, this holiday sucks ass, dude.

- Literally. - ...Valentine.

I ain't even low-key scared.

The HEK ain't got nothing on me.

Shut up, Dylan. You're afraid of the dark.

No, I don't.

- The Heart Eyes Killer... - So glad I'm single.

- I'm gonna celebrate inside. - That dude hunts you.

- Rubbing your shitty PDA all up in our faces. - He only kills straight people, I think.

Whether you're with a partner or looking for love,...

...stay vigilant this Valentine's Day.

Shit!

Nice one, dipshits.

Hope Cupid shoots you in the dick.

Caramel soy latte for Monica.

- Oh, that's me. - Okay, yeah. There.

Why do you look so stressed?

Is it 'cause you're single again on Valentine's Day?

No, I'm... I'm stressed because Crystal just called...

...an all-hands meeting and the subject of her email literally says "Ally's Campaign."

- I saw that. - So I'm fucked.

Okay, worst-case scenario,...

...you get fired and you never work another day in your life.

Worst-case scenario, Crystal wears my skin as a pantsuit.

Best-case scenario, you got nice skin though.

You know what? Whatever.

If you go down, I'll go down with you, okay?

We'll Thelma and Louise this shit.

Large iced blended Americano with oat milk, two honey, one sugar.

Sorry, are you sure that's yours?

Yes, that is definitely mine.

No one else would order...

- ...a large iced blended Americano... - Large iced blended Americano...

- ...with oat milk, two honey, one... - ...with oat milk, two honey, one sugar.

Sugar. Yeah. Look at that. Wow.

Guess we're coffee mates.

- Nice dad joke. - Thanks.

I thought I was the only one in the world with the obnoxious coffee order.

It's a pretty common order actually.

Can you guys move? We're busy.

Yes.

He's hot!

Hey, can I interest you in one of these guys?

Oh, no, I'm okay. Thanks. I carry my own.

- Oh. Metal straw. - I hate paper straws.

They just turn into mush in, like, three seconds.

Yeah, no. I totally get what you're saying.

Let's put all the coffee in a plastic cup but, hey,...

...as long as the straw is paper, planet saved.

Planet saved.

- Oh, sugar though. Want one? - Yeah.

A little slow poison for the pancreas.

- I'm sorry. No, I'm... - I'm sorry. No, I'm...

- I got it. It's okay. - No, it's totally...

- Oh! Fucking Jesus Murphy! - Oh, shit!

- Oh, my God. Are you okay? - Yeah.

- Oh, my God. You're bleeding! - Am I?

Here. Shit.

Bye. I'm gonna go. I'll see you at work, Mon.

Sorry. She's getting fired today.

Exactly one year...

...after a Valentine's Day massacre left...

...three couples dead in Boston...

...and four couples dead in Philadelphia,...

...the Heart Eyes Killer has come to Seattle.

Four victims have now been claimed at a winery,...

...ending one dream engagement in a nightmare.

Chief Hartley, is this the work of the Heart Eyes Killer?

That's not confirmed at this point but...

...given the pattern of targeting couples on Valentine's Day,...

...we suspect it's the work of HEK.

What do you have to say to all those couples out there planning...

...to celebrate Valentine's Day?

Stay home.

Well.

This is quite a pickle.

Why didn't a single one of you...

...tell me that there is a maniac...

...running around slaughtering people on Valentine's Day these last couple years?

Tommy?

Not a single one of you.

This campaign is certainly ill-timed.

Wouldn't you say so, missy?

You know, Crystal, how you always tell us that...

...relevance is really important in our pitches?

Well, I personally believe that Ally's campaign is very "now."

Monica, thank you so much.

If you could do me a huge favor. Shut the fuck up.

Tommy?

"Wow. Profiting off the death of couples to sell rings."

"Speechless."

- "This is disgusting." - I'll say.

"What did I just watch?" "Straight-up tacky."

"Someone find out who made this and dox their ignorant ass."

- I mean, it just... it goes on. - I'm sure it does.

Ally, I'm worried about your safety.

Gee, thanks, Tommy.

How many people has this heart-shaped asshole killed?

- I think, like, a lot. - A lot?

You built a nationwide campaign around romance ending in death?

- Well, you approved it. - Because I trusted you!

- I'm gonna need a new campaign. - Okay. No problem. I'll...

Jay, get in here.

Jay? Who's Jay?

Thank you very much.

No way.

That's the guy whose nose you smashed in at the coffee shop.

- Mon, sit down. - Jay Simmonds, everybody.

This is Jay Simmonds.

Who's Jay Simmonds? Well, I'll tell you.

Jay Simmonds is the former CCD of BMY New York.

He is the youngest freelancer to win a Clio Award...

...for his viral romantic campaigns.

Everything from fancy cars to luxury chocolates.

And he has then earned himself...

...a nice little moniker of "Consumer Cupid."

- That is Jay Simmonds... - That's him?

...and I'll tell you what.

When I realized how far up shit's creek...

...Ally here had paddled us,...

...I knew I needed some reinforcements. And thank Baby Jesus.

Now, he's got to leave and push off tomorrow and skedaddle,...